Discussion Those who are masking their ideation more. Do you still think you've dropped enough hints to reveal how you feel? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I've just read a thread discussing the inference of CTB:

The unspoken inference of CTB?

I couldn't think of a better title for this thread, but I had a nagging thought over the years, with regards to a potential pattern I observed either IRL or through online platforms and spaces outside of SaSu. The thing I observed is where whenever someone is stressed or upset (for whatever...

sanctioned-suicide.net

And, it's inspired me to make a poll.

I suppose it is more targetted at people who have been trying to mask their ideation. Do you still think you've dropped hints that allude to you being suicidal or, wishing you were dead? Did you let those hints out more consciously or, by mistake? Did anyone pick up on them?

I've only told a handful of friends outright that I developed ideation in childhood and have had those feelings ever since. Mostly when I either sensed they felt the same or, that they were pro- choice enough not to go ballistic.

I haven't said it outright to family but, I feel like I've said more than enough around them for them to join the dots. I just think they don't want to. Even under high stress situations at work in the past, I've said more than I should. Again, they just went quiet, more than pushing for clarification. Which was a mercy- really. Maybe they wanted rid of me. Lol.

I'm curious really. How stone walled are you about ideation? How conscious are you to keep it all hidden? Do hints slip out from time to time? Do you have control over it?

It's usually when I'm feeling really stressed, that I'll let something slip. Often when another expectation or disappointment in me is dumped on me. I suppose because it provokes my rebellious side to say: 'No- this isn't reasonable because- I don't even want to be alive!' I am still conscious though- that it's probably stupid to hint at it. Just that, in that moment, I am too frustrated to care.

What are your experiences?

 

[Pluto]

 

[_Gollum_]

I don't think so but I might be underestimating how perceptive my family is. Some of them certainly at least suspect that I've had/have depression, but I doubt any of them have any idea as to the depths of my suicidality. The closest I came to slipping was when my little brother was having a mental crisis and was passively suicidal, and I wasn't participating in the "prevention" of his suicide and was instead saying that if that's his choice, I respect it. It was not a very popular view...

 

[vitbar]

Since I started telling people about my depression (but not ideation) some now look worried by my morbid attitudes and sense of humour.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very honored that you were inspired by my thread and article, especially ones that were pretty thought-provoking and interesting to ponder on. As for the poll, I've answered both as a stonewall and also let slip some hints consciously (albeit indirectly). When I said indirectly, an example would be about a desire to get some fancy goal or aspiration, but without trying to hint at my real intention (if I fail to attain xyz, I will CTB). So instead, I may hint that it will be a very bad thing and I would be very sad, upset, and maybe not really get over it, and emphasize how it is a big deal. I do suppose if someone was curious enough, they could indirectly infer 'CTB' though it would be a very 'tenuous' connection at best (because I would hint, subtly about CTB but just in so many words, or like a word salad).

I would consider that I do drop hints in a way, consciously, but very indirectly for obvious reasons though. Like for example, if at some future time I failed to get whatever goal or aspiration or something (even if I at some point dropped a few hints), and then sometime after the failure (could be months or late into the future), CTB, it is possible some people could connect the dots (even if indirectly or even if they didn't it would be irrelevant as I'd be dead). Chances are, the closer in proximity in time the higher the odds of connecting the act (CTB attempt successful or so) to the real cause. In the end though, I'm only trying to find peace in any way that I could, the best way that I could, but I digress. In a less prohibitive, more pro-choice society, I may not be as discrete or have to mask as much, but sadly in today's evergrowing paternalistic and surveillance world, privacy is more important than ever...

 

[bloodfiend]

(this is my first time posting btw and i felt like this was a good place to start. so, hello.)
i'm pretty acutely aware of how i come off the people, and my tone sounds so sarcastic--even when it's unintentional--that i doubt most people would think i wasn't joking. i haven't ever told anyone irl the true extent of my ideation though, just because of the fallout and potential consequences of that.

I feel like I've said more than enough around them for them to join the dots. I just think they don't want to.

i think it's kind of the same situation for me. people close to me like my mother are probably aware, but they don't want to actually go there because it's too painful.

 

[Ilovemycats]

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

 

[LettinGooo]

Two attempts within a week. One wasnt a serious attempt but more a breakdown while my most recent Inert Gas via Helium which unfortunately failed would have been successful if I uhh didn't violently convulse and fall over.

Haven't told anyone despite wanting to as it will no doubt prevent me from succeeding.

