Zanmato
Student
- Apr 4, 2024
- 150
Long post.
Do you know the feeling that you have... When you have many thoughts in your head, but at the same time you can't even think about a single one?
You try to distract yourself, but you really can't?
I wasn't active on this website for months, I remember I only wrote a few venting posts, about my work.
And... Today I took the decision: I resigned.
Now I have that weird feeling of grief.
I can't say this decision was that easy to take.
I renewed my contract at the end of November, with a few doubts, with the fear that things could become worst.
But I was also afraid to become a Neet again.
A couple of weeks later, I wrote my first venting post here. Turned out, I was right about that fear.
But I renewed, because "After all, it's a job".
I have a past of Neet/Hikikomori, and it helped me.
I was happy at the beginning.
Probably, is because of this that I feel this grief...
At the same time, I know about the toxic coworker (keep micromanaging, gaslighting, writing long text on my days off to blame me for something, even when it wasn't my fault), the bad So-Called Supervisor, the HR...
After a breakdown I had at the beginning of April, I passed the last 10/11 Weeks thinking about leaving, or not.
Every week there was something bad, because of bosses, bad customers, and with anxiety even on my days off (Once I was contacted at 11 pm! Something happened, it wasn't my fault, but somehow that person still wanted to blame me for something, just for saying: "You did wrong").
I think the only nice week was the last one, after all (mainly because the toxic coworker wasn't there?).
And yet... I feel this grief.
I know that is normal, because I'm ending something, and the worst thing is: I liked it, at the beginning. I know the bad things. But I feel like I'm so weak.
Now I'll go to work on my last days with this feeling.
Why, why it turned out to be that bad?
I might think: Maybe I could say: "Sorry, I decided to stay in this workplace", but... Really??
But, at the same time, the thought of me, staying here even more is... Damn, I'm so tired of everything.
I didn't even want to be born.
Do you know the feeling that you have... When you have many thoughts in your head, but at the same time you can't even think about a single one?
You try to distract yourself, but you really can't?
I wasn't active on this website for months, I remember I only wrote a few venting posts, about my work.
And... Today I took the decision: I resigned.
Now I have that weird feeling of grief.
I can't say this decision was that easy to take.
I renewed my contract at the end of November, with a few doubts, with the fear that things could become worst.
But I was also afraid to become a Neet again.
A couple of weeks later, I wrote my first venting post here. Turned out, I was right about that fear.
But I renewed, because "After all, it's a job".
I have a past of Neet/Hikikomori, and it helped me.
I was happy at the beginning.
Probably, is because of this that I feel this grief...
At the same time, I know about the toxic coworker (keep micromanaging, gaslighting, writing long text on my days off to blame me for something, even when it wasn't my fault), the bad So-Called Supervisor, the HR...
After a breakdown I had at the beginning of April, I passed the last 10/11 Weeks thinking about leaving, or not.
Every week there was something bad, because of bosses, bad customers, and with anxiety even on my days off (Once I was contacted at 11 pm! Something happened, it wasn't my fault, but somehow that person still wanted to blame me for something, just for saying: "You did wrong").
I think the only nice week was the last one, after all (mainly because the toxic coworker wasn't there?).
And yet... I feel this grief.
I know that is normal, because I'm ending something, and the worst thing is: I liked it, at the beginning. I know the bad things. But I feel like I'm so weak.
Now I'll go to work on my last days with this feeling.
Why, why it turned out to be that bad?
I might think: Maybe I could say: "Sorry, I decided to stay in this workplace", but... Really??
But, at the same time, the thought of me, staying here even more is... Damn, I'm so tired of everything.
I didn't even want to be born.
