Help This is the first time i’ve felt something like guilt or empathy or something. This is absolutely terrible, someone please help me get it to stop.

[NormallyNeurotic]

Thank you once again for answering and for this information! It still leaves me very confused bc I fit every one of the criteria for ASPD and most of the criteria for conduct disorder. Except for the cruelty to animals(animals are one of the things I do care about) and the forced sex(I do not believe in rape or torture). Both of those cover more than half of me but there is another part of me that is the exact opposite. I guess you could say I have a good side and a bad side of me. Mainly I just don't feel most emotions. I have learned to mimic them in order to survive and fit in. But I have always cared about animals and have always kind of looked out for or protected or stood up for the weaker and picked on or made fun of people. Like I said there is something seriously wrong with me. I've spent me whole life trying to figure it out with no luck. Lately it's just been more about curiosity than trying to fix it and be 'normal'. I don't guess it really matters anymore bc I don't plan on living past May 30th. Once again thanks for helping.

I've known multiple people with ASPD, and they were all great with animals. I do think that the whole "hating humans more than animals" thing is just common with trauma survivors in general, though.

Your experience reminds me of some stories I've heard from people who grew up autistic and developed ASPD in adolescence due to trauma, honestly. I'm autistic (I also had some issues with banging my head on walls/with my fist as a kid and still struggle with it), and developed my NPD because of it. Without my autism, I genuinely just think I would have developed your average C-PTSD instead. Because one came from the other, my neurodivergencies are sort of tied together—that being said, I still look at the younger non-narc-very-autistic version of me as almost the "good side" sometimes when I'm struggling. I've even used creative writing to express that.

It's a metaphor that I can't really shake, so that might be what you mean. It's pretty normal to separate traits of yourself post-trauma, especially if certain traits are stigmatized. I grew up being told that narcissists are evil, and even though I never treated others with NPD that way, I internalized it and treated myself that way. When you do that enough, you create such a deep-set blockage between you and that part of yourself that it can look separate.