mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 187
Well, I've 100% made peace with the fact that I'll CTB in December. I've had the 16th of December noted as the day I go through with it for over two years now, after all.
I stopped taking my antidepressants well
over 1-2 months ago and I don't intend on going back to taking them because there's no point. They did help a little, but they just forced me to life in this sunshine and rainbows delusion and not fix my life.
Talking about fixing my life- I could be debt-free, have a job I love and be in a beautiful relationship and still think about killing myself every day. I know that, because that's just how I am. The current circumstances do amplify my suicidal ideation, but that's been there for the past ten years anyway.
I know I'm going to CTB in December. But how am I supposed to deal with the guilt of the person who finds me, and family? I know my friends will get over it and move on, but I know my mother won't. And my father is ill with cancer anyway, so that might just make him even more sick. My siblings, I assume, would be sad as well.
I even considered, maybe it would be better to end up as braindead so they'd still have me there for a bit and choose when to pull the plug themselves. (this is an incredibly sick thought, and I'm sorry if this comes across as weird- I'm not the kind of person who thinks like this usually).
But that would be unfair towards me as well.
And I've tried to fix my life, I really did. But no one else sees it. They all see a loser, and everyone just keeps telling me the same things. And I guess my own sister calling me a waste and telling me that if she were my mom, she would've just kicked me out long ago, knowing I'd have nowhere else to go, might have just been the last missing piece for me.
I stopped taking my antidepressants well
over 1-2 months ago and I don't intend on going back to taking them because there's no point. They did help a little, but they just forced me to life in this sunshine and rainbows delusion and not fix my life.
Talking about fixing my life- I could be debt-free, have a job I love and be in a beautiful relationship and still think about killing myself every day. I know that, because that's just how I am. The current circumstances do amplify my suicidal ideation, but that's been there for the past ten years anyway.
I know I'm going to CTB in December. But how am I supposed to deal with the guilt of the person who finds me, and family? I know my friends will get over it and move on, but I know my mother won't. And my father is ill with cancer anyway, so that might just make him even more sick. My siblings, I assume, would be sad as well.
I even considered, maybe it would be better to end up as braindead so they'd still have me there for a bit and choose when to pull the plug themselves. (this is an incredibly sick thought, and I'm sorry if this comes across as weird- I'm not the kind of person who thinks like this usually).
But that would be unfair towards me as well.
And I've tried to fix my life, I really did. But no one else sees it. They all see a loser, and everyone just keeps telling me the same things. And I guess my own sister calling me a waste and telling me that if she were my mom, she would've just kicked me out long ago, knowing I'd have nowhere else to go, might have just been the last missing piece for me.
