Discussion This is Scary.

[shatteredspine]

Hey guys!
New member here. I'm glad I found you. With suicide being so taboo and obviously a touchy subject for most of my loves ones, I have been going crazy. I need someone who can understand where I'm coming from, who cares to see past their hurt in order to acknowledge mine.
A brief history, I've suffered with mental health issues for as long as I can remember. I attempted for my first time at 10 years old and have had tens of failed attempts since. In 2016 I attempted by jumping 30' and shattered a portion of my spine, all of my ribs, punctured my lungs and kidneys, I was paralyzed and in a coma for almost a month. I was on life support and had several failed attempts to come off of it due to pneumonia and other complications. I luckily learned to walk again but I had a spinal fusion, two 12" rods screwed to my spine.
I had a really hard time in school and after entering the trades, I was happy to have found a good paying career. Unfortunately it was psychosis that brought me to do what I did... With that said, when I managed to get back on my feet, I was gung ho to get back into it. Please don't judge me based solely on this, but I am transgender, female to male. I had just started testosterone before the incident, which probably did have an affect on the psychosis. But, it helped me to gain muscle to be able to walk again. So I got back to work.
Recently my back started really pushing back, I bent one of my rods and apparently I'd degraded the vertebraes around my fusion. Ive spent months in bed with excruciating nerve and back pain, I'm hooked on dr prescribed opiates. My legs are weak, my balance is gone, I'm quickly losing control of other functions. I'm single now and there's no chance I'll ever find someone new because of it.
I feel so stupid. I felt so guilty for what I'd put my family through so I tried so hard to push through the pain. I had caused it myself afterall. It became like a form of punishment, or self harm. I didn't think THIS would happen though.
It REALLY sucks because I was 25 in 2016, I'd dealt with those symptoms my entire life. I started therapy and medications after this all happened. I found coping mechanisms and my medications were working really well. By 2020, I'd say I was in remission.... But, they armed me with coping mechanisms to deal with my irrational emotions. There's no breathing exercise or meditation technique that can make you feel any better about losing an $80k/ year position or coming close to losing the new truck that took me 32 years to buy or losing control of your bladder or your ability to walk correctly... I'm sorry, this is probably TMI but I can't even feel my netherregions so I can't even do that for stress relief.
I am absolutely petrified to have yet another failed attempt and being that I'm a Canadian, I applied for MAID. Our health system is so under funded though and there are only so many doctors that do it. My doctor refused to help me, so he had to refer me to another doctor. You, then have to get that doctors approval, referred to a specialist for their approval, then wait 90 days... Its been since October and I've only just gotten my first approval.
I just found out that the referral could potentially take another 3-6 months alone. I can't do that. I wanted to wait until this month was over so that I don't fuck up my sister's birthday for the rest of her life, but I don't think I can even bare to do that.
I don't want to end up severely injured again so I was considering sedatives of some kind and using my trucks exhaust fumes via a laundry exhaust hose. I think one of the reasons I wanted MAID, outside of the obvious, was not having to be alone. I'd at least have the doctor or nurses there.
I guess what I'm asking is if there's anyone out there in a similar situation to me. I would be interested in meeting someone interested in doing it together. I just want to make sure that person is sure. With my previous situation, there was a lot that led up to that moment that I haven't mentioned. I'd experienced a series of traumas back to back and I wish I'd accessed the therapy and medication before I allowed it to get to that. Before my injury when I was attempting every year, or more, I didn't believe any of it would work. I thought they were full of it. I am not questioning what you've experienced or what brought you to this point or it's validity. Everyone is different, different diagnosises, symptoms, reactions to meds and therapies. It doesn't work for everyone. So I'm not discrediting anyone, I promise. I just want to make sure I'm not helping to snuff out a light that potentially had options. I now see my potential and I'm pissed I messed it all up. I could have done a lot more with my life. I don't have kids and I feel like I've kind of taken on the younger version of myself as if theyre some type of dependent. I feel like I let down my kid. I look back at the dreams I squashed, how excited I was starting my electrical apprenticeship, I was planning to propose to my girlfriend, finally getting it all together. Had I taken my mental health more seriously I could have had it all but I squandered it. The love of my life witnessed me jump and understandably left after I was back on my feet. She deserves so much more than to be in a relationship where she's forced to relive that everyday via my pain, worrying about what I'll do next. I love her too much. I just wish I fixed it before it got that far. I could've been a great boyfriend.
I apologize for the length of this, I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this so I just kind of word vomited. It's obviously a serious issue too. I hope I haven't offended anyone or made anyone feel as if I'm delegitimizing or discrediting their suffering! I'm absolutely not; whether it be physical or emotional suffering, it all fucking hurts and it is all just as valid. If there's no means to end whatever suffering you're experiencing, it's your right to end your suffering. The world is literally burning around us and I don't blame anyone for wanting to leave this place.

