Help This is the first time i’ve felt something like guilt or empathy or something. This is absolutely terrible, someone please help me get it to stop.

[NormallyNeurotic]

Thank you once again for answering and for this information! It still leaves me very confused bc I fit every one of the criteria for ASPD and most of the criteria for conduct disorder. Except for the cruelty to animals(animals are one of the things I do care about) and the forced sex(I do not believe in rape or torture). Both of those cover more than half of me but there is another part of me that is the exact opposite. I guess you could say I have a good side and a bad side of me. Mainly I just don't feel most emotions. I have learned to mimic them in order to survive and fit in. But I have always cared about animals and have always kind of looked out for or protected or stood up for the weaker and picked on or made fun of people. Like I said there is something seriously wrong with me. I've spent me whole life trying to figure it out with no luck. Lately it's just been more about curiosity than trying to fix it and be 'normal'. I don't guess it really matters anymore bc I don't plan on living past May 30th. Once again thanks for helping.

I've known multiple people with ASPD, and they were all great with animals. I do think that the whole "hating humans more than animals" thing is just common with trauma survivors in general, though.

Your experience reminds me of some stories I've heard from people who grew up autistic and developed ASPD in adolescence due to trauma, honestly. I'm autistic (I also had some issues with banging my head on walls/with my fist as a kid and still struggle with it), and developed my NPD because of it. Without my autism, I genuinely just think I would have developed your average C-PTSD instead. Because one came from the other, my neurodivergencies are sort of tied together—that being said, I still look at the younger non-narc-very-autistic version of me as almost the "good side" sometimes when I'm struggling. I've even used creative writing to express that.

It's a metaphor that I can't really shake, so that might be what you mean. It's pretty normal to separate traits of yourself post-trauma, especially if certain traits are stigmatized. I grew up being told that narcissists are evil, and even though I never treated others with NPD that way, I internalized it and treated myself that way. When you do that enough, you create such a deep-set blockage between you and that part of yourself that it can look separate.

 

[pax420]

I've known multiple people with ASPD, and they were all great with animals. I do think that the whole "hating humans more than animals" thing is just common with trauma survivors in general, though.

Your experience reminds me of some stories I've heard from people who grew up autistic and developed ASPD in adolescence due to trauma, honestly. I'm autistic (I also had some issues with banging my head on walls/with my fist as a kid and still struggle with it), and developed my NPD because of it. Without my autism, I genuinely just think I would have developed your average C-PTSD instead. Because one came from the other, my neurodivergencies are sort of tied together—that being said, I still look at the younger non-narc-very-autistic version of me as almost the "good side" sometimes when I'm struggling. I've even used creative writing to express that.

It's a metaphor that I can't really shake, so that might be what you mean. It's pretty normal to separate traits of yourself post-trauma, especially if certain traits are stigmatized. I grew up being told that narcissists are evil, and even though I never treated others with NPD that way, I internalized it and treated myself that way. When you do that enough, you create such a deep-set blockage between you and that part of yourself that it can look separate.

Once again I'm really confused, nothing new. I think what I mean by the good me and the bad me is that I'm not always a bad person and I'm not always a good person. Sometimes I see someone in need of help and I will help them, sometimes I will just walk by and ignore them. I will do some good things but maybe it's just an act. Maybe I'm just doing what I think a normal person would do. Most of the time I just don't feel anything and the main emotion I do feel is intense anger. Now that I'm older I can hold it in and not act on it although not because I don't want to, but because I don't want to deal with what happens after, going to jail, cops, etc. etc. I wouldn't have any issues in my head that would bother me, guilt, remorse, sadness, or fear. I think I was in love at one time she died 2 years ago, but I didn't feel anything when it happened. We were together 23 years and had a good time. She was damaged too. On a different level than me but pretty damaged. I guess that's why we worked out good for each other. She was physically mentally emotionally and sexually abused most of her life. I was the first person that was ever good to her. She was the only person who kind of understood me and never pushed me into talking about my emotions or lack of. I think I'm supposed to miss her and be sad she's not here but I really don't. One day she was here next day she was gone. My life went on shitty as always. Thanks for being my 'shrink' if I'm getting to be too much let me know and I'll stop. You are the second person who kind of gets me. I don't mean to be annoying and I hope I'm not. I've learned more in a couple of posts from you than I have in 45+ years of trying to find out what's wrong with me.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Once again I'm really confused, nothing new. I think what I mean by the good me and the bad me is that I'm not always a bad person and I'm not always a good person. Sometimes I see someone in need of help and I will help them, sometimes I will just walk by and ignore them. I will do some good things but maybe it's just an act. Maybe I'm just doing what I think a normal person would do. Most of the time I just don't feel anything and the main emotion I do feel is intense anger. Now that I'm older I can hold it in and not act on it although not because I don't want to, but because I don't want to deal with what happens after, going to jail, cops, etc. etc. I wouldn't have any issues in my head that would bother me, guilt, remorse, sadness, or fear. I think I was in love at one time she died 2 years ago, but I didn't feel anything when it happened. We were together 23 years and had a good time. She was damaged too. On a different level than me but pretty damaged. I guess that's why we worked out good for each other. She was physically mentally emotionally and sexually abused most of her life. I was the first person that was ever good to her. She was the only person who kind of understood me and never pushed me into talking about my emotions or lack of. I think I'm supposed to miss her and be sad she's not here but I really don't. One day she was here next day she was gone. My life went on shitty as always. Thanks for being my 'shrink' if I'm getting to be too much let me know and I'll stop. You are the second person who kind of gets me. I don't mean to be annoying and I hope I'm not. I've learned more in a couple of posts from you than I have in 45+ years of trying to find out what's wrong with me.

We could totally chat more in the conversation feature if you'd like? I think I get what you mean now.