Those of you who own SN but haven't taken it yet-- why?

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.




[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

 

[Agon321]

In short: I don't have the mental balls yet.
Death and the afterlife are also something abstract for me, so it's hard for me to force myself to take the last step into the abyss.

And don't apologize for writing a lot on this forum.
I also write relatively a lot and I don't consider it a problem.

 

[Artemisia]

It's not plan A. My desire to ctb has to do with physical health issues, I'm holding on to the hope that some doctor will finally give a damn and help me get my life back. It's easier some days than others. Even if I finally decide to do it, SN is not my first choice, just a back up plan I really hope I won't have to use (not sure if I could go through with it, also very difficult for me to get the accessory drugs).

 

[Nettles]

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.




[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

My reason is that I have to get some stuff in order, throwing things, cleaning, planning. Think I'll be ready this fall or winter.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

My reasons are quite straightforward: giving back to this community means quite a bit more now, I learned about the method a lot and spent months of my time researching it, going through the doubts and the anxiety of if it would even work and reading medical literature on it, as well as real-world examples, I've got all the meds I could possibly want but there's no rush to it, I know there's a good chance I'd ctb if I decided to take SN tomorrow but currently, I don't feel in any kind of mindset to go through with it just yet, still have ctb as an option on the table but it's not one that's imminent. I hear you on your fears, I don't know how those who ctb with it did so after they consumed it but chances are that the rate of survival is significantly low if help isn't sought and even if it is, there's no guarantee they'll be able to diagnose you correctly and provide adequate treatment.

i feel happy reading your message!

In short: I don't have the mental balls yet.
Death and the afterlife are also something abstract for me, so it's hard for me to force myself to take the last step into the abyss.

And don't apologize for writing a lot on this forum.
I also write relatively a lot and I don't consider it a problem.

i always image it's going to be easy
"many people every day do it without even thinking about it this much"

but then when the moment to decide comes for me, i back out
or when i went to look at the railings of the train (not to ctb yet, bc i am scared), i got so scared again

that is the hardest part!

and thank you for understanding me

 

[Kalista]

main reason is because im trying out one last thing in life to see if it'll succeed before my money runs out (which is not very much already after finding out recently). it's high risk, competitive and it's already failing. got some progress but lost all of it soon after as it's dependent on people's interest. there are days when i do it and not have the energy so it might be putting people off as they watch me.

the second reason is i actually do have some fear taking it. i have a 'perfect setting' that i imagine before finally drinking sn.
having all of my clothes and bed sheets cleaned, making sure whatever cash i have left is withdrawn and kept in an envelop to be left for someone along with some electronics, bowels emptied before leaving because it bothers me now to imagine myself expelling bodily things after dying making my room smell worse, and making sure when i get discovered is when my roommate is at work so he won't have to see it.
yeah, im not immune to these thoughts and it's annoying how it bothers me, because it's an extra thing that makes me hesitate leaving unless those 'requirements' are met.

i don't have energy to do a lot of things so it sucks when i plan to leave sooner but not have said things completed.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

It's not plan A. My desire to ctb has to do with physical health issues, I'm holding on to the hope that some doctor will finally give a damn and help me get my life back. It's easier some days than others. Even if I finally decide to do it, SN is not my first choice, just a back up plan I really hope I won't have to use (not sure if I could go through with it, also very difficult for me to get the accessory drugs).

in my own experience,
you will never "get your life back" and no doctor will ever be able to give it back to you
because going back in time is impossible
even if your health situation improves, trauma from this time will last

at least it does for me
and it's one of my reasons to ctb
because i cannot get a time machine

main reason is because im trying out one last thing in life to see if it'll succeed before my money runs out (which is not very much already after finding out recently). it's high risk, competitive and it's already failing. got some progress but lost all of it soon after as it's dependent on people's interest. there are days when i do it and not have the energy so it might be putting people off as they watch me.

the second reason is i actually do have some fear taking it. i have a 'perfect setting' that i imagine before finally drinking sn.
having all of my clothes and bed sheets cleaned, making sure whatever cash i have left is withdrawn and kept in an envelop to be left for someone along with some electronics, bowels emptied before leaving because it bothers me now to imagine myself expelling bodily things after dying making my room smell worse, and making sure when i get discovered is when my roommate is at work so he won't have to see it.
yeah, im not immune to these thoughts and it's annoying how it bothers me, because it's an extra thing that makes me hesitate leaving unless those 'requirements' are met.

