I used to frequent this forum a few years ago and then I pro-actively decided to stay away from it, I guess I decided I wanted to live but man this shit isn't easy. The shit I ranted about then are things that are still bothering me now, only now I'm worse off because I literally have nobody. Lived a sheltered life and lack the experience necessary to socialize and be independent because of it, all I wanted to do as a kid was play video games and in retrospect I wish I had got into sports or something. Wish I had played with the other children my age outside instead of wasting my childhood doing fuck all. 19 years old and fuck all to live for, no friends, no loved ones, no skills or hobbies, no career prospects or qualifications, and to top it off I'm a kissless virgin. Scraped a job at McDonalds and got outcasted almost instantly, I went into it hoping I could put a new foot forward. Be confident instead of shy, be sociable, engage in conversations and make friends. Instead I had the piss taken out of me, had a manager talk to me in front of a worker who he was clearly taking the piss with. It's hard to explain but if you've encountered the same thing then you know what I'm on about, they initiate a conversation and make it seem like they're being genuine whilst the others around them turn their backs to snicker. I knew my fate had been sealed at this place when a worker asked me a question, at which another worker replied with "He doesn't talk, why ask him." Great.
Met this chick on Reddit, who privately messaged me asking if things were ok as she had seen my posts on a subforum. This was back in 2019 and just as I had left the forum, I thought, "Well she seems nice, let's befriend her." and so I did. Skip a year or so later and I was basically in love with her. It's the dumbest shit and the thought of it still makes me cringe because I'm aware of how ridiculous it is. What makes it worse is that she's 12 years older me. We would literally never date but the human brain does dumb things and I can't really help it. I've never "pursued" her so to speak, it's always been something I've kept to myself as there are no benefits for either of us in confessing my love for her. Besides, at this point she literally hates me. She's taken a long break and doesn't intend on coming back until next year, which has left me with pretty much nobody to speak to. It's been almost two months now and I'm really starting to feel lonely again. She can't stand me as she says I'm way too negative, I can't really blame her. I've been speaking to her about how shit my life is for the entirety of our friendship and she can't handle it anymore. She used to actively care about me and now she seems indifferent to my predicament. I take it she's given up. I don't think she's coming back next year to be honest, I am half-anticipating it and half-not as I know she doesn't want to come back as she's explicitly told me this. She would insist I was handsome and intelligent to the point that we would have arguments over it. I think she would take this back now but there was a time in which she once said, "You will be a good husband to somebody one day." That means more to me than being attractive or intelligent ever will. Probably the nicest thing I've had said about me.
It's shit when you are suicidal because a person could come into your life when you are most vulnerable and make you enamoured by them. You slowly but surely find yourself being dependant as they are the only source of happiness you have. I get zero notifications on my phone from anything and so waking up or just seeing a notification from her during my day would give me the biggest smile. I would feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach. I don't think she has ever understood her significance to me as I am but a fraction of her pie, she has everything and more and I have a bottle of cider and this fucking forum. She gets good pay, lots of friends, a loving family, a supportive partner... Like fuck, I am jealous. I am a miserable bastard and she's a socially acclimatized, healthy and functioning adult with a very good life and more to come. I am jealous she had a childhood and all the memorable stories that she's recalled. Telling me all of her experiences with drugs, partners, and just life in general. Whilst I have nothing to recall because I've never had a fucking life. I compare myself to her when she was my age and it really puts into perspective how inept and socially retarded I am. It's no wonder why nobody takes me seriously because I am basically a 10 year old in a grown man's body.
A key example would be when somebody's interested in me and I fuck it up, you can see the loss of interest in their eyes and you know it's over. Fucking sucks. Like dude just open your god damn mouth, why can't you do that? Why can't you speak? You fucking idiot.
Anyways I am kind of drunk, trying my hardest to coherently write this without it coming across as random garble. At 16 I knew my life was shit and that I was a failure but couldn't really think of why. After many hours of self-reflection, I finally realized it's the result of an empty childhood and low self-esteem. It's basically a domino effect. If you suck at developing relationships as a child, if you can't play with other children, then you won't have friends. You won't have anybody to play with. At 12 years old the others around you have developed whilst you are the same, and that pattern is what carries on until you're in your twenties and incapable of initiating a basic conversation. I either feel like an out-of-touch old guy or a 10 year old. For lack of a better word I feel like a sperg. It's as if everybody shares this one fundamental thing about them that I just don't have and they know it. They can smell it or some shit.
