I keep on feeling better, but I am never cured. All my unsolvable problems still exist. My mind is constantly trying to convince myself that they can be solved, when I know they can't. I blame my mind doing this on unintelligent outer influences giving me platitudes and claiming they are right and I am wrong. I am smart, and I am smart enough to know that the mind is very sensitive, and it has been messed with by these people.
I desperately need respite. I was pushed beyond capacity. Beyond 100%. Then it was 200%. Then 300%. Now, it is 100,000,000%. This is not a careless exaggeration. My situation really is that ridiculous, to give a simple analogy with numbers. I find it hard to go into to too much detail because I already feel tremendously angry writing this.
I do not want this general pattern to continue. Me, feeling better. Me, continuing to bear the facts that will not leave me, and are the reason for my premature death.
I have a feeling that I do not verbalize in my mind that I will continue to feel better in the coming days. It is too horrific to think about. I understand I can just off myself anyway, but it does not feel right to do so, and that is enough to keep me alive, even though I am at 100,000,000%.
In other words, me feeling better means continuing to feel worse and worse. This is literally what is happening. I can enjoy some things more. Meanwhile, my mood deep down is getting worse beyond imagination.
It is the illusion that if my mind is feeling better, maybe things can change. It is like there are unclimbable walls surrounding me, and I get a book every now and then, food, but what I really want is out. As if, if God is gracious enough to spare a book, then maybe he is gracious enough to send a wrecking ball to these walls. But it doesn't make sense because God may have been nice in some ways, but never regarding those walls. And those walls are the most important factor in my CTB. The only factor.
The facts that I am faced with are as simple as looking at a car and seeing that it is a green. It is a fact that it is green.
But since this is in my mind, people can easily say it is not true. I feel tremendously insulted.
I am tired of lying to myself and saying that the car is red, when it is green. I am tired of lying to myself, and saying the car is metallic green, not truly green, so other people are sort of right. No, it's not even that cut dry. How I feel is the truth. It is blatantly obvious.
I must CTB before things get worse. I am afraid of experiencing the worse, how soul destroying it would be. It should not happen. Things are building up towards it. It is as if in America people are having more and more parties, but overseas there is another country growing more and more violent and creating more bombs. There is something that will happen eventually.
Today was not good. I went outside, and it felt as if a feather could drop on my shoulder, and I would lose composure and land myself in jail.
Life is poetry. I have a great deal of poetry that is unpoetic. It does not contribute to beauty. It is just meaningless suffering. The rest of the poetry is ruined. Life is art. Someone...many someones took a bucket and poured paint all over my art. It is ruined. To keep on painting myself, and to do my best is an ABSOLUTE INSULT.
I fantasize that the good life will be waiting for me post death. Compensation. Beautiful, true, lasting, satisfying, concrete, ineffable, and most importantly, fair compensation. My revenge will be satisfied. I will get a second chance at all the things I want a second chance at. I can place myself in the correct trajectory for a good life. All the girls and women that I loved will be there. I will be powerful. I will get away with murder (figure of speech).
At the same time, I want a new reality. I wonder how this can be satisfied.
I feel so unsteady thinking about these things. I like to be grounded in reality, but that is not possible when reality is not acceptable.
My creative pursuits can continue. My ideas. They are good. You'd be surprised.
For now, I continue to play Tekken 7 and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. I just practice combos all day. I like a particular motorcycle configuration. My favorite characters are Lili Rochefort, Lucky Chloe, Eliza, Nina Williams. I hope Tekken 7 is there for me in my next life. Instead of my neighbor having all the video games, I want to be the one with them. It should be flipped. Compensation.
I desperately need respite. I was pushed beyond capacity. Beyond 100%. Then it was 200%. Then 300%. Now, it is 100,000,000%. This is not a careless exaggeration. My situation really is that ridiculous, to give a simple analogy with numbers. I find it hard to go into to too much detail because I already feel tremendously angry writing this.
I do not want this general pattern to continue. Me, feeling better. Me, continuing to bear the facts that will not leave me, and are the reason for my premature death.
I have a feeling that I do not verbalize in my mind that I will continue to feel better in the coming days. It is too horrific to think about. I understand I can just off myself anyway, but it does not feel right to do so, and that is enough to keep me alive, even though I am at 100,000,000%.
In other words, me feeling better means continuing to feel worse and worse. This is literally what is happening. I can enjoy some things more. Meanwhile, my mood deep down is getting worse beyond imagination.
It is the illusion that if my mind is feeling better, maybe things can change. It is like there are unclimbable walls surrounding me, and I get a book every now and then, food, but what I really want is out. As if, if God is gracious enough to spare a book, then maybe he is gracious enough to send a wrecking ball to these walls. But it doesn't make sense because God may have been nice in some ways, but never regarding those walls. And those walls are the most important factor in my CTB. The only factor.
The facts that I am faced with are as simple as looking at a car and seeing that it is a green. It is a fact that it is green.
But since this is in my mind, people can easily say it is not true. I feel tremendously insulted.
I am tired of lying to myself and saying that the car is red, when it is green. I am tired of lying to myself, and saying the car is metallic green, not truly green, so other people are sort of right. No, it's not even that cut dry. How I feel is the truth. It is blatantly obvious.
I must CTB before things get worse. I am afraid of experiencing the worse, how soul destroying it would be. It should not happen. Things are building up towards it. It is as if in America people are having more and more parties, but overseas there is another country growing more and more violent and creating more bombs. There is something that will happen eventually.
Today was not good. I went outside, and it felt as if a feather could drop on my shoulder, and I would lose composure and land myself in jail.
Life is poetry. I have a great deal of poetry that is unpoetic. It does not contribute to beauty. It is just meaningless suffering. The rest of the poetry is ruined. Life is art. Someone...many someones took a bucket and poured paint all over my art. It is ruined. To keep on painting myself, and to do my best is an ABSOLUTE INSULT.
I fantasize that the good life will be waiting for me post death. Compensation. Beautiful, true, lasting, satisfying, concrete, ineffable, and most importantly, fair compensation. My revenge will be satisfied. I will get a second chance at all the things I want a second chance at. I can place myself in the correct trajectory for a good life. All the girls and women that I loved will be there. I will be powerful. I will get away with murder (figure of speech).
At the same time, I want a new reality. I wonder how this can be satisfied.
I feel so unsteady thinking about these things. I like to be grounded in reality, but that is not possible when reality is not acceptable.
My creative pursuits can continue. My ideas. They are good. You'd be surprised.
For now, I continue to play Tekken 7 and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. I just practice combos all day. I like a particular motorcycle configuration. My favorite characters are Lili Rochefort, Lucky Chloe, Eliza, Nina Williams. I hope Tekken 7 is there for me in my next life. Instead of my neighbor having all the video games, I want to be the one with them. It should be flipped. Compensation.
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