Discussion Those of you who are sure they'll CTB eventually but have stuck around a while, why?

[lionetta12]

Just asking out of curiosity. For me I feel like I absolutely have to finish a story I'm writing before I do it, what about you guys?

I had to wait to recieve my SN, but by the time it arrived my boyfriend came back and I tried to stay alive and give life another chance due to that, just for it to have been a waste of 6 months and effort, so want to be done with it all this week.

 

[aforestfire]

i'm quite convinced that i need to destroy myself more in order to ctb. death is a exit, and it feels like i don't deserve it yet.

 

[Reallysad]

Getting the balls to do it

 

[Unending]

My current goal is to survive until my mom dies and then try to hold out as long as I can for my dad (If I wait for my dad to die too, I could end up not going for way too long honestly.) I suppose this leaves a lot of room for different possibilities but I can be as sure about it as any other long term plan. Maybe I''ll begin to view life differently or maybe I'll go through something so bad that I ctb before either of my parents are gone. Only time will tell.

 

[DaatiSimi]

It makes me anxious not to know where and how will I be buried. No point on buying a burial plot since someone who does by suicide cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Also anyone who dies at my country gets buried for free.
It makes me anxious not to be able to solve this while still alive.

I don't want to die "alone" and be found by strangers as if I was a homeless no one, but I could ask to be buried at one of the most sacred cemeteries in my tradition. (And still is a 50/50 chance, maybe they won't bury me there and that scares me a lot)
I'm also scared of dying at the community I was living at and get buried G-d knows where. But I would die at a place where I know I am loved and cared for.

 

[vultureilse]

im pretty much just waiting until i have enough money to rent an apartment because i live with my family and while theyre shitty people i dont want to traumatize them (and also i dont have enough time where im home alone anyway)

 

[LeapOfFaith]

Reasons to stay, well... I will be the first one to admit, SI is strong. My life also goes in waves. I have periods in which I am feeling okey. Problem is that I always know that the underlying pain & sadness always triumph eventually. I am afraid of hurting the ones I love by leaving. Therefore I try to stand as much pain as possible for the time being. I think people of this forum can recognize that the pain and hurt we feel we do not wish upon anyone else. I always try my best to keep people in my surrounding happy and free from sorrow. Because I know first hand how it can eat you up from the inside. I do not wish that for my loved ones.. I do not want to trade my suffering for theirs. That is how I am feeling.. I also have a few things I need to finish off here.

 

[Wannagonow]

I keep waiting to find that magical "sure thing" method that's guaranteed to be pain-free and peaceful. Yeah, I know. That probably isn't happening. Time to make a plan and say goodbye. That I'm sure of.

 

[neurotica]

I just checked it out some. Nitrate could be lethal, but you'd have to take a very large dose and you likely wouldn't be able to keep it down long enough to do anything. It does act the same way though and will cause methemoglobinemia in high enough doses. It's definitely not recommended and nowhere near as effective as nitrite.

Thank you. Is 'food grade' ok?

 

[tiredone]

Leaving my kids and partner - the trauma and suffering that would cause. Fear of failure and SI i suppose. Wishing everyday for heart attack or smth, or not waking up, so i would be gone but dont cause so much damage to them. I guess if not for them i would probably already ctb.

 

[releasespieces]

Thank you. Is 'food grade' ok?

Yes, food or lab grade NITRITE is okay.

 

[StringPuppet]

I don't want my death to hurt my mom

 

[Heartbroken2022]

Fear. Family and friends caring (somehow) for me. Not knowing exactly which method is the correct for me (I plan to try and see myself soon). Having still some very very slight hope that things will go better in the coming future (soon I will find out if that is true or not).

CTB is the backup for everything.

 

[avictoria]

That have many reasons, I dont know what are the main reasons:
- my mother, my kids, my dog
- fucking survival instinct
- the healthy me dont want to die but have hope?
- fear the process of dying

I get how that feels. I know my kids would be taken care of if I go through with it. Waking up and getting out of bed is hell now, I feel I have no control of anything, I also understand the survival instinct everytime I start having suicidal thoughts, I feel like it's the only way out of this.

 

[SamTam33]

Procrastination, because that's what I do. I put everything off until the last moment because it takes too much energy to do stuff responsibly.

I've given up on trying to create a will and figuring out what to do with my property. I woke up one day and no longer cared about that.

No longer care about leaving notes and proper goodbyes.

I guess I'm waiting for it all to naturally fall apart, to run out of money and for me to stop caring about everything.

It'll be easier to ctb then. No struggling with SI.

 

[riamu]

i always felt like i'd know when it'd be the correct time to do it - like all the pieces would fall into place and i'd be ready

i actually felt that exact feeling a week ago. i was on the train on my way back to my university accommodation and it hit me out of pretty much nowhere. it was total acceptance, a feeling like i've never experienced before, i think it was me accepting the inevitable. i wasn't without regrets, i felt awful about all the missed opportunities throughout my life and things that i'd never get to do, but there was no fear. i was 100% sure i was going to kill myself that day. i got off the train, waited for another to pull in, but for some reason i just... didn''t jump. i watched it arrive at the station and then went home.

i have no idea why i didn't do it. i'm still not sure if i made the right choice but i guess i saved that train driver from some trauma that he didn't deserve.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

SI, guilt, fear of after death. I am also giving my mother a chance to pay me back $2,000 she owes me so I can get back into an old hobby and see if that distracts me for a bit longer, but I am not exactly looking forward to it (or waking up in general) so I don't think I have much longevity left.

