Discussion Thought Experiment: If you could go back in time, would you still be suicidal?

[almaranthine]

You have decided to end your life and after enacting your meticulously researched plan you have now lost consciousness, but instead of shedding this mortal coil forever and entering a peaceful sleep, you are transported backwards through time... to your most ideal "moment" and awaken with all of your memories from the time you've lived through fully in tact. How do you react? What do you proceed to do? Will you be thankful for the opportunity, accept this new consciousness and try to rectify your past life's mistakes, or are you immediately seeking the next easiest way to end it all, hopefully escaping the cycle?Share your thoughts and what your experience would be if you wish. I think this would be mine:

I wake up. It is sometime in October of 2013. I'm laying in a dormitory bed, and my roommate is out. I scream in horror at my surroundings. This must be a cruel, horrible form of cosmic torture, I think to myself. Perhaps we really do live in a simulation after all. Nothing about this situation brings me to believe in a benevolent higher power. I climb down from the lofted mattress and move towards the door in a haze. As I exit into the common area, other students are chatting, seated around tables decorated with laptops, papers, and coffee cups. The tv is on. Laughter echoes from down the hallway. I struggle to believe any of this is real. Deep down, I don't want it to be real. I look down at my hands. There isn't a scar across my left palm—this is my 18 yr old body. I realize I can't even go get a drink if I wanted to. Someone calls out to me, but I feel like a ghost, and instead of responding, I turn right back around and go back into my room, locking the door behind me. I find my old, or rather current, iPhone sitting on the desk. Luckily, it reads my thumbprint, because if it had a passcode, I wouldn't have remembered what it was. The date reads October 23, 2013. There are unopened texts from "friends" of the time, asking me if I can take them out in my car, wanting to drive around and smoke weed. I set the phone back down. I don't want to be here either. I didn't want to be in my last life, and I don't have the mind to be back here, in college. I'm angry more than anything. If I just kill myself again where might I end up? I could change, and become an entirely different person than I was... but that doesn't mean that life will be any easier or more rewarding. It's a complete gamble. I'm spiritually exhausted, permanently tired, and I don't see my internal makeup changing just because I have a supposed chance to "make it all right."

"Fuck this," I say out loud. "I need a cigarette," I mutter as I dejectedly grab my purse and turn towards the door.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I can't go back in time to any point without multiple horrible things already having happened to me :( . So in my case, I'd still be somewhat suicidal. I just woke up from the most horrible nightmare :(

 

[FuneralCry]

I would want to die no matter what. How could I ever not be suicidal, it would be impossible for me. The thought of death has always been extremely comforting. It would be so horrifying somehow ending up back in this life after I manage to go through with ctb. Of course I would find a way to leave, I want nothing to do with life at all. I've never had an ideal moment, the closest thing to relief is when I am sleeping, but even sleep doesn't offer me the relief that I so desperately want.

 

[StolenLife]

The thoughts might still be there since some of the things happened when I was a toddler, but at least I wouldn't have as many regrets since I'd know what to do and which people to avoid. I'd try to enjoy my youth and not care that much about schoolwork. Not to mention I'd be a much better friend and person now that I've realized what really matters to me. I wish I could go back to either december 30, 2011 or january 8, 2012. Altough sometime in the summer of 2012 would also be good.

 

[Tomoko]

I can definitely change a lot of things for the better, but many things were fucked up in my life from the start. (Although I wont get TMI). But I could definitely make my current self not suicidal, just scarred.

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

There is nothing I want more than to have a do over. But it would need to start long before I turned 18. And honestly speaking, even with the knowledge I have now, I don't think I would be able to change a whole lot. Being unable to control my emotions was my biggest downfall, and after everything that has happened in my life, is still impossible for me to control. Especially when most people including my family choose to purposely play with my emotions in an effort to watch me squirm.

 

[gramenii]

I had 3 really bad experiences. In a span of 10 years . And I suffered so much. I thought how ideal would be to just go back in time and fix things from the beggining. I could have been so different.
Honestly? If I have to choose to go back in time, I would choose to go back only about 4 months ago. Because that is what really fucked up everything. I ll forget about the remaining 9+ years of suffering if I could just fix this little thing
I would be able to relieve those 9 years again as a sacrifice if I know I could have done something different 4 months ago.
Sometimes I wish to die and wake up in a different timeline where everything is different.

