I can't keep suffering like this everyday. Stuck in a room 24/7 with complicated issues that normal people cannot or do not want to understand. My state of being is ruined at 41, and all the horrible misery I endured has been for nothing. So unlucky in so many ways since birth. I'm exhausted from trying to overcome. Everything seems to make me more miserable now. I'm an emotional wreck ready to vent out my whole life story on people that don't deserve that experience, as a cry for help, but it's unproductive.
Everything about me is practically worthless, unless I had the funds to make something work. I think about throwing myself infront of a train or jumping from the top floor of a shopping mall all the time now, but will I have the courage when I can't even get out of bed? And it's such a tragic act to actually perform. N or SN would only make me hellishly sick, (which easily happens to me already with vertigo) and I can't hang myself.
Talking to a therapist isn't going to change my circumstances, and I know it would be a very unpleasant experience for the therapist because of my terrible dental state which I don't have the money to fix. My life experience is filled with so many weird complexities that have to be explained for someone to understand how I ended up this way in life, and no one cares anyway. People say they want someone to talk to, but they also want someone who they can relate to, and I can't relate to anyone really. Normal is so far away from me. I feel so trapped, because I am.
Yes, there is a little bit of faith, but faith seems to have only made my life worse over the last 20 years because of my impaired brain/lack of good judgement. It really hurts to know that my life could have easily not turned out this way. So much unnecessary trauma, injustice, lack of support, bad luck, stupid decisions. I wish I could just get up and CBT without thinking about it like other people. My soul feels like it's in hell. Anyone in my situation would have shot themselves in the head a long time ago. I wish I was never born. If I end up finally making an income after a year or two, my life will still be miserable, and I will still have to live in isolation in a miserable state & condition. It's terrible that 1 person (my mother) was able to ruin my life to her pleasure, and I wasn't able to overcome it. I needed special care , because I was on the autistic spectrum I think, instead I got neglect, abuse, and sabotage, then I lost my mind and got more neglect, abuse and sabatage. I know that the world would be better off without me in this state. This human experience has been awful & psychotic for me. I had no idea that being conceived by 2 psychopaths as an autistic/impaired person would set me up for such a horrible life that I would not be able to turn around. I'm tired of venting, I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of knowing that I am of the very unfortunate few.
Everything about me is practically worthless, unless I had the funds to make something work. I think about throwing myself infront of a train or jumping from the top floor of a shopping mall all the time now, but will I have the courage when I can't even get out of bed? And it's such a tragic act to actually perform. N or SN would only make me hellishly sick, (which easily happens to me already with vertigo) and I can't hang myself.
Talking to a therapist isn't going to change my circumstances, and I know it would be a very unpleasant experience for the therapist because of my terrible dental state which I don't have the money to fix. My life experience is filled with so many weird complexities that have to be explained for someone to understand how I ended up this way in life, and no one cares anyway. People say they want someone to talk to, but they also want someone who they can relate to, and I can't relate to anyone really. Normal is so far away from me. I feel so trapped, because I am.
Yes, there is a little bit of faith, but faith seems to have only made my life worse over the last 20 years because of my impaired brain/lack of good judgement. It really hurts to know that my life could have easily not turned out this way. So much unnecessary trauma, injustice, lack of support, bad luck, stupid decisions. I wish I could just get up and CBT without thinking about it like other people. My soul feels like it's in hell. Anyone in my situation would have shot themselves in the head a long time ago. I wish I was never born. If I end up finally making an income after a year or two, my life will still be miserable, and I will still have to live in isolation in a miserable state & condition. It's terrible that 1 person (my mother) was able to ruin my life to her pleasure, and I wasn't able to overcome it. I needed special care , because I was on the autistic spectrum I think, instead I got neglect, abuse, and sabotage, then I lost my mind and got more neglect, abuse and sabatage. I know that the world would be better off without me in this state. This human experience has been awful & psychotic for me. I had no idea that being conceived by 2 psychopaths as an autistic/impaired person would set me up for such a horrible life that I would not be able to turn around. I'm tired of venting, I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of knowing that I am of the very unfortunate few.
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