With that all said, I genuinely wish everyone peace... In whatever form that takes for you all. For those of you in recovery, I'm happy for you. For those of you that have made another decision, if it brings you peace, I'm happy for you too. I hope you have a good day/night, wherever you are.

 

[restless.dreams]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine the strength that it takes to make it through each day in so much pain. I feel for you and wish you the best <3

 

[shatteredspine]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine the strength that it takes to make it through each day in so much pain. I feel for you and wish you the best <3

Thank you for taking the time to read that novel, I shouldve done chapters lol. I really appreciate that. I hope that you are well

 

[restless.dreams]

As well as can be under the circumstances, thanks <3

I think once you have enough posts on here, you'll be able to post in the Partners Megathread. Might be helpful if you're looking for someone to CTB with.

 

[shatteredspine]

Unfortunately, I don't have enough posts to see your profile so I am really sorry that you're struggling right now. I wish there were some way to make all of our problems disappear. I really hope that your circumstances improve and things get better for you I'm sorry for the experiences you've had that have brought you here

Thank you for your advice! I'm trying to learn to navigate through everything lol but apparently I'm a little technologically delayed... Took me a few days to figure out how to post this lol I have yet to figure out how to reply to some of the other threads.

 

[zeevo]

I wish you the best, the things you said show how strong and resilient you've been despite the circumstances surrounding you. Pain is unfair and I empathize with not wanting to hurt those close to you.
Welcome to the site, I hope you find what your looking for. If you have questions I would like to be useful in any way I could. There are many kind and genuine people here who want to help.

 

[returntothevoid]

Thank you for your story. I saw parts of myself in them. But you truly have suffered through quite a lot. No judgements here, you don't ever need to worry about that here, at least not from me. I think less overall here than out there. We all got here different ways but we all feel the same need to finally escape.

 

[gantaigarashi]

I'll just say this brother, you're fucking strong. I hope you find your peace

 

[shatteredspine]

Thank you so much for your kind and sympathetic responses; it's such a foreign feeling to be met with a sense of understanding from anyone in this regard. Understandably, I suppose.
It is such a relief to finally have found a supportive, unbiased community of folk who have the actual ability to see my pain, physically or emotionally, for what it is; not just how it is going to hurt or affect them. Which I have tried my damnedest to avoid.


Mental illness is a son of a bitch that only those who've felt it from the inside can truly understand. I really want to stress that, I don't want anyone to think I'm undermining their experiences or suffering in the least.

 

[casual_existence]

I started an electrical apprenticeship and then ended up leaving because it was too brutal physically and emotionally so It's incredible that you were able to do it. I still find it useful since not everyone is comfortable with wiring outlets and fans so there's that lol. I also know the money is great once you're finished but for whatever reason everybody was a dick. And carrying heavy shit is not so fun lol. I also couldn't cut pipe straight. No idea why I just couldn't.


It was a fun job tho. So much variation in the environments that I worked in. Since where I worked it was mainly commercial and industrial work we did all kinds of things. That's what I miss the most.


Anyway I wish you luck in your endeavors. imo gas is the easiest method to go.

 

[shatteredspine]

I started an electrical apprenticeship and then ended up leaving because it was too brutal physically and emotionally so It's incredible that you were able to do it. I still find it useful since not everyone is comfortable with wiring outlets and fans so there's that lol. I also know the money is great once you're finished but for whatever reason everybody was a dick. And carrying heavy shit is not so fun lol. I also couldn't cut pipe straight. No idea why I just couldn't.


It was a fun job tho. So much variation in the environments that I worked in. Since where I worked it was mainly commercial and industrial work we did all kinds of things. That's what I miss the most.


Anyway I wish you luck in your endeavors. imo gas is the easiest method to go.

What a coincidence! I was pretty fortunate to have found a relatively good gang, most of them were all immigrants from all over Ireland. LOL so it was pretty fun most of the time. I got my start on industrial rooftop solar installations. I can untangle wire like nobody's business lol I spent a lot of time sorting cable. They make cutting pipe look so easy lol I hate bandsaws so fucking much lmao I used to try to go hide behind an AC unit or something while I did my cuts

Unfortunately, my HR manager got me to resign while I was still messed up on all the medications. I actually moved over to building transformers 3∅, pads and poles. I started machine-winding wire instead of pulling it lol. I definitely miss all the different variations of work I got to do in the field and the freedom of the job. It was a totally different atmosphere.

It sounds peaceful, that's definitely what I'm seeking. I don't want to feel it.

Haha thank you for reminiscing with me! I appreciate your kindness more than you know. I wish you luck in all of your endeavors as well.

 

[the old man]

I'm really glad that you have found the confidence and place where you can feel comfortable enough to be able to openly express how you feel about your personal thoughts,fears and any issues you have without having to worry about the dismissive or judgemental responses of those that don't understand. You certainly have not offended, delitimized or discredited anyone here. I hope the site gives you with the outlet you need and it provides you with what your looking for.