Venting Thoughts

[BBY]

Anytime something is about to happen in my life I begin to feel extreme dread. I put a deadline at which I HAVE to ctb because I don't think I'll be able to survive this big change. For days all I think about is meeting my demise just so I don't have to go to this place/talk to this person/do this thing or whatever. I lay in bed every night begging to die some way other than ctb. Or have something terrible happen to me like disease, , kidnapping, anything that would give me an excuse to not do this thing. I think about nothing else. I feel like I either need to die or just have something happen that renders me unable. God I'm thinking about ctb right now to avoid what I have to do tomorrow. I'm scared of it although I know it probably won't be bad.

 

[bluebus]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I (like many here I'm sure) can understand the feeling of wanting some great force to take us out, so we don't have to ourselves. A plane or a bus or a meteor- anything! It's a sad statement, but one that many of us can relate to. I wish I could offer some advice or ease your pain in some way. But just know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I hope you can eventually find the peace you deserve. All the best, bb

 

[BloomingStrella]

I understand how you're feeling. Though I'm not actively suicidal, as I have no resources readily available, I always dread when things start going well. It's like life wants to lower my guard down so it can pick me up and slam me to the ground for the thousandth time. I also always pray to die in my sleep, though I'm an atheist. Thinking about suicide has gotten me through many a night, as ironic as it sounds. Just imagining it gives me comfortable feelings of warmth that I couldn't get from anywhere else.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable having dread for the future, the fact that existence is unpredcitable and uncertain is why for me death is the only relief, only the thought of not existing comforts me. But anyway I wish you the best.