Discussion Those of you who are sure they'll CTB eventually but have stuck around a while, why?

[tenebrousTruant]

Just asking out of curiosity. For me I feel like I absolutely have to finish a story I'm writing before I do it, what about you guys?

 

[LifeCanBeCruel]

I want to pay for my funeral before I go.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

At first I had hope that things might change, but now I stick around due to lack of reliable method/fear of failing.

 

[western_heart]

Usually I don't feel an immediate urge to die. Knowing suicide is an option and having a method available makes living more comfortable when my future is uncertain. Right now, instead of constantly worrying about how I'm going to run out of money to pay rent in a few months, I am reassured by knowing that once my bank account balance gets too low, I can just overdose and not have to face the consequences of eviction / homelessness or moving in with parents / etc.

I might kill myself next month, or maybe things will change and I'll live another 8 years. Or some time in between. Or maybe I'll live even longer!

 

[pained_soul]

I've hung on while my mom who had a terminal illness and elderly pets were still here, I started this year without them, so all that's left now is to clear my home, sort my will out and ensure my cremation is paid for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm waiting for my Dad to go first.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, the reality is that I will have to ctb someday if I don't die by other causes. I refuse to reach something so disturbing and undesirable as old age. Ageing is something absolutely horrific to me and the thought of being here for decades on end is absolutely unbearable to think about, I cannot even bear to think about it. I very much hate the fact that I've managed to prolong this up until this point, I've never wished to endure something so awful and harmful as existing but the only reason as to why I still exist is the limited access to reliable methods and also the fear of failure.

Those who have SN or N are so fortunate and I know that if I had a reliable poison method I would be long gone at this point. But someday I will find a way to finally achieve what I wish for the most even know it's not straightforward. Existence really is so incredibly prison like when we have to suffer so much in finding ways to die, I so hate this pro torture society that does everything to prolong life rather than respecting the individual wish to be gone.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I decided to stay for my girlfriend and to reach the goals that I want to reach before I leave this place.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Making sure I don't pass down my debt to my family, trying to pay off my funeral. Possibly moving in with a friend for a year to get her out of an abusive household(though I might CTB before then, I'm not sure yet).

Making sure I don't pass down my debt to my family, trying to pay off my funeral. Possibly moving in with a friend for a year to get her out of an abusive household(though I might CTB before then, I'm not sure yet).

Part of me also kind of wants to write a chapbook before then, but who knows if that will actually happen.

 

[jessisme]

Fear.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Inertia. Easier to sleep then find some method.

 

[peacetime]

I wouldn't say I'm 100% sure, but I've definitely been on the path to CTB for years now. All signs point to it. I'm also thinking of writing a book first, see how it pans out.
I think if I abandoned my 20s and accepted that my life has been suffering but I can be good from around age 31 forward, I could probably find happiness. But as a 27-year-old who would have to keep struggling HARD to build that potential future, I just don't feel like I have it in me. If I had nembutal I would be gone.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

Overthinking: methods and execution, legacy and property Im leaving behind

Death isnt so simple after all.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Guilt about left-behind family, no access to N, fear of failure.

 

[Drakkamora]

Guilt leaving loved ones behind and the mess im sure ctb would leave, but most of all fear of failing to ctb

 

[StolenLife]

I'm staying until I finish Uni which will take a few years in order to have a plan B if my attempt fails and become independent in order to hopefully avoid hospitalisation in case my attempt fails.

 

[TAW122]

It is a mix of SI, curiosity, and also some temporary improvements to life. In the end, I still wish to CTB, and I honestly do regret not just doing it on a high note. (Pre-pandemic times, mid-pandemic, and/or even before life ended up where it is now).

 

[that_guy2611]

I'm sticking around because i'm scared of failing.

 

[neurotica]

Just asking out of curiosity. For me I feel like I absolutely have to finish a story I'm writing before I do it, what about you guys?

I am waiting for my son to get back from Japan. Don't want to ask too much for he might suspect.

I've accomplished something, that now hurts. I pushed everyone away one by one. I've succeeded. Just saw a picture with my cousins all celebrating New Years. I'm the only one not there.

My sister (who cut me off after I attempted in April) was there with my nephews. I wasn't expecting it to make me cry.

I have this…but now wondering if I bought the right thing, as I see the word Nitrite vs Nitrate.

Should I buy Nitrite instead?

 

[Regen]

That have many reasons, I dont know what are the main reasons:
- my mother, my kids, my dog
- fucking survival instinct
- the healthy me dont want to die but have hope?
- fear the process of dying

 

[releasespieces]

Holding out for a better method than SN. Fear of regret once I'm actually dying.

