time to move on

[luvpup]

he says its time to move on.
people are cruel.
all they do is lie.
my mom yells at me to get a job and figure out school. she means well but i cant be an adult.
i bought SN.
i didnt want to vomit, i dont care now.
i put my trust in someone too much. when all he had to say was that i could make it, that i could live, that it was okay for me to live. and now i have to die, not just because of him, but because that is all the final proof i need to know god isnt listening to me. and nothing is just. i dont expect a just world, but if it isnt, i dont deserve to live in it. and i dont want to.
i love and i pray and i do everything to try and make my life right.
only to hurt over and over again. over and over. every few months everything disappears. and i have to try again. this has been my life since i was little. i dont care about anything ok?
im gonna make sure i die. i'm gonna make sure i dont have to be here
i'm gonna put my phone far away so i cant call for help
ill make sure to take two cups
ill make sure to take xanax so im not too scared
and ill end it ok?
i dont need to be saved.
i cant save myself.
i cant.
i cant cling to hope that tarot cards give me, i cant try. i cant be an adult.
i'm not meant to be here because if i was god wouldnt do this to me.
and i dont care how stupid you all think i am.
i dont care.
living this way wanting to die all the time. its nothing. im nothing and i cant do it anymore. so i'm done ok?

 

[Ethel]

Goodnight dear
May you have a peaceful sleep with many good dreams
I don't think having hope is good,but I hope you can be happy whatever you do
Gn

 

[LunarLight]

How old are you? You sound very young.

 

[luvpup]

How old are you? You sound very young.

i am 18 and i turned 18 recently. ever since my mom has been a bit moer pressure on me because i am not doing enough. theres no point though because i dont really care... ever since i was 10 its been this way. visualizing my future i could only see me dead. theyd ask me what i wanna be when i grow up and i just think, 'dead'. itll be easier for everyong when they dont have to keep trying to help me. i cant figure out how to help myself. its okay, i know im young but itll be better to die young then to have bigger problems and hit even lower lows.