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Steamm

-
Feb 28, 2020
446
I have no other place to vent this so I hope you guys can listen to me. I did it again, installed tinder once again and it makes me feel a complete loser. No likes, no matches, when I get a match a woman starts to talk to me but she disapears into the unknown darkness leaving even more frustrated. I'm so desperate to find someone to love me but I'm pretty sure I'm using the wrong tools.

Again, sorry for venting this here, it's not related to the forum purpose but I feel at home here.
 
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polishhh25

Member
Nov 13, 2020
8
Tinder is well... a specific place ;) My best friend wanted to have a girlfriend so badly that he created 10+ profiles on every dating app/website possible. The result - no girlfriend. He decided to focus on himself, eating healthy, finding a good job, discovering a hobby and guess what! 2 years after he met a great girl (he isn't especially a good looking guy, but after he started to love himself, his confidence was just waaaay more attractive than everything else). It's easy to say, because I'm also struggling with the "love yourself" part, but eeey! that's the most important part! ;) Good luck! ;)
 
LonelyDude15

LonelyDude15

Currently Spiraling
Sep 26, 2020
277
The entire app is built around superficiality, I wouldn't worry too much about it. There are better places to look for a relationship. It's also worth noting whether you're putting in the effort to look and present yourself in the best light.
 
Nymph

Nymph

he/him
Jul 15, 2020
2,566
Maybe try different dating apps or sites? Tinder is generally not really ...great lol
I can't give much advice cause I'm asexual and only used the ace app but maybe try a more "serious" dating website
 
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WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,165
I used to tinder and I learnt something: people are NEVER what they look like in their pics and description.
In my opinion, it's a waste of time.

One more thing, you are not ugly, or at least, not as ugly as you think. Instagram, tinder, etc tend to make us feel "ugly losers"
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Jan 11, 2020
6,728
You can use Off Topic for non-suicide-related stuff. :)

@polishhh25 gave great advice btw.

I've been on every dating site at some point, and many bars, and the only decent relationships I've ever had were people I met irl who shared some common interest(s) and who had good ethics, that is, who treated others well and, likewise, had a sense of self respect and treating themselves well, not taking crap off of others or giving up something about themselves in order to have a relationship or love. In my experience, if you don't feel this way about yourself, no one else will, either; one of you will become a doormat and a whipping boy to the other.

Edit: I did meet one couple irl who met on Tinder and both were seeking relationships, not hook-ups.
 
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Symbiote

Global Mod
Oct 12, 2020
3,102
Without sounding harsh you sound like someone who doesn't know anything about ladies.
A man who says "I'm so desperate to find someone to love me" probably has zero skills with women no wonder you are not having any luck.
Those who disappear probably can smell you're desperate and that's the biggest put off for a girl. Trying different platforms would result the same without proper techniques and knowing the dynamics.
What's your look out of 10 and give a flavour of what your lines are when you start a conversation on a dating app?

I'm a 2 out of 10, and I love spreading Nutella all over my body and screaming at my neighbors.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,423
I've been on Tinder for over two years, Bumble and Hinge for almost one year, and Coffee Meets Bagel for a month now. I've been actively using them almost every day for that amount of time too. I also signed up for Plenty of Fish but deleted it because I didn't get how it worked and it seemed like it only wanted my money.

In that entire amount of time I've only ever gotten maybe three matches on Tinder from people who aren't prank accounts or biologically male (nothing wrong with trans females but not what I'm looking for). Two of them unmatched very quickly before a conversation could even start and I ended up not clicking at all with the one girl who didn't immediately block me after they realized they made a mistake. I had to ghost her to make her realize it was a mistake for both of us.

I feel your pain. I don't really know if it gets any easier because it hasn't for me. Honestly the only reason I still use these apps is because people who know me insist I'm at least a 6/10 in looks and personality when I believe I'm something more of a 3 in looks and 1 in personality. I've also tried the thing where I just max out the likes with abandon without looking at any profiles and it's still led me nowhere.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
18,423
There are a lot better ways to meet people, but there is no point to a relationship if you don't respect and value yourself.
True but it gets really hard to do that when not even strangers on the internet will consider you dateable. Confidence blown out of proportion is also infinitely worse than no confidence at all in my opinion.
 
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Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,024
True but it gets really hard to do that when not even strangers on the internet will consider you dateable. Confidence blown out of proportion is also infinitely worse than no confidence at all in my opinion.
I think connections happen better naturally rather than dating apps/sites. Having been in bad relationships and having been alone I would take the latter over the former any day. I think the drive to find a partner stems from something missing in ourselves that we want others to fill. Connections come when they are supposed to, and when we are healthy enough to attract them.
 
