Venting Thought recovery was for me

[terra.nuvo]

Recently, I've come to the realization that CTB is really the only option for me. I tried to recover. I've been going to therapy, taking all the medicines, but nothing seems to work. And honestly I'm just tired of this long march towards nothing. My therapist and my mom would say to just take life one day at a time. But how long can I really keep doing that? I had a plan to finish school but then what? I just work a meaningless job for the rest of my life? I've never found love and don't see that in my future. I wouldn't even know where to begin to look. I ruined most of my friendships and am in the process of ruining the rest of them. I also recently quit my job cause it was too stressful and all I was doing was working at a freaking car wash. I'm useless. At this point the only things keeping me here are my fear of the unknown and fear of hurting my mother, but this isn't a way to live. My future just appears very dark right now and I can't see a way out, so CTB it is for me. Now all I have to do is find a method. I've been thinking about partial hanging but I'm scared of the pain that might be involved. I was also thinking about trying out pong pong seeds but there isn't much on here about them.

I just want this life to be over. I'm scared though of what lies beyond this life. I'm hoping that God shows mercy towards me. I also hope I don't just reincarnate into another life as I can't imagine that it'd be better than this one. The biggest thing holding me back is fear of the unknown. I want to get past it so that I can finally end this suffering but I don't know how.

 

[theboy]

I really understand you