I try to practice jumping in my head. Conjuring up the exact way I'll feel. I'm very good at putting myself in that space, down to the flying bugs I'll inevitably encounter lol (I bought one of those hats with the netting over it so they won't distract me).
My biggest issue is not having the time to work myself up to do it because some Johnny Wannabe-Hero will try and stop me.
The place I've chosen is a bridge over a humongous lake. I can't swim and it's 62 feet deep in the middle.
I've watched videos of the drive and the railing is about as high as the hood of a car. Getting over wouldn't be an issue.
But I know me and I'll need a few minutes to just... To just be.
I'll definitely need to drink beforehand and the bridge is long enough that it has those crossovers in case you need to turn around. I'll have to use one of those while I'm up there to take a few swigs.
Now that I think about it, I can just leave the car parked there. The last thing I want to do is injure someone or take them with me, so driving while intoxicated is out of the question.
Another hurdle is finding the strength to drive the 8 hours to the bridge from my house. I can barely find the energy to walk from one end of my house to the other in order to water my plants.
The doorbell rings and I don't have the strength to reach for my phone to look at the camera and see who it is. I lay there, staring at a random spot on the wall until they leave.
Walking to the mailbox takes a Herculean effort, so I have no idea how to prepare for an 8-hour drive.
I've spent the better part of the morning researching how to buy SN and I've come up empty. I've even looked into creating a "business" so I can buy it from the wholesalers who only sell to commercial businesses. The paperwork involved gave me a headache.
I'm just rambling now so I'll stop. But I'm glad I found this place. It helps so much to be able to say these things in a matter-of-fact way without having to justify or explain why I can no longer be here.
I just can't. End of story.