i don't have energy to do a lot of things so it sucks when i plan to leave sooner but not have said things completed.

i wish you can achieve everything you want to achieve and more

 

[Artemisia]

in my own experience,
you will never "get your life back" and no doctor will ever be able to give it back to you
because going back in time is impossible
even if your health situation improves, trauma from this time will last

at least it does for me
and it's one of my reasons to ctb
because i cannot get a time machine

Considering what I've been trough, you're most likely right. I'm physically and emotionally so exausted there's very little to no chance by now that I can ever have a normal life again. But these periods of not being too depressed are good for learning (that's how I found this site) and getting things ready slowly. I've ordered my chemicals, studied the methods, it may be weeks, months or years, but it's great having acquired this knowledge and solved what I needed to solve.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Considering what I've been trough, you're most likely right. I'm physically and emotionally so exausted there's very little to no chance by now that I can ever have a normal life again. But these periods of not being too depressed are good for learning (that's how I found this site) and getting things ready slowly. I've ordered my chemicals, studied the methods, it may be weeks, months or years, but it's great having acquired this knowledge and solved what I needed to solve.

i'm in a very similar situation to you
i can never have a normal life (again) either
and it's what i always wanted the most

my biggest dream was to be succsesful at my studies & career, meet someone, get married, become a mom and have a daughter-- so simple, yet now so impossible for me to reach...

since i can never have it, i don't want to live anymore

and i also get ready for ctb-- just my heart is left

 

[Nettles]

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.




[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

Plus, I'll give psychiatry one last chance either with rTMS, Spravato or ECT. I don't have any expectations. If it doesn't work this is my last year on earth, smiling as I wrote that last sentence.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Plus, I'll give psychiatry one last chance either with rTMS, Spravato or ECT. I don't have any expectations. If it doesn't work this is my last year on earth, smiling as I wrote that last sentence.

that sounds good.
it's good to not have expectations, because then you will not get disappointed either.
i wish you the best and I hope the treatment is successful for you
and I hope you can smile a lot more in the future

 

[Rubypie41]

My reasons:

1. Holding onto some kind of false hope that a doctor will be able to fix my torturous and debilitating ear conditions.

2. Awaiting to see if I've been approved for a VAD with Pegasos in Switzerland.

3. Scared it will be a horrendous death or that it might fail.

4. Undecided between SN or DDMA as my primary method if not approved with Pegasos. I think DDMA will be more peaceful but as a DIY method there are no accounts of it. Also the required amount of Morphine is very difficult or impossible to obtain, so I would need to make do with oral liquid Morphine in a much lesser amount, so again the reliability of a DDMA DIY method is unproven.

 

[Nettles]

Aw so kind of you, I hope we all could get the right help, I'm a bit older, in my 50s so been through much medicines and therapy, I understand young people feeling like this, I remember as a young woman seeking help, I was told to get a job, get friends, yeah right,.. This illness depression comes from within, everything can be fine in my life but I still want to die. Being ill since I was 16 y o. I hope if you're younger you try everything there is to get well before you consider ctb. If one doctor is rude or stupid, go to the next one, and then the next one and so on, you're worth itThe meaning of life is to participate I think.

 

[Artemisia]

i'm in a very similar situation to you
i can never have a normal life (again) either
and it's what i always wanted the most

my biggest dream was to be succsesful at my studies & career, meet someone, get married, become a mom and have a daughter-- so simple, yet now so impossible for me to reach...

since i can never have it, i don't want to live anymore

and i also get ready for ctb-- just my heart is left

I lived in a straightjacket until my dear parents died. Awful as it may sound to some, I could only fully breathe once they were gone. Only a few weeks later I damaged my back and it only kept on getting worse. The life I had dreamed about, just be myself without that constant dark cloud, wasn't anything special. Just have my job, take care of myself and the house (but just a bare minimum) , do a bit of gardening, take care of my cats, have dinner with friends occasionally and maybe, once in a long while travel a bit (mostly within the country or close by). But no, I can barely walk and I'm already dependent on friends to drive me around. I have no family and never wanted a family of my own, so I always knew how I'd end. I just never expected it to be at 49!

I suspect you're a lot younger than me and it's particularly horrible how you already feel so broken. All I can offer is my understanding and that I'm in also in an almost desperate situation. It sucks!

