Discussion Those of you who are sure they'll CTB eventually but have stuck around a while, why?

[The Eeyorish One]

SI is too strong to go through with it. Maybe one day things will get bad enough that it'll outweigh it (i.e. old age, homelessness, etc).

 

[BrailleTogepi]

Usually I don't feel an immediate urge to die. Knowing suicide is an option and having a method available makes living more comfortable when my future is uncertain. Right now, instead of constantly worrying about how I'm going to run out of money to pay rent in a few months, I am reassured by knowing that once my bank account balance gets too low, I can just overdose and not have to face the consequences of eviction / homelessness or moving in with parents / etc.

I might kill myself next month, or maybe things will change and I'll live another 8 years. Or some time in between. Or maybe I'll live even longer!

I'm in the same boat. Having access to ctb allows me to take big gambles that might actually make me not want to die so much, if I end up being lucky enough to score.

 

[peaches]

I relate to so many of these replies. I know that if I had one of the older barbiturates like Seconal, I would not be here.
I am severely emetophobic and I cannot risk nausea, vomiting, or failure.
According to an old copy of Final Exit, barbiturates do not cause severe brain or organ damage, if you fail.
There is also no guarantee that death will ensure an absence of emotional pain.
I have no after death beliefs. It's just an open question and I don't believe anyone knows.
I desperately need an absence of pain.

 

[00nobody00]

I have to stay for my mom and brother. I hate myself and all that I have underachieved so far. The one life I have been given, I have pretty much wasted for the most part and now I am consumed with regret. I wish I had the balls to perform seppuku on myself because I truly feel like I dishonored and disappointed the ones who ever cared for me. My mom and brother love me unconditionally and vice versa. It tears me apart emotionally thinking about how me offing myself would affect them so i'm using them as my purpose to live for now and hopefully it will motivate me to do something with my life. I am still pretty sure I will die by my own hand though. Probably just much later though, but I wish I could just do it now and be done with this. I am not good at life but should have been.

 

[HayBunny23]

Fear of failing and guilt. Lots and lots of guilt!

 

[jessisme]

I am waiting for my son to get back from Japan. Don't want to ask too much for he might suspect.

I've accomplished something, that now hurts. I pushed everyone away one by one. I've succeeded. Just saw a picture with my cousins all celebrating New Years. I'm the only one not there.

My sister (who cut me off after I attempted in April) was there with my nephews. I wasn't expecting it to make me cry.

I have this…but now wondering if I bought the right thing, as I see the word Nitrite vs Nitrate.

Should I buy Nitrite instead? View attachment 103100

Yes you will definitely want Sodium Nitrite,
not Nitrate.

 

[outrider567]

No idea

 

[stermc]

I am sure I am going home by suicide, but I see no reason to rush it. Life is an experience (a completely nonsense one) and I want to go after experiencing lots of things (including suffering). I see it as a scientific experiment.
Death will be the last experience, I suppose. And I am the one to decide when.

 

[BeautifulDoll]

I'm conflicted with my feelings. I don't want my family and boyfriend to be sad so i'm holding on for them. I'm also really scared

 

[sserafim]

Just asking out of curiosity. For me I feel like I absolutely have to finish a story I'm writing before I do it, what about you guys?

Fear of failure and risk of failure. I'd hate to fail and end up with permanent damage. I wish there were a method with 100% guaranteed success, and I wish that I could know if I would be successful or not beforehand. The risk of failing is keeping me alive. I am going to ctb before 25 though. I've never wanted to live past 25. I honestly wanted to ctb ever since I was a teenager but never got around to it. I will make sure to try this time to ensure that I never reach 25. 2 more years to go…I might have to speed it up due to some current events that have worsened my life, but still the risk of failing an attempt is the only thing preventing me from trying.