Story threw away sn, lowkey wish i hadn't

[viljalauss]

was gonna post about it 2 days ago (saturday) .. intel is telling me that was 3 days ago
when i threw it away
i threw it away (it was in the bedroom drawer of my student home) because my friends are staying in my room for the next 2 weeks and i needed to clear drawers and wardrobes and everything. i moved near-everything else to my bf's room and.. well, i did not want him finding it. partly because if i were in his position and came across a flaky salt, especially one surrounded by silica that said DO NOT EAT on it, i would more than likely wanna taste it.. but maybe more importantly because 1) he might well work out what it is because of me and could even try to use it while i'm away -- which is obviously extremely scary to think -- and 2) i pledged to not ctb after he gave me hope that we would be moving in together without me having to go back to my parents. who are against it and i am so deathly scared of their reaction but yea

was gonna post in the recovery section with some (unusually for me. like i had not thought them for the past who knows how many years) hopeful thoughts i had truly had.
but then i went to my parents' house, where i am now and will be till sunday, and remembered exactly why i got the sn in the first place --

1) because everyone is sick of my shit, and rightly so - e.g. i made effort not to tell my parents about my seizures worsening in the last few weeks (thankfully better now) because i was scared they'd make me live with them longer / not let me go back to my student home after this week ends. and then was so tired on sat night that i lost my filter and told my sister by accident who told my parents, who said they felt like failures because i hadn't turned to them for emotional support. another example - my mum has suggested multiple times for me to go swimming. i did really use to like it, as it strangely felt like i could forget about my body in the water.. but there are soooo many factors. i'll spare you guys the details, but it's mainly steps i'd need to do before going if i were to, and steps i'd need to do after, and also dysphoria, which i can't tell her about for reasons all those (and the fact i'm still trying to work out whether i wanna risk seizures) mean i can't give a straight answer and so i keep coming off as dismissive.
basically constant communication failures on my part all around.
2) and because living at my parents' feels like i'm not really living. i don't feel all that real, nor does anything around me. same mental block around going swimming seems to be permeating into everything -- has taken me near 2 hours of being awake to get out of bed for the few days I've been here, longer to eat, even longer to do basic things like wash my face or brush my teeth, and don't get me started on showering. it may feel like extrapolation to say i'm finding those things hard since i haven't been here that long in this stint, but it is just a predictable relay of every time in the past i have had to stay here. every basic thing gets so much harder. including leaving the house, which is just so ironic because i want nothing more than to be living free of it.
also i think i have had latent paranoia of being watched, or surveilled on my computer (the second of which is based in reality, but still ://) and i'm feeling it again, on top of the general inability to relax (both dysphoria and just being on edge).. yay
also it sucks cause before i had left my student home to get here i had made a list of little quests to do to get through the week (wasn't a long list, but it was still something) and now i'm here i just cannot get myself to do anything. not even the laundry. to be fair, the heat isn't helping either

i can't go back to living the way i am now, barely able to practice self-maintenance tasks and fully unable to do anything useful (or do anything that could get me out of my situation without the divine intervention of my bf), but a part of me suspects that even after this week the nightmare will be far from over. and while my sn plans never fully materialised, my constant making of and revision of them almost felt like a coping mechanism in itself, like saying 'ok, we can wait for this date, till then take your time'; and now that's gone i'm scared i'll be more vulnerable to impulsive attempts, with which, unlike with well-thought ones, i just cannot give as much thought to avoiding traumatising other people and making sure it goes right or settling outstanding life matters or.. a lot of things.

so yea. the sn - what feels like my ultimate safety net - is just there far away from me sitting among the non-recyclable waste until friday. if i could magically sleep or at least not leave my room through the next 6 days with no one worrying, that might be a fair trade.
and if i can get through this week without my spirit too thoroughly trampled, i hope to see y'all in the recovery section. but for now.. see title

 

[thirdtimesthecharmg]

Hold tight. It sounds like you have a good plan to be able to build a better life for yourself with your bf.

You can always get more later if you need it. Try to let your bf be your safety net instead of the SN.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I feel like throwing mine out because I don't have the guts to use it atm and definitely don't want someone finding it because I don't know if they'd use it thinking it's salt (I should write something like paint stripper on the packet to dissuade someone from this idea).