 

[Nettles]

My reasons:

1. Holding onto some kind of false hope that a doctor will be able to fix my torturous and debilitating ear conditions.

2. Awaiting to see if I've been approved for a VAD with Pegasos in Switzerland.

3. Scared it will be a horrendous death or that it might fail.

4. Undecided between SN or DDMA as my primary method if not approved with Pegasos. I think DDMA will be more peaceful but as a DIY method there are no accounts of it. Also the required amount of Morphine is very difficult or impossible to obtain, so I would need to make do with oral liquid Morphine in a much lesser amount, so again the reliability of a DDMA DIY method is unproven.

Is Pegasos connected to Exit?

 

[Rubypie41]

Is Pegasos connected to Exit?

I don't think they are directly connected but they work quite closely I believe.

 

[Nettles]

I don't think they are directly connected but they work quite closely I believe.

I must look it up. I wish the best for you

 

[dggtscccvfd]

Holding onto the false promise that doctors will be able to fix my busted nose!

 

[infinitend]

Accumulating courage and waiting for the right (next) day. It's very difficult to make the decision to ingest something that will potentially kill you (what will that be like?) and also the fear of failing, it would be much worse.

 

[IwantHappiness]

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.




[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

because i still need benzos...i need to find a source that doesnt ask for prescription...

 

[Traveller12724]

For me, I am waiting till the end of the year when my depression is at its peak and the trauma and pain from my life consumes me, plus I still have a couple of things to check off my bucket list before my time runs out.

These days I just picture how that last day will go for me like a mental rehearsal, the most important thing that day being that I will mix the SN in a cheerful like it's no big deal manner, like I was making a tea, and I will drink it the same way, simply acting like it's not big deal like I am drinking a cup of tea.

I keep rehearsing that day every night before I fall asleep and every morning after I wake up. I figure that chance favors a prepared mind, hopefully luck will be on my side and everything will work out that day.

 

[Rev346]

My family. Wife and two young kids, dog, and cat. They need me right now and I have been feeling better recently. But I have my bus ticket (still need AE though) just in case.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Me too I have my bus ticket … no other meds but not sure I'll use anything but my bus ticket. I'm still here for my 2 pups. My son CTB and he loved them so much and they kept him afloat for a long time. So I owe it to him to care for them. When they go. I will go.

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.




[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

I was lonely too before I found this place. No worries just write as much as you want. My son CTB and now I'm waiting to do the same. I'm sorry for your pain. I really am.

 

[hdahsa]

Well for me it is my daughter. I am a single parent and there is no one else (I mean there are people but they do not care) to look after her after me.

My initial plan was to take her along - I read in a newspaper report about a guy who ctb'd using SN after feeding it to his young kids and wife - but I hesitate to do so. Rest all conditions are very ripe for me to ctb.

 

[Ash]

Well for me it is my daughter. I am a single parent and there is no one else (I mean there are people but they do not care) to look after her after me.

My initial plan was to take her along - I read in a newspaper report about a guy who ctb'd using SN after feeding it to his young kids and wife - but I hesitate to do so. Rest all conditions are very ripe for me to ctb.

Yeah ... Don't do that. It's fine making that choice for yourself but you don't have the right to make it for anyone else, especially not a child who isn't capable of making that or any kind of rational decision.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Because it isnt my time yet, my body refuses to drink it

 

[Wistful]

Just scared that it might not work.

 

[yellowjester]

Because I don't feel like it. The thought of suicide is enough to make life bearable for me -- for now.

Also a few trivial reasons, like not having cleaned my room in a few months, and not wanting to be remembered as a filthy slob, who would leave it in such a state.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Had to delay my CTB for multiple years for multiple reasons. At first I was so sure I'd use it in 2022 but I had to postpone because my grandpa died and I didn't want my mom to lose her father and her son in the same year. In 2023 I just couldn't find the energy to commence the other end of life preparations I need such as preparing a will and creating multiple suicide notes. Even now I'm still hesitant to start those things simply because I'm lazy although for the past few months up until very recently I thought maybe I was on track to finally being in a relationship and not needing to CTB in the first place but I guess I was wrong. Now I guess my SN will have to wait just a bit longer to be consumed since I'm still too lazy to work on my plans more.

 

[unnamed2]

@dkrw, fear of failure, stupid hope that i can repair my life, my mind.
Years fly by and its pathetic that i dont know how to live. I like when im in work because that absorbs the day and i can feel a little bit less useless.