I am waiting for my son to get back from Japan. Don't want to ask too much for he might suspect.

I've accomplished something, that now hurts. I pushed everyone away one by one. I've succeeded. Just saw a picture with my cousins all celebrating New Years. I'm the only one not there.

My sister (who cut me off after I attempted in April) was there with my nephews. I wasn't expecting it to make me cry.

I have this…but now wondering if I bought the right thing, as I see the word Nitrite vs Nitrate.

Should I buy Nitrite instead? View attachment 103100

Most assuredly buy Sodium Nitrite instead. Nitrate will just make you sick most likely, not recommended.

 

[almostoutofhere]

I am waiting for my son to get back from Japan. Don't want to ask too much for he might suspect.

I've accomplished something, that now hurts. I pushed everyone away one by one. I've succeeded. Just saw a picture with my cousins all celebrating New Years. I'm the only one not there.

My sister (who cut me off after I attempted in April) was there with my nephews. I wasn't expecting it to make me cry.

I have this…but now wondering if I bought the right thing, as I see the word Nitrite vs Nitrate.

Should I buy Nitrite instead? View attachment 103100

You need Nitrite. That one would most likely just make you sick

 

[hunterfla]

I am waiting for my son to get back from Japan. Don't want to ask too much for he might suspect.

I've accomplished something, that now hurts. I pushed everyone away one by one. I've succeeded. Just saw a picture with my cousins all celebrating New Years. I'm the only one not there.

My sister (who cut me off after I attempted in April) was there with my nephews. I wasn't expecting it to make me cry.

I have this…but now wondering if I bought the right thing, as I see the word Nitrite vs Nitrate.

Should I buy Nitrite instead? View attachment 103100

Holding out for a better method than SN. Fear of regret once I'm actually dying.

Most assuredly buy Sodium Nitrite instead. Nitrate will just make you sick most likely, not recommended.

You need Nitrite. That one would most likely just make you sick

Nitrite is recommended but Nitrate might do the trick. The actor Matthew Mindler used Nitrate (according to all reports) and ctb last year.

 

[almostoutofhere]

Nitrite is recommended but Nitrate might do the trick. The actor Matthew Mindler used Nitrate (according to all reports) and ctb last year.

He most likely used nitrite, the reporters don't know the difference so they just put nitrate. Or maybe they do it knowingly, to mislead people.

 

[hunterfla]

He most likely used nitrite, the reporters don't know the difference so they just put nitrate. Or maybe they do it knowingly, to mislead people.

Possibly, but his mother apparently showed the package of Nitrate that was found from his Amazon order. Though she could be in on the consipracy as well. Who knows?!

 

[cowie]

I did not become truly suicidal until October of 2022. I joined here shortly after doing some research. I thought about doing SN as soon as I get it, but I'm glad I did not. I think that would have been too quick a decision. Some good things happened to me at the end of the year that made me feel like I crossed more things off my bucket list. I still plan to go before March. I feel slightly better about my life story than I did in October, but I still plan to CTB.

 

[escaped]

I'm sticking around because I want to give myself more time to heal. If it doesn't get better then it's time for me to go

 

[peacetime]

I'm staying until I finish Uni which will take a few years in order to have a plan B if my attempt fails and become independent in order to hopefully avoid hospitalisation in case my attempt fails.

I think it's good you're going through uni and giving life a chance, but reading this it seems like "excuses" which again, is good.

Possibly, but his mother apparently showed the package of Nitrate that was found from his Amazon order. Though she could be in on the consipracy as well. Who knows?!

I'm no expert but I feel like there's a reason why SN guides here specify nitrite over nitrate. It's not the same, it won't do the "trick". I gave psych ward a chance and I don't know if it was me misspeaking or them, but they changed nitrite to nitrate as well.

 

[releasespieces]

I think it's good you're going through uni and giving life a chance, but reading this it seems like "excuses" which again, is good.

I'm no expert but I feel like there's a reason why SN guides here specify nitrite over nitrate. It's not the same, it won't do the "trick". I gave psych ward a chance and I don't know if it was me misspeaking or them, but they changed nitrite to nitrate as well.

I just checked it out some. Nitrate could be lethal, but you'd have to take a very large dose and you likely wouldn't be able to keep it down long enough to do anything. It does act the same way though and will cause methemoglobinemia in high enough doses. It's definitely not recommended and nowhere near as effective as nitrite.

 

[wait.what]

Guilt and fear. The usual.