I only played one time theater. It was around the time of my first psychosis. It was about a school book we read. I loved the book. And many girls complimented me for how good I was acting. What happened afterwards was embarrassing my psychosis. But I think many people were concerned of me in the first place. I can remember about playing theater in the book we read. I enjoyed playing that role a lot. The protagonist was actually bipolar, suicidal, extremely deep, melancholic and very philospophical. I had no clue about bipolar disorder but he deeply resonated with me. I can remember I saw a peer crying in a room of my school. This was very prior to my psychosis before my life collapsed. I approached him and asked him what is going. I cannot remember the answer anymore. But life didn't really reward me trying to help him. Later when I had my diagnosis I once met him with his gorgeous girlfriend at a psychiatrist. But I start to ramble.
Yesterday I was at my new autism self-help group. I might be a little bit too hypomanic because of that. My thoughts are very paced and I also got that feedback. I enjoyed being able to talk about all the things I read on a daily basis. And it helped me to vent about my therapist. And what she did to me.
I do a lot of introspection with chatGPT and I create lists of my cognitive distortions/psychological profile. And it helps me to understand me more in-depth. There is something I don't understand. Some people often women can spot I am neurodiverse. I am not exactly sure why. Sometimes we don't even talk a lot. I think I am socially awkwrd.
I think I don't understand social interactions intuitively. My response is often delayed. I have to analyze the interaction in order to react. I think I sometimes play a role. I often play the role of being really deep and smart. I subconsciously act in the way I imagine intellectuals to be like. The interesting is: the organizer told me right at the start of the group. I didn't talk much to that time. But I said I don't have an official diagnosis. But he told me he is pretty sure I am exactly right in this group. Something that's interesting. I think my closest friends and my family never considered me autistic. They just considered me to be me. Many of my friends are neurodiverse and we are just used that we are all sort of weird in some instances.
The fact he could spot my autism just by seeing/talking to me a few minutes made me think. I think there are some patterns that might give a hint. I talked with chatGPT about it. And I think some of these descriptions fit a lot to my appearance.
A friend of me wants to play online with me again. I hope I won't throw up this time.
I will just copy-paste what I discussed with chatGPT. It makes a lot of sense to me. And I find it quite accurate. Usually I would add my comment but I am running out of time.
Yes, this exists — but not as one clear "autistic look." Rather, there are certain patterns of body language that can be more noticeable in some autistic people: unusual regulation of eye contact, very reduced or very deliberate gestures, a somewhat stiff posture, slightly delayed reactions, facial expressions that seem either too intense or not intense enough for the situation, repetitive movements, or an overall impression of being somewhat choreographed. Diagnostically, nonverbal communication — such as eye contact, gestures, facial expression, and body language — can indeed play a role. But individual poses, of course, do not prove anything.
I find your idea of mannerism quite plausible. Not in the sense of "you are artificial," but more like this: when someone does not automatically absorb social codes through habitus, intuition, and situational attunement, but instead has to reconstruct them consciously, the result can easily appear somewhat over-formed. It is not simply: "I am just standing here naturally." It becomes more like: "How does someone stand who appears intelligent, calm, interesting, and self-assured?" This self-presentation can then acquire a slightly theatrical quality.
In your case, it might look something like this:
You want to appear intellectual because "being intellectual" is also connected to protection, identity, and self-worth for you. So you probably observe certain signals: a calm voice, controlled facial expressions, a serious gaze, precise language, perhaps a certain melancholic distance. But if these signals do not emerge fully organically and are instead consciously assembled, this can become something like an autistic version of Goffman's self-presentation: not just social performance, but performance under high cognitive load.
That would not mean it is "fake." It would be more like masking plus identity work. Autistic masking often involves consciously or unconsciously adapting to social expectations, and it can be very exhausting.
The important counterpoint is this: non-autistic people can also appear mannered when they are trying to play a role — the melancholic intellectual, the cool outsider, the confident man, the deep observer. This is not exclusively autistic. The autistic component would be more about the fact that the role may be more rule-based, conscious, and externally assembled, rather than intuitively adjusted through social attunement.