 

[theboy]

Maybe not

 

[BGooG]

I often think about this, wondering how I would change my life if I could. For instance, given the state of marriage, I could simply say "I'll marry a different woman in my life." But then I think that if I did that, my daughter wouldn't exist. And this world is a better place for having her in it. I don't think I could bear to live the rest of my life never speaking with her again. So I think, I'll do some things differently with my wife, maybe avoid the entrenched resentment she feels towards me. But that would involve me changing her and her reactions to certain things as well; how successful would that be! Ultimately, we'd likely end up in the same place. Which means I'd probably end up feeling like I do now, which is wanting it to end.

There you have it - no concrete answer. I could avoid little mistakes, and enjoy certain things more. But how to keep the good while losing the bad - probably can't be done. So we're stuck in time.

 

[vegetables&sadness]

I'd go back in time to when I moved into my 2nd foster home. Wonderful family, and my foster Dad owned a couple of guns for hunting (hard to get guns here in the UK, and that's without mental illness on your medical record) so I'd be able to speedrun the process and end it from several years ago

 

[Al0neAlwayz]

I would go back to 2007. I would be a much better mother than I was, a much better wife, and better daughter. Even a better sister. I treated everyone in my life that I loved poorly. But, 2014 would be the pivotal moment in time, before I made the single worst mistake of my life that destroyed my life and hurt those I love most. If I had not been such a horrible person and not taken people for granted maybe I'd still have family but I would give anything and then some to have a "re-do"... I would not have lost everyone I love, I would not be a convicted felon dealing with horrible labels and judged by everyone and I would take full advantage of the opportunity and make the very best of it. And I would definitely not be suicidal.

 

[Walilamdzii]

no.

 

[Popcornmew]

I would go back in time to when i wasnt conceived yet and prevent it. It would be an added bonus if i could make my beloved mom never fall im love with my dad, but idk, it was her life after all. I would just prevent being made that moment so another baby could form moments after, not me

 

[Hope:-)]

I'd go back to any time before early 2007

 

[AliceTheGoon]

If I could go back to September of last year I would not have to ctb. Possibly as late as November but that may already have been too late. If I could live completely over again I'd go back to fourth grade, sixth at the latest. By seventh grade I think I'd already set some irreversible things in motion.

 

[outrider567]

Just back a few years when she was healthy and we took so many trips at this time of year

 

[onetapgandhi]

No. I'll go back to 2018. Get out of the house like I was supposed too and not take a second look back at any of these wretched people ever again

 

[akirat9]

yes

 

[Sad_Sack]

My health problems seemed to start after a skateboard injury when I was 17. It became horribly infected and developed into lymphangitis and spread through my body. This started an autoimmune process that has fucked me up to no ends. Then antidepressants and benzodiazepines for years. The actual injury itself aside from the infection caused structural damage that left me never walking the same again. If I could go back I would NEVER touch a skateboard.

 

[Hirokami]

I could have prevented so many things from happening, though not everything. I think I'd be only less suicidal. My anxiety disorder would still be there as I was born with it; I was always a ticking time bomb.

Want to know what would've helped prevent me from returning to this site, though? If I went back in November of 2021 and was more assertive. That event was a domino effect, I swear to God. I couldn't work as much, meaning I couldn't save that much money to do what I need to do. And that lead to my vacation being shitty. No, it wasn't shitty because I was broke (though, that didn't help). It was shitty because I couldn't leave early enough for it, forcing me to deal with people who got on my nerves.

It was more than just a "bad vacation". It was traumatizing and now I'm isolating myself from everyone for God knows how long. That was my breaking point and I would give anything to prevent all this. It's like fate decided I don't deserve to improve no matter how much I try.

 

[Dark Moon]

Yes I would still be suicidal even if I went back in time because I was suffering in some way.

 

[Unhirable]

No I wouldn't be.

A lot of my health problems are because i was a FUCKING RETARD and if I could go back they wouldn't exist or be nearly as bad.

