Thoughts i cant get rid of and trembling on the edge

[Leoloria]

Hello lovelies!


[TW]
Im 23 and i've been struggling with mental & physical health for quite some time. Im heavily affected by bipolar,boderline and endometriosis and had many failed attempts. I decided to post here because i dont have any friends or family members who care about me.

I failed all my college exams because of my heavy depression and a suicide attempt, and im about to get kicked out. My parents keep nagging at me for being useless, unable to study and do the work im supposed to do, constantly haunting me like demons while chanting in my ear that im not made for life because im a failure.

My relationship that i had for 2 years fell apart mainly because of my mental health and my ex accusing me of cheating because i isolated myself, sought out unknown people to talk to and got in contact with several drug dealers trying to buy something that i could OD on, for which i was called every swear word in the bible and got accused of selling myself, while said person had an intimate relationship with a friend [who was sending my ex porn and such].

I've been thinking about buying 98-99% helium for a while now, reaserched after it and choose a specific shop that has the 5 L gas tanks on a cheap and reasonable price haha.. since i could scrape some money together and i dont want to endure my situation. It feels like a hopeless curse, being haunted by a family i want to leave behind but not having the option to, getting on drugs to numb the pain, watching my life fall apart in front of my eyes because of my abusive family.... i just dont want it at this point, and i feel like the only thing people seem to want from me is my looks because thats the only attractive thing people can find in me.
I always said: I dont know how many "It is what it is" - i have in me but at this point, i feel like i played out all my cards.

I've been planning to end my life in the past 2-3 weeks and i think im actually ready to leave it all behind for good and if i do soon, i hope at least my parents will quiver and scream in pain of not having anyone to take care of them at 60 and all the money they lost with raising a child, just like i screamed and suffered from their abusive hands. I just wish i wouldnt wake up for tomorrow or the week after and the month after and so on.
Im sorry if this post disturbed anyone.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry all of this happened to you.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That's really a hard life...I'm so sorry you've suffered and continue to suffer so much. What your ex did was a low blow, especially during a time where you were so fragile. It seems like people can always disappoint us more...

Some parents don't deserve their children to take care of them and it looks like that's the case of your parents as well.

I hope getting the needed materials can give you some comfort in that you have control over your own mortality. Never want to see someone go but if you feel like you've exhausted all your options, then I wish you the best on your journey.

I'm sorry life is so cruel...

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you've been through, it sounds like you've suffered so much. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[PhoenixPX]

I am sorry to hear you must go through all this.

I'm interested in what drugs you used to O.D. Because you also used them to numb the pain.

I also wonder why you don't change major if you fail all your college exams. Or is it that your parents want you to do this specific major.

 

[cruelexistence]

Wow, that's terrible. I don't know what to say. I just think existence just really sucks. I hope you get the peace you need.