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usernameforhere

Student
Nov 15, 2020
147
Social apps are designed to make you experience a low emotional state I think... people complain about them everywhere not just here.

idk what the answer is. My favorite couples all met each other at work.
 
fixitinpost

fixitinpost

Arriving Somewhere But Not Here
Oct 20, 2020
161
Hey man, I feel you.

Don't get discouraged if someone stops talking to you. It most likely has very little to do with you. It's just how Tinder works. There are so many more men than women on there that women easily tend to get more messages than they can pay attention to at any given time. I've written together almost a complete OP for a dating thread I was thinking about posting over in Off-Topic. But until then, here are some tidbits of advice:

1. To get matches, you need quality photos
You don't have to be "good-looking" (whatever the fuck that means), but you do need to look good. Flattering lighting. Nice, well-fitting clothes. Well-groomed hair and/or beard. A smile. One face shot (no selfies), one body shot, and preferably one shot that gives a taste of who you are.

2. Don't be afraid to ask out after the first few exchanges
I think many make the mistake of thinking the chat is meant for getting to know the other person. That's what the date is for. The chat is merely a tool for both persons to get a basic read on one another. Remember that, per above, the attention span you're working with is limited.

Be open to the fact that she may want to keep chatting some more, but do try move things off the app before long. Text messages, Whatsapp, basically anything other than Tinder is a step forward. However...

3. Value your own time
There are plenty of women on these apps who are just in it for attention or fun. They were never going to date you. Learn how to identify these people and just move on from them. By chatting for long periods of time before the first date, you risk wasting a lot of your own time because you won't know if there's a connection until the two of you actually meet.

4. Use more than one app (and don't rely solely on apps whenever possible)
Tinder may not be the best app for you, or in your area. Try several, and stick with a few that seem to work well. Don't do too many, though. And whenever possible, don't use the apps as your only avenue for finding dates.

5. Don't use the same Tinder account for too long
After a while on Tinder, it may feel like you're stuck in a bit of a dead end without matches. I recommend simply deleting your account and creating a fresh one when that happens.

@polishhh25 gave some good advice for when you do meet up with someone. You obviously need some depth to you, but I don't think you need to spend years building confidence in advance. If you aren't naturally confident, you can get pretty far in the beginning by just knowing how to fake it. Once you start dating, your natural confidence will hopefully grow a little with it. Plus, with every date (especially the bad ones) you're gaining experience. That's what worked for me.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Jan 11, 2020
6,728
I've been on Tinder for over two years, Bumble and Hinge for almost one year, and Coffee Meets Bagel

I take back my statement that I've been on every dating site. I stopped at Tinder, I haven't even heard of those others. Also, I've never been on any site for religious people, kinks, or specific socio-economic status.

Uh-oh, I feel a frustrated, heart-wrenched rant coming on...

POF was just as bad as Tinder imo, but paid sites weren't much better. The sites where they do in-depth personality assessments and match you that way? I spent a lot of money for just a handful of matches. I'm apparently either very unique or uniquely undesirable to a lot of men, which actually was the same irl now that I think about it. My grandmother warned me when I was in grade school about being so opinionated and strong. :pfff: If it's any consolation, I was never one to get off on guys gathering around me like bees to a flower and competing for my attention, the couple times it happened I was weirded out. I don't want to be worshipped on a pedestal, I don't have good proprioception, nor do I want to be stepped on, I hate being squooshed, and it's sad but it seems to me from decades of experience that those are the two basic options for most people, just games of dominance and using someone to meet their needs, wishes, and/or convenience.

On a side note, I can't believe how many guys I met online who were shocked that I looked as good irl if not better. Like, if you can't be honest about what you look like before you even meet, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Don't anyone answer that please, I genuinely don't want to know. It's just one more human mindfuck that I don't know how to navigate and don't want to. I'm so sick of...people, or really, of social norms no matter the society.

OP, sorry to go off on a tangent. Seems to me in life that most everyone wants someone to fulfill their needs and their fantasies, and they either don't have the motivation or maybe just don't have a clue how to fulfill themselves with themselves, let alone find someone who also wants to make that effort, and does so, and then, is actually attracted to them. Just...fuck it all. If one has low standards, they're generally never satisfied, but can at least fool themselves into thinking they are, or fool their partner into believing they're genuinely motivated to satisfy them rather than using them. If one has high standards, the pool gets unbelievably small and everyone says, "Your standards are too high" or, nowadays, "Just give up unless you're a Chad" and draws graphs for you. Guess what? Most Chads are awful, and for some women, but not all women, just a means to a desired end, like Karendom. The only really good long-term relationships I've seen have been between people who had average socio-economic success, personalities that were neither too strong nor too weak, had some common interests and fun together and, respected each other and themselves, and, most of the time, didn't have kids. In other words, no extremes of success or failure, poverty or wealth, exuberance or depression, boredom or excitement.

Sincerely, @Steamm, good luck, and I'm sorry for your suffering.
 