I also would buy a shit ton of bitcoin so no need to work a slave labor job

 

[mkhan1985]

Send me back to November 2021, and my life would have been perfect, as it was up to this date. I wouldn't have lost my job because of some backstabbing colleagues, I wouldn't go into a suicidal depression, I wouldn't treat my wife and my daughter bad because of my despair, I would have been a super healthy 37-year old man loving his life and sorroundings.

 

[No blackangel]

Nope

 

[Darkover]

nope

 

[almaranthine]

No. I'll go back to 2018. Get out of the house like I was supposed too and not take a second look back at any of these wretched people ever again

Because of finances (or lack there of) I lived with family members back and fourth and it never worked out. It was terrible to experience people accepting me into their home at first, only to turn on me for no reason, or making me feel like some terrible burden. I try to imagine where my life could have gone had I been able to afford my first apartment. Unfortunately, at minimum wage I couldn't.

@Darkover and @No blackangel i feel you... my whole writing experiment was to show that even if I could go back to the most "ideal" time to rewrite my life I would be overwhelmed and convinced that nothing I could do would really matter hence the "fuck it I'm going to buy smokes". But I'm glad that a time machine/cosmic redo would help some. Best wishes.

 

[lionetta12]

You have decided to end your life and after enacting your meticulously researched plan you have now lost consciousness, but instead of shedding this mortal coil forever and entering a peaceful sleep, you are transported backwards through time... to your most ideal "moment" and awaken with all of your memories from the time you've lived through fully in tact. How do you react? What do you proceed to do? Will you be thankful for the opportunity, accept this new consciousness and try to rectify your past life's mistakes, or are you immediately seeking the next easiest way to end it all, hopefully escaping the cycle?Share your thoughts and what your experience would be if you wish. I think this would be mine:

I wake up. It is sometime in October of 2013. I'm laying in a dormitory bed, and my roommate is out. I scream in horror at my surroundings. This must be a cruel, horrible form of cosmic torture, I think to myself. Perhaps we really do live in a simulation after all. Nothing about this situation brings me to believe in a benevolent higher power. I climb down from the lofted mattress and move towards the door in a haze. As I exit into the common area, other students are chatting, seated around tables decorated with laptops, papers, and coffee cups. The tv is on. Laughter echoes from down the hallway. I struggle to believe any of this is real. Deep down, I don't want it to be real. I look down at my hands. There isn't a scar across my left palm—this is my 18 yr old body. I realize I can't even go get a drink if I wanted to. Someone calls out to me, but I feel like a ghost, and instead of responding, I turn right back around and go back into my room, locking the door behind me. I find my old, or rather current, iPhone sitting on the desk. Luckily, it reads my thumbprint, because if it had a passcode, I wouldn't have remembered what it was. The date reads October 23, 2013. There are unopened texts from "friends" of the time, asking me if I can take them out in my car, wanting to drive around and smoke weed. I set the phone back down. I don't want to be here either. I didn't want to be in my last life, and I don't have the mind to be back here, in college. I'm angry more than anything. If I just kill myself again where might I end up? I could change, and become an entirely different person than I was... but that doesn't mean that life will be any easier or more rewarding. It's a complete gamble. I'm spiritually exhausted, permanently tired, and I don't see my internal makeup changing just because I have a supposed chance to "make it all right."

"Fuck this," I say out loud. "I need a cigarette," I mutter as I dejectedly grab my purse and turn towards the door.

Short answer, yeah, my CTB would be intevitable because of my family largely and no amount of rewind of time can avoid that. I would have to be an infant at the time to avoid whatever was about to transpire but an infant can't exactly pick up a phone and call child protective services.

 

[botch3d]

If I could go back in time my life would be amazing

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I don't think going back in time would cure me. Sure, some things would be better, I'd be able to attempt to rectify past mistakes, but the truth is I'd still be horribly mentally ill. I would also have still had to endure through my childhood assuming we go back that far.

 

[MountainMonkey]

Going back in time would be a life saver. I'd go back to last December, before I threw my entire life savings into crypto. One financial mistake would be corrected and I could continue to live as a mountain climbing dirt bag, living out of my car, enjoying life to the fullest. Instead of an empty soul, shell of a human, forced to begrudgingly exist among a society that worships concrete and technology