Having to work nearly immediately after my He attempt wasn't fun.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Two attempts within a week. One wasnt a serious attempt but more a breakdown while my most recent Inert Gas via Helium which unfortunately failed would have been successful if I uhh didn't violently convulse and fall over.

Haven't told anyone despite wanting to as it will no doubt prevent me from succeeding.

Having to work nearly immediately after my He attempt wasn't fun.

That must have been so rough to have to go to work afterwards. You must have felt so physically and mentally disorientated.

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

Is the 'help' making any difference?

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

Is the 'help' making any difference?

 

[LettinGooo]

That must have been so rough to have to go to work afterwards. You must have felt so physically and mentally disorientated.


Is the 'help' making any difference?


Is the 'help' making any difference?

Honestly no. The failed attempt gave me a perspective shift and I've stopped caring about anything. 10/10 would recommend.

 

[itsgone2]

I drop hints but it's more that I don't mask anything. I can't anyway. There are suddenly very real problems in my life so it's not borne of nothing but the people I work with know me as some that jokes around. A lot. Now it's hard to stand and I never joke. I've lost a lot of weight. Everyone knows im going downhill fast. But what can they do? What is anyone to do? I sincerely wish I would have ctb already. I hate SI for stopping me. Hopefully it's soon.

 

[calicocat07]

Honestly I realized i kept making too many jokes about wanting to kill me myself lately lol. Oops.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

With mental health professionals, honestly I tend to slip because they always ask the hard questions and I'm bad at lying to direct questions. With everyone else (family, "friends", etc.) they're none the wiser. I'm great at avoiding the topic, and nobody gives a shit about my feelings so it never comes up.

 

[Lunareonn]

My mom knows I have depression, but she has no idea I have suicidal thoughts and am looking into offing myself
My friends on the other hand know that I'm suicidal, tho I lie often saying nothing is going to happen, even tho that'll probably turn out to false

 

[mysticatedwine]

i send a LOT of signals to my friend. because i'm scared and i tend to overshare a lot of things. i've told one of them once that i'm suicidal, but it was a few months ago and she probably believes that i've moved on to something else now. but i haven't.

i send signals because i don't want to be alone, because i want to be supported and validated even with my suicidal ideation. i think i "overact" things a bit? i'm constantly tired but maybe i act a little more tired and neurasthenic than i actually am. or, well, i show it more than i would naturally.

i'm planning to suicide in about 6 months. i wonder if i will have told anybody about my suicidal ideations by then. if i will have gotten at least a tiny bit of support or human warmth. but i can't bring the subject to the table myself, i'm too ashamed and guilty. i want them to notice. please notice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

i send a LOT of signals to my friend. because i'm scared and i tend to overshare a lot of things. i've told one of them once that i'm suicidal, but it was a few months ago and she probably believes that i've moved on to something else now. but i haven't.

i send signals because i don't want to be alone, because i want to be supported and validated even with my suicidal ideation. i think i "overact" things a bit? i'm constantly tired but maybe i act a little more tired and neurasthenic than i actually am. or, well, i show it more than i would naturally.

i'm planning to suicide in about 6 months. i wonder if i will have told anybody about my suicidal ideations by then. if i will have gotten at least a tiny bit of support or human warmth. but i can't bring the subject to the table myself, i'm too ashamed and guilty. i want them to notice. please notice.

I tend to think- if support could help you and if your friends are genuine then, maybe it's worth having a heart to heart with one you really trust. If you want support then- I think it's worth trying to reach out for it. That's not to say it will necessarily be enough or, that friends will be able to give enough though.

Do you think it would completely panic them to know? Is there a risk they might abandon you? Do you think it would make a big enough difference to make you try to live/ recover?

You shouldn't feel embarassed though. I'm sure many people struggle throughout life.

 

[offbalance]

I've just read a thread discussing the inference of CTB:

The unspoken inference of CTB?

I couldn't think of a better title for this thread, but I had a nagging thought over the years, with regards to a potential pattern I observed either IRL or through online platforms and spaces outside of SaSu. The thing I observed is where whenever someone is stressed or upset (for whatever...

sanctioned-suicide.net

And, it's inspired me to make a poll.

I suppose it is more targetted at people who have been trying to mask their ideation. Do you still think you've dropped hints that allude to you being suicidal or, wishing you were dead? Did you let those hints out more consciously or, by mistake? Did anyone pick up on them?

I've only told a handful of friends outright that I developed ideation in childhood and have had those feelings ever since. Mostly when I either sensed they felt the same or, that they were pro- choice enough not to go ballistic.