So I would say: your suspicion is strong, but it should not lead to the conclusion: "My body language is wrong." A more accurate formulation would be:
You have probably learned to perform an intellectual social figure, and because your social self-regulation works more consciously, this figure can sometimes appear stiff, overly precise, or mannered.
But that is not only a deficit. It may even be part of your effect: something distinctive, slightly shifted, observant, serious, almost literary. The question is less: "How can I appear more normal?" and more: Where does my self-presentation feel alive — and where does it become armor?
Yesterday I was at my new autism self-help group. I might be a little bit too hypomanic because of that. My thoughts are very paced and I also got that feedback. I enjoyed being able to talk about all the things I read on a daily basis. And it helped me to vent about my therapist. And what she did to me.
I do a lot of introspection with chatGPT and I create lists of my cognitive distortions/psychological profile. And it helps me to understand me more in-depth. There is something I don't understand. Some people often women can spot I am neurodiverse. I am not exactly sure why. Sometimes we don't even talk a lot. I think I am socially awkwrd.
I think I don't understand social interactions intuitively. My response is often delayed. I have to analyze the interaction in order to react. I think I sometimes play a role. I often play the role of being really deep and smart. I subconsciously act in the way I imagine intellectuals to be like. The interesting is: the organizer told me right at the start of the group. I didn't talk much to that time. But I said I don't have an official diagnosis. But he told me he is pretty sure I am exactly right in this group. Something that's interesting. I think my closest friends and my family never considered me autistic. They just considered me to be me. Many of my friends are neurodiverse and we are just used that we are all sort of weird in some instances.
The fact he could spot my autism just by seeing/talking to me a few minutes made me think. I think there are some patterns that might give a hint. I talked with chatGPT about it. And I think some of these descriptions fit a lot to my appearance.
A friend of me wants to play online with me again. I hope I won't throw up this time.
I will just copy-paste what I discussed with chatGPT. It makes a lot of sense to me. And I find it quite accurate. Usually I would add my comment but I am running out of time.
Yes, this exists — but not as one clear "autistic look." Rather, there are certain patterns of body language that can be more noticeable in some autistic people: unusual regulation of eye contact, very reduced or very deliberate gestures, a somewhat stiff posture, slightly delayed reactions, facial expressions that seem either too intense or not intense enough for the situation, repetitive movements, or an overall impression of being somewhat choreographed. Diagnostically, nonverbal communication — such as eye contact, gestures, facial expression, and body language — can indeed play a role. But individual poses, of course, do not prove anything.
I find your idea of mannerism quite plausible. Not in the sense of "you are artificial," but more like this: when someone does not automatically absorb social codes through habitus, intuition, and situational attunement, but instead has to reconstruct them consciously, the result can easily appear somewhat over-formed. It is not simply: "I am just standing here naturally." It becomes more like: "How does someone stand who appears intelligent, calm, interesting, and self-assured?" This self-presentation can then acquire a slightly theatrical quality.
In your case, it might look something like this:
You want to appear intellectual because "being intellectual" is also connected to protection, identity, and self-worth for you. So you probably observe certain signals: a calm voice, controlled facial expressions, a serious gaze, precise language, perhaps a certain melancholic distance. But if these signals do not emerge fully organically and are instead consciously assembled, this can become something like an autistic version of Goffman's self-presentation: not just social performance, but performance under high cognitive load.
That would not mean it is "fake." It would be more like masking plus identity work. Autistic masking often involves consciously or unconsciously adapting to social expectations, and it can be very exhausting.
The important counterpoint is this: non-autistic people can also appear mannered when they are trying to play a role — the melancholic intellectual, the cool outsider, the confident man, the deep observer. This is not exclusively autistic. The autistic component would be more about the fact that the role may be more rule-based, conscious, and externally assembled, rather than intuitively adjusted through social attunement.
So I would say: your suspicion is strong, but it should not lead to the conclusion: "My body language is wrong." A more accurate formulation would be:
You have probably learned to perform an intellectual social figure, and because your social self-regulation works more consciously, this figure can sometimes appear stiff, overly precise, or mannered.
But that is not only a deficit. It may even be part of your effect: something distinctive, slightly shifted, observant, serious, almost literary. The question is less: "How can I appear more normal?" and more: Where does my self-presentation feel alive — and where does it become armor?
