New here, and I'm not sure I could write this stuff in a note (if I even bother writing one) and these are just a bunch of disorganized thoughts anyways
After reading a lot of posts on here, I suppose my situation isn't all that special - Nobody cares about me, life is just getting worse, but my circumstances aren't all that bad, so why do I want to ctb?
I've been thinking about this ever since I was in about 5th grade (I live in the US) and now, as a senior in high school, about to go to college, I'm thinking of finally just putting an end to it.
I cut myself a few times for attention, but nobody ever gave it to me. My parents and siblings are always complaining about stupid bullshit while I know they have perfectly happy lives (hyperbole, but you know what I mean), and any concern they show for me goes away within moments.
I got a girlfriend at the start of high school, and for the first year it felt like things might've been improving. As has always happened, she has drifted away from me. For some reason, she has decided to stay with me, even now. I can't imagine it's because she actually cares, rather I think she's scared of being alone. She's not alone though. She's always with her other friends and only with me when I'm the only option.
I've told her my thoughts of um ctbing? (not sure if that's how you say that here with -ing) but she just threatened to break up with me if I didn't change. If I really acted like how you think I would (based on the writing so far), I should've just broken up with her, but I guess I'm scared of being alone too. Anyways, I didn't change, but I act like I did. She hasn't cared enough to prod further than my stupid fucking acting.
I'm a guy, and so my other friends aren't very close to me either (all men, and you know how male friendships are typically) and they don't really care what I do one way or another. I recently started talking to this guy who I thought might understand, he doesn't either. He says he relishes the loneliness and it makes him feel more confident in his vision of himself. An interesting perspective, but it's not one I understand.
I've contemplated hanging myself off a bridge or something with a little rope I bought at home depot, but it's too thin and will probably snap, especially since I want to do a drop hang and ideally decapitate myself so there's no chance I become a vegetable or something.
I guess that typing this all got the sadness out but now I just feel nothing. I'm broken and a genetic defect. Why am I even here in the first place.
If you got through all that I'm sorry for my bad grammar.
After reading a lot of posts on here, I suppose my situation isn't all that special - Nobody cares about me, life is just getting worse, but my circumstances aren't all that bad, so why do I want to ctb?
I've been thinking about this ever since I was in about 5th grade (I live in the US) and now, as a senior in high school, about to go to college, I'm thinking of finally just putting an end to it.
I cut myself a few times for attention, but nobody ever gave it to me. My parents and siblings are always complaining about stupid bullshit while I know they have perfectly happy lives (hyperbole, but you know what I mean), and any concern they show for me goes away within moments.
I got a girlfriend at the start of high school, and for the first year it felt like things might've been improving. As has always happened, she has drifted away from me. For some reason, she has decided to stay with me, even now. I can't imagine it's because she actually cares, rather I think she's scared of being alone. She's not alone though. She's always with her other friends and only with me when I'm the only option.
I've told her my thoughts of um ctbing? (not sure if that's how you say that here with -ing) but she just threatened to break up with me if I didn't change. If I really acted like how you think I would (based on the writing so far), I should've just broken up with her, but I guess I'm scared of being alone too. Anyways, I didn't change, but I act like I did. She hasn't cared enough to prod further than my stupid fucking acting.
I'm a guy, and so my other friends aren't very close to me either (all men, and you know how male friendships are typically) and they don't really care what I do one way or another. I recently started talking to this guy who I thought might understand, he doesn't either. He says he relishes the loneliness and it makes him feel more confident in his vision of himself. An interesting perspective, but it's not one I understand.
I've contemplated hanging myself off a bridge or something with a little rope I bought at home depot, but it's too thin and will probably snap, especially since I want to do a drop hang and ideally decapitate myself so there's no chance I become a vegetable or something.
I guess that typing this all got the sadness out but now I just feel nothing. I'm broken and a genetic defect. Why am I even here in the first place.
If you got through all that I'm sorry for my bad grammar.