Help_Me

Help_Me

Gene pool mistake
Oct 21, 2018
516
when I get a match a woman starts to talk to me but she disapears into the unknown darkness leaving even more frustrated
You're reading my mind ! I have absolutely the same situation. What's the point of ignoring when you can just not start talking. This is the biggest tinder mystery for me.
 
D

Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,921
@Steamm sorry you are in this situation. I've never used a dating app, don't think I would have the courage to do that, setting myself up for that fall. I always preferred to let things happen organically, but that's just me. Good luck.

I'm a 2 out of 10, and I love spreading Nutella all over my body and screaming at my neighbors.
That's disgusting. You should use Marmite like a normal person :love:
 
C

CorinthianBlue

New Member
Nov 23, 2020
1
Lol...dating sites don't work...
Love is not real....
 
goodbyebunny

goodbyebunny

</3
Oct 19, 2020
105
Please don't base your self esteem off of a platform that only focuses on looks. Your experiences there aren't a judge of your worth. Hugs.
 
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KingoftheFreaks

Member
Nov 21, 2020
18
I have no other place to vent this so I hope you guys can listen to me. I did it again, installed tinder once again and it makes me feel a complete loser. No likes, no matches, when I get a match a woman starts to talk to me but she disapears into the unknown darkness leaving even more frustrated. I'm so desperate to find someone to love me but I'm pretty sure I'm using the wrong tools.

Again, sorry for venting this here, it's not related to the forum purpose but I feel at home here.
I feel your pain bro. The flakiness of women on there is disgusting.

I made a woman account to test what its like for them and it's ridiculous how easy it is. I recommend getting professional photos taken and getting an automatic swipe so you don't have to sit there and absorb every single rejection.
 
Latios

Latios

Experienced
Nov 22, 2020
264
Lmao this thread is making my depression so much worse...

Virtual hugs, op, hope things get better for you. :)
 
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sugar

sugar

Member
Nov 24, 2020
56
I have no other place to vent this so I hope you guys can listen to me. I did it again, installed tinder once again and it makes me feel a complete loser. No likes, no matches, when I get a match a woman starts to talk to me but she disapears into the unknown darkness leaving even more frustrated. I'm so desperate to find someone to love me but I'm pretty sure I'm using the wrong tools.

Again, sorry for venting this here, it's not related to the forum purpose but I feel at home here.
I signed up to Tinder once in the past and didn't like it at all.

You swipe on people's profile's and make judgements within milliseconds - not even seconds - until you're all out of swipes. It's like a market.

How can someone see all the great qualities and quirks in you if they make snap judgements about you? Forming relationships organically is the best way to go in my opinion. A lot of married people meet online these days so I could be wrong.

I understand how shitty it would feel to put yourself out there and be met with radio silence. As members have said, the male to female ratio is heavily slanted against your favour.

Best to delete your account and not sign up again.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,091
I made a woman account to test what its like.
The flakiness of women on there is disgusting.

You and every other male there has a woman account. And transexuals, don't dismiss them, you could be missing out on the best thing of your life.
But what do I know I'm just another flaky woman. Men on those try to have cam sex mostly while their wives are out.
 
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ThrownAwayTom

ThrownAwayTom

Experienced
Oct 3, 2020
277
An important thing to keep in mind about tinder and similar apps is that they run entirely on algorithms designed to make you spend more. Algorithms that take in to account your gender and age.

Get too many matches and it'll cut back on how many you get. Find yourself getting too little and it will drip feed you incentives that tempt you in to thinking maybe if you did buy that 24 hour boost you'll finally meet someone. Sure enough the boost will give you more matches, but only enough to make you consider buying another when the conversations dry up.

It's all super predatory and the lack of success a lot of people get just further impacts their self image. You might get no success and it's not the fault of you or your profile at all.
 
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Pharmaruined

Nobody gets out alive
Sep 10, 2020
247
I have no other place to vent this so I hope you guys can listen to me. I did it again, installed tinder once again and it makes me feel a complete loser. No likes, no matches, when I get a match a woman starts to talk to me but she disapears into the unknown darkness leaving even more frustrated. I'm so desperate to find someone to love me but I'm pretty sure I'm using the wrong tools.

Again, sorry for venting this here, it's not related to the forum purpose but I feel at home here.

Remember those dating gurus that hit the scene 10 years ago? Some of them are douchey but there was alot of good info too.. u need to work on your game.. I know it sounds cliche' but regardless, theres alot of free info on YouTube in blogs and articles that will adjust your mindset and your approach to women.. first and foremost you need to drop the display of desperation, it wreaks of weakness.. even if it's how u feel u can't show that side initially..

it's a major turnoff, do to the fact women inherently want someone strong, they can trust and emotionally rely on. even if they say otherwise.
it's hardwired In this predatory and unpredictable society..
 
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