 

[Decided98]

I've hung on while my mom who had a terminal illness and elderly pets were still here, I started this year without them, so all that's left now is to clear my home, sort my will out and ensure my cremation is paid for.

How much are cremations?

 

[pipapo]

was ill and couldn't do it
now in the valorant rabbit hole
but i'm so overdue

 

[Dominicka]

My cat.

 

[time2fly]

I was planning on going recently but decided to try for at least another year. Rekindled relationship with one of my parents and going to stay for them. Lost two grand parents last year so I think my fam has had enough deaths recently.

 

[Blue_mist]

For me it's quite simple, I'm a coward. I don't care about anyone even my mom whom I love so much but i just don't care about anyone.

 

[Shu]

Guilt of hurting family, scared of the unknown, need a place to do it

 

[NoLightRemains]

Usually I don't feel an immediate urge to die. Knowing suicide is an option and having a method available makes living more comfortable when my future is uncertain. Right now, instead of constantly worrying about how I'm going to run out of money to pay rent in a few months, I am reassured by knowing that once my bank account balance gets too low, I can just overdose and not have to face the consequences of eviction / homelessness or moving in with parents / etc.

I might kill myself next month, or maybe things will change and I'll live another 8 years. Or some time in between. Or maybe I'll live even longer!

This is what I think it would take for me to actually CTB. The consequnces of not being able to work catch up with me. My money situation will be changing in around 6 months and once I'm out of money I don't see myself sticking around. I live with my family which I can accept, but once I'm out of money to pay my expenses I think that would give me the push I need to CTB.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I want a painless ctb, and I don't have a way that won't be painful. Otherwise I've been ready to exit for a number of years now.

 

[WH101]

I've had numerous failed attempts, the last I jumped from a bridge into the Thames. I am at the point now where I'm cautious, I don't want another failed attempt and for that cycle of getting sectioned etc to keep being the norm.
I want to do beachy head, I feel like from what I've heard it's 100% reliable, BUT I don't think I'm brave enough, or more so I'm worried I won't be able to overcome my survival instincts and be standing there like a lemon. Kinda hoping something tragic will just happen in my life and I'll be like "f**k it"

 

[Escapee]

It makes me anxious not to know where and how will I be buried. No point on buying a burial plot since someone who does by suicide cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Also anyone who dies at my country gets buried for free.
It makes me anxious not to be able to solve this while still alive.

I don't want to die "alone" and be found by strangers as if I was a homeless no one, but I could ask to be buried at one of the most sacred cemeteries in my tradition. (And still is a 50/50 chance, maybe they won't bury me there and that scares me a lot)
I'm also scared of dying at the community I was living at and get buried G-d knows where. But I would die at a place where I know I am loved and cared for.

you are concerned about your body what about your soul

 

[deathissosad]

I want to pay for my funeral before I go.

I say this all the time too! Just wanna pay for my own death at the very least. Wanted to leave sum for my fam too but idk if ill have the strength. Such a pity it is that money makes the ducking world go round

 

[affinity]

This is what I think it would take for me to actually CTB. The consequnces of not being able to work catch up with me. My money situation will be changing in around 6 months and once I'm out of money I don't see myself sticking around. I live with my family which I can accept, but once I'm out of money to pay my expenses I think that would give me the push I need to CTB.

This is where I'm at right now, or where I'll be come 11 am on Wednesday unless God or some earthly being intervenes in between. I've had a number of close calls over the past 2.5 months where a friend always intervened to help, but I just don't have the heart to ask her again and undoubtedly, she's tired of paying for me.

My choices are to hang myself in the place I'm in, or take my things out to the car and hope hypothermia sets in quickly and I just pass away, peacefully.

I don't know how or why this happened. I have two degrees, including a professional degree. I'm a disabled vet. I've had zero addiction issues, no criminal record and no professional misconduct. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this.

I feel guilty for leaving my mother, especially with the financial mess I've left her with, but the reality is: if I live past Friday, I'll just end up borrowing more $ she can't afford to lend just so I can continue the illusion that a positive change is right around the corner. I've been waiting for that change for the past 2 years.

I also feel guilty for leaving my cats bc there is no one local who can or would take them…that's an issue I'll have to wrestle with in the meantime.

The sad thing is…I still have this small shred of hope where I believe a miracle will happen. To remain on topic: hope is what has kept me here, along with last minute short term reprieves and for those of you who know what I mean, you know how painful it is to get your hopes up and then have it repeatedly snatched away. I'll think, "Okay, there is a chance" and then I'll wait and then it doesn't work out and I'm back to serious ideation and planning.

In any event…

I'm one of those weirdos who believed in law of attraction, law of belief etc etc and for a long period of time…and to be honest, it has worked for me at times in the past. Some of the wildest thoughts have come true, just not in the specific way I've wanted. Some have been dead on.

I guess we will just have to see whether all that visualization/guided meditation and all the others stuff I've done will finally arrive and save me at the 25th hour….if not? I'll be back here…likely live posting to my profile in my car while it's -28 out. At least in my final moments, I can offer live feedback when it comes to one of the lesser discussed methods. Time will tell

(Sorry for hijacking your comment @NoLightRemains I hope things work out. You deserve it)

 

[borderline-feline]

I have borderline personality disorder, and I'm terrified of hurting my favorite person. I promised him that I wouldn't self-harm or ctb, because I was afraid that he would leave me. As a result of that promise, I don't have ownership over my own life. I don't think that a split is likely to happen, especially any time soon, but BPD is unpredictable.