Nobody's gonna read this lol, it's midnight and I'm just lonely as hell. I have nothing to look forward to and all I can think about is this fucking woman.
My post is being approved or something, I may have posted this in the wrong section I dunno. Can a mod just move the thread into the right one or something.
Met this chick on Reddit, who privately messaged me asking if things were ok as she had seen my posts on a subforum. This was back in 2019 and just as I had left the forum, I thought, "Well she seems nice, let's befriend her." and so I did. Skip a year or so later and I was basically in love with her. It's the dumbest shit and the thought of it still makes me cringe because I'm aware of how ridiculous it is. What makes it worse is that she's 12 years older me. We would literally never date but the human brain does dumb things and I can't really help it. I've never "pursued" her so to speak, it's always been something I've kept to myself as there are no benefits for either of us in confessing my love for her. Besides, at this point she literally hates me. She's taken a long break and doesn't intend on coming back until next year, which has left me with pretty much nobody to speak to. It's been almost two months now and I'm really starting to feel lonely again. She can't stand me as she says I'm way too negative, I can't really blame her. I've been speaking to her about how shit my life is for the entirety of our friendship and she can't handle it anymore. She used to actively care about me and now she seems indifferent to my predicament. I take it she's given up. I don't think she's coming back next year to be honest, I am half-anticipating it and half-not as I know she doesn't want to come back as she's explicitly told me this. She would insist I was handsome and intelligent to the point that we would have arguments over it. I think she would take this back now but there was a time in which she once said, "You will be a good husband to somebody one day." That means more to me than being attractive or intelligent ever will. Probably the nicest thing I've had said about me.
It's shit when you are suicidal because a person could come into your life when you are most vulnerable and make you enamoured by them. You slowly but surely find yourself being dependant as they are the only source of happiness you have. I get zero notifications on my phone from anything and so waking up or just seeing a notification from her during my day would give me the biggest smile. I would feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach. I don't think she has ever understood her significance to me as I am but a fraction of her pie, she has everything and more and I have a bottle of cider and this fucking forum. She gets good pay, lots of friends, a loving family, a supportive partner... Like fuck, I am jealous. I am a miserable bastard and she's a socially acclimatized, healthy and functioning adult with a very good life and more to come. I am jealous she had a childhood and all the memorable stories that she's recalled. Telling me all of her experiences with drugs, partners, and just life in general. Whilst I have nothing to recall because I've never had a fucking life. I compare myself to her when she was my age and it really puts into perspective how inept and socially retarded I am. It's no wonder why nobody takes me seriously because I am basically a 10 year old in a grown man's body.
A key example would be when somebody's interested in me and I fuck it up, you can see the loss of interest in their eyes and you know it's over. Fucking sucks. Like dude just open your god damn mouth, why can't you do that? Why can't you speak? You fucking idiot.
Anyways I am kind of drunk, trying my hardest to coherently write this without it coming across as random garble. At 16 I knew my life was shit and that I was a failure but couldn't really think of why. After many hours of self-reflection, I finally realized it's the result of an empty childhood and low self-esteem. It's basically a domino effect. If you suck at developing relationships as a child, if you can't play with other children, then you won't have friends. You won't have anybody to play with. At 12 years old the others around you have developed whilst you are the same, and that pattern is what carries on until you're in your twenties and incapable of initiating a basic conversation. I either feel like an out-of-touch old guy or a 10 year old. For lack of a better word I feel like a sperg. It's as if everybody shares this one fundamental thing about them that I just don't have and they know it. They can smell it or some shit.
Nobody's gonna read this lol, it's midnight and I'm just lonely as hell. I have nothing to look forward to and all I can think about is this fucking woman.
My post is being approved or something, I may have posted this in the wrong section I dunno. Can a mod just move the thread into the right one or something.
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