Venting this is a rant: im sure but im afraid im faking it

[moya117]

for the start, sorry for the rambles, cus i can't really put it into words but im also sorry if i get too much detailed about it
i always feel like im different, the way i think and the way i act, and no its not a "quirky" thing to be proud about, i genuinely wonder and often feel isolated cus i just feel like no one undertsand me.
i have body image issues cus there's a lot going on with my body, but the one that i have been wondering is my scars, not because its the most hated feature i have but i just can't helps the feeling that maybe its not just allergy but sensory issues. i have issues with the ends of my hair, it just feel to sharp and it keeps poking my neck, i have issues with the fabircs that i wear, but somehow sometimes they dont feel itchy? they somehow feel different even though its the same fabric and no, theres no different like if the other day i wash my clothes with fabric softerner or not, its the same stuff but somehow its different? i dont really feel insecure about my sh scars, maybe shame? yes, but not insecure, the one im insecure about is all theese scars that looks like "mosquito bites" that looks like i dont shower at all and it just makes me feel nasty.
i understand too late if my actions are considered annoying and rude, i try too much to make fool of myself i think, i dont even think i enjoy the attention tbh, am i? i dont know. i just like seeing people laugh or smile cus of my actions even though i sacrifice my own image, its the only way i understand how to socialize even though im good at reading people and copying them (i think im good but not good enough). i try to make myself appear "normal" or im just goes completely silent so people dont get weirded out by me but its just suffocating, it feels like im pretending to be someone else, it feels like im wearing a mask, and it hurts me that maybe the truth that the real me is considered "annoying". my psychologist said that i might just have impulsive behaviour, i think its partly true that i sometimes act without thinking too much about it, but i also think too much before acting if that makes sense. im an overthinker that i even get my stomach upset just for thinking about what should i do tomorrow, i plan things out even though its not that important, like hanging out with some friends i barely know, i always come up with a scenario that might be possible to come true to help me socialize yet its not enough and i ended up not talking that much or talking over people when i dont mean it and feel extremely horrible afterwards.
i also have a hard time understanding phrases unless i heard them before and familiar with them, i have a terrible time learning even though im at the top of the class and my friend that are beneath me understand the teacher completely (im sorry if it sounds rude, im not calling them dumber than me, hell i even feel dumber than them, i just feel confused... like how?).
it stresses me out when i discover that a person who have less english skill than me understand a story that i read when i struggles to understand, i somehow understand the words but not the meaning so what's the point? how?
i search for adhd and autism signs but when my mom discover that, she insisted that im "normal" since i always seem to know and sense other people intentions, i try to explain it to her but i just can't when she said "well i do that too"
im sure im not neurotypical but im not like have an interest on something that really makes me passionate about to be autistic, yes i like trains but thats just it, i dont and wont search about them into detail.
i feel like adhd suit me the most but i dont want people to call me quirky and anything like that and maybe its just that im impulsive? but i dont feel like im "normal" the way i act and how i process things are different than the average people.
i really need a diagnosis cus i need to understand myself, i need reassurance that im not crazy or just overreacting, if i fall under some categories, i might find better ways to cope and understand myself.
i need to tell my psychologist this but im afraid she might think im just some "quirky wannabe individual", how? i need some advice

 

[56842]

If you trust that your psychologist is there to help you, then tell them, tell them everything you listed here. I think you were very clear. I understood that you have input sensory issues, and that you feel the need to be hypervigilent in social situations because you have a hard time following communication and grasping meaning behind it. This is all very understandable, you are not a "wannabe" you are not "weird." You have special circumstances you have tried your best to cope in, and no one understands what you are going through better than you. I know words are hard, I know sometimes the more you talk the crazier you can feel. I suggest writing out what you want to say like you did in this post, and then reading it over with you psychologist to clarify. It's totally normal to feel anxious about being vulnerable with someone. As for your mother, I can't speak for what's in her mind, but I know that sometimes our loved ones do their best to tell us we're normal and that nothing is different about us because they know being different makes life harder, and they hope that things can work out and settle in a way where you can live life comfortable and never question yourself. Work it out as you go so to speak. Who knows what your mom went through herself? A lot of older generations coped this way. Just remember that your mom is human too, and that humans never stop growing up. Hope that helps, and I hope that you feel better! Hugs xx

 

[moya117]

If you trust that your psychologist is there to help you, then tell them, tell them everything you listed here. I think you were very clear. I understood that you have input sensory issues, and that you feel the need to be hypervigilent in social situations because you have a hard time following communication and grasping meaning behind it. This is all very understandable, you are not a "wannabe" you are not "weird." You have special circumstances you have tried your best to cope in, and no one understands what you are going through better than you. I know words are hard, I know sometimes the more you talk the crazier you can feel. I suggest writing out what you want to say like you did in this post, and then reading it over with you psychologist to clarify. It's totally normal to feel anxious about being vulnerable with someone. As for your mother, I can't speak for what's in her mind, but I know that sometimes our loved ones do their best to tell us we're normal and that nothing is different about us because they know being different makes life harder, and they hope that things can work out and settle in a way where you can live life comfortable and never question yourself. Work it out as you go so to speak. Who knows what your mom went through herself? A lot of older generations coped this way. Just remember that your mom is human too, and that humans never stop growing up. Hope that helps, and I hope that you feel better! Hugs xx

thank you for that, i will just hand this post to her like in a paper or something so that she hopefully can understand
and as for my mother, i know that and thank you for speaking about my mother that way, she has been through a lot too and i love her so much <3
thank you for your reply, it means so much to me

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I relate a lot to what you describe. It sucks. Consistently inconsistent. Lack of words. Confusions. Frustration. Nothing adds up. Incompetent yet highly functional. Opposites all over. But not.

I really hope sharing the post/text with your psychologist helps move towards some understanding for you.

 

[moya117]

I relate a lot to what you describe. It sucks. Consistently inconsistent. Lack of words. Confusions. Frustration. Nothing adds up. Incompetent yet highly functional. Opposites all over. But not.

I really hope sharing the post/text with your psychologist helps move towards some understanding for you.

im glad im not alone but at the same time im not, it sucks to be this way and we both already know why without words.
thank you for the reply, i wish you the best in life

 

[사람이 없어]

Definitely sounds a bit like autism reading this post, but your psychologist knows you way better.
As for your mom, keep in mind, if you have autism it wouldn't be unlikely for your mom to have autism as well, so what is 'normal' for her would be autism as well.
Also, if you're a girl, do look up the signs for autism in women as we tend to display autism in a different way than men do, and many older practitioners or people in general aren't taught on how to spot it, hence why many of us get diagnosed extremely late and also get a slew of other diagnosis instead and lots of failed treatments before we eventually find out it is actually autism.