I really don't want to label it as SN because a quick google would let them realize what it's for and then I'd have to explain why I have it (to make curing salt) despite everyone knowing I'm vegan.

 

[EternalSummer]

You can always get more SN

I feel like throwing mine out because I don't have the guts to use it atm and definitely don't want someone finding it because I don't know if they'd use it thinking it's salt (I should write something like paint stripper on the packet to dissuade someone from this idea).

I really don't want to label it as SN because a quick google would let them realize what it's for and then I'd have to explain why I have it (to make curing salt) despite everyone knowing I'm vegan.

Lable it as chlorine, if someone ask what it is for, say it is for heavy duty cleaning purposes. Put a big red tape on it with a clear warning, " DO NOT INGEST OR SMELL, HIGHLY TOXIC"

 

[viljalauss]

Hold tight. It sounds like you have a good plan to be able to build a better life for yourself with your bf.

You can always get more later if you need it. Try to let your bf be your safety net instead of the SN.

thank you <33 it is only a matter of days before i see him again, though time seems to be flowing like treacle

and true i can get more sn - think i was just worried about the supplier being found out since of course that has happened to several others. but as sound as that thought might be, hopefully even that will be just a hypothetical and won't need to matter :)

I feel like throwing mine out because I don't have the guts to use it atm and definitely don't want someone finding it because I don't know if they'd use it thinking it's salt (I should write something like paint stripper on the packet to dissuade someone from this idea).

I really don't want to label it as SN because a quick google would let them realize what it's for and then I'd have to explain why I have it (to make curing salt) despite everyone knowing I'm vegan.

yea i think at least writing something to dissuade people from eating it (or even opening it perhaps) is a good idea though can also be super sus. depends how much people know about your situation i suppose

also i'm vegan too :') no real getting round that one.. and it is easier to lie about what the sn is if you have it. i gotta say one of the reasons it took so long to get sn is cause i was trying to avoid getting a wellness check since i would Not be able to tell people truthfully (especially with anyone else present) that i was using it to cure meat

 

[thirdtimesthecharmg]

Yeah, time really does seem to be crawling here as well, even when I have things to do (small things, like dress and get up) and am not doing them.

I used to have a motto, "fun, self-improvement, and service to others". I try to find something to do that fits (even as simple as getting dressed counts as self-improvement) but it's hard to do anything.

Every moment is a victory in a way, I suppose, and I try to hold to that, but also gotta try to do something useful or fun and not just completely fixate on the negative.

 

[viljalauss]

Yeah, time really does seem to be crawling here as well, even when I have things to do (small things, like dress and get up) and am not doing them.

I used to have a motto, "fun, self-improvement, and service to others". I try to find something to do that fits (even as simple as getting dressed counts as self-improvement) but it's hard to do anything.

Every moment is a victory in a way, I suppose, and I try to hold to that, but also gotta try to do something useful or fun and not just completely fixate on the negative.

that's a good grouping of three, i think :) it is still hard to do things despite the action / type of benefit you can recognise in it, but at the very least you can recognise how it benefits you/others while you're doing it, or afterwards.

and yea, small victories. it's good to recognise how helpful 'small' steps can be in themselves (and also isolating those steps feels more manageable at least to me than thinking 'you have to do this every single day now'..). it does feel way harder for me to apply that to myself than to other people (being happy for their small victories and not giving myself the same grace) but i'm working on that

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I feel like throwing mine out because I don't have the guts to use it atm and definitely don't want someone finding it because I don't know if they'd use it thinking it's salt (I should write something like paint stripper on the packet to dissuade someone from this idea).

I really don't want to label it as SN because a quick google would let them realize what it's for and then I'd have to explain why I have it (to make curing salt) despite everyone knowing I'm

...cause you're vegan... The bizarreness and absurdity of your not being able to explain that away is rich...

 

[ecliptic]

I threw mine away and now I regret it too. Does anyone know any other sources that ship to the UK?

 

[EternalSummer]

People throwing sn away lol, whats even the reason for that, youre not forced to use it after buying. Hope you guys have a hard time finding more.