I haven't said it outright to family but, I feel like I've said more than enough around them for them to join the dots. I just think they don't want to. Even under high stress situations at work in the past, I've said more than I should. Again, they just went quiet, more than pushing for clarification. Which was a mercy- really. Maybe they wanted rid of me. Lol.

I'm curious really. How stone walled are you about ideation? How conscious are you to keep it all hidden? Do hints slip out from time to time? Do you have control over it?

It's usually when I'm feeling really stressed, that I'll let something slip. Often when another expectation or disappointment in me is dumped on me. I suppose because it provokes my rebellious side to say: 'No- this isn't reasonable because- I don't even want to be alive!' I am still conscious though- that it's probably stupid to hint at it. Just that, in that moment, I am too frustrated to care.

What are your experiences?

I told a bunch of people when I was really drunk so yeah :/ and more than once

 

[LOPARDA]

I've unintentionally dropped a lot of hints but it seems that people do not care, which is a very good thing since I don't want people to find out how passive suicidal I am.

 

[MicahBell]

i literally told my family i was suicidal at one point, but i genuinely think they forgot. after i told them they never brought it up again. i dont need to drop hints, they shouldnt have forgotten lmao

 

[Scythe]

No half meassure! Irl ppl will find out when I die, cause I know their reaction won't be good. Online ppl know, I don't feel like hiding it online, this is who I am, I don't want to hide that. If ppl don't like it so be it.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

At first I told the people around me that I am suicidal and that I have a way to do it. People brushed it off and when I lied and said I have no more suicidal thoughts, nobody could tell anymore. Since then I make small jokes about it to my friend but I don't think anybody seriously knows. Tbh, I don't think anybody really cares.

 

[Lycoris]

My family isnt aware because I dont live with them anymore but my friends are aware of my loose ideation. I dont think they realize how bad it is and that im already thinking of methods because I'm scared of having them call the cops on me again for a welfare check. I think i'd probably suicide by cop if it happened again.

 

[gottacheckout]

As I've gotten older I've started caring less and less about keeping it a secret. The few good friends that I have all know about my ideas and the fact I keep a significant number of methods on hand ready to use. Am I concerned that they will "report me" to whomever? Not really, they all know I'm a Crazy Old Bastard and it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge.

 

[Irisse]

My parents already know. And I only have one friend irl. But since I've had an experience of my former high school friend abandoning me for my suicidality, I've decided to never ever drop any hints with her. She does know about my depression but not the extent of it and she definitely doesn't know about my other mental issues.

 

[Chairbed3]

I once asked my father in the middle of a fight if he feels good if I die. I remember it was impulsive but my father took it as a threat and laughed mockingly. Looking back, that was clearly my attempt to tell them how I feel, but it wasn't mature communication to be honest.

Other than that, my family is aware of my misery and my feelings because I told them multiple times and they did try to console me. I don't think they have any inkling of my suicidal plans though. They would be surprised when it happens.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I once asked my father in the middle of a fight if he feels good if I die. I remember it was impulsive but my father took it as a threat and laughed mockingly. Looking back, that was clearly my attempt to tell them how I feel, but it wasn't mature communication to be honest.

Other than that, my family is aware of my misery and my feelings because I told them multiple times and they did try to console me. I don't think they have any inkling of my suicidal plans though. They would be surprised when it happens.

I've had kind of similar experiences where the truth has almost slipped out during irate discussions. It's a shame really because- it's probably the worst emotional state for both involved to be discussing such a thing. They're already angry or annoyed with us so- it can come across as a tactic to shock and guilt trip them I suppose- which they in turn get annoyed about or, don't take seriously.

I've often felt the best time to tell my Dad would be when we are both talking calmly and rationally. If I'm able to hold on though- till he goes first (which is my aim,) it's unlikely I will ever tell him outright.

I'm sorry your father didn't pick up on it though. I think people are sometimes just too scared to even want to know.

 

[Chairbed3]

I've had kind of similar experiences where the truth has almost slipped out during irate discussions. It's a shame really because- it's probably the worst emotional state for both involved to be discussing such a thing. They're already angry or annoyed with us so- it can come across as a tactic to shock and guilt trip them I suppose- which they in turn get annoyed about or, don't take seriously.

I've often felt the best time to tell my Dad would be when we are both talking calmly and rationally. If I'm able to hold on though- till he goes first (which is my aim,) it's unlikely I will ever tell him outright.

I'm sorry your father didn't pick up on it though. I think people are sometimes just too scared to even want to know.

I get it. This happened more than an year ago and I'm currently at a point where I'm unbothered by how he perceives me. There's no point anymore to tell anyone.