Venting This has actually got to be a fucking joke

[Vision4ry]

you know, I came onto this forum three months ago looking for suicide methods. I found them. I made plans; I mean, shit, they weren't the best, but I'm not the most impulsive guy ever, and I'm a pussy so I didn't want to make it ugly, you know?

Since then—three attempts, three miserable failures. I honestly failed so fucking bad that I just ended up making an account, because clearly I'm not going anywhere like this, so at least I'd like to talk to people and know I'm not by myself in thinking this world is a shitshow. My first I'm not surprised didn't work, because I just took a bunch of OTC painkillers and drank and hoped I'd die. I didn't, obviously, because this is a shit method, but I woke up in a pool of my own vomit and then I got so disgusted that I threw up twice. SN didn't work for me, even though it took me the most time to find; I probably fucked up and diluted too much, or maybe I wasn't desperate enough to die or didn't fast long enough. Partial hanging didn't work, couldn't find the carotid pulse, and I pussied out when I felt that pressure in my face and head. I feel like this is a me problem. I feel like maybe I'm not trying hard enough to die? Call me a weak bitch but I can't stand thinking of going out in a painful way, even if it were effective, because I just think it's unfair to what? To go out miserable and self-aware when I do that 24/7 to my fucking self anyway?

It's fucked. I feel like maybe I'm just giving myself excuses. I feel like "hey, maybe I don't want to die!! I must be giving myself signs!!!" But I do, I've thought about it for years, I've had all the help available to me and I still feel like I'm by myself. I haven't done anything in months. Quit doing any work, started giving my shit away then realized I don't like anyone around me enough for them to deserve my shit. It's not even like my life is particularly bad, but I can't stand to be here. Can't stand to spend my time around all these people who are going to slave away for the next fifty fucking years and be happy about it. Can't stand the absolute ignorance of myself in missing their point, or in thinking that this really is absolutely useless. Can't stand that nobody would get it if I went "hey, do you ever feel like everything you do is futile?" even though it is futile. I can't stand anything, really. Nothing's fun. Nothing's interesting. I'm halfassed to even kill myself because I don't want these fucking people swarming around my corpse like bugs acting like they care. I'm angry all the time but I'm not gonna do anything about it cause I'd rather stay here than be sent back to a ward or put in IOP so I can get constantly badgered by people who don't actually care about me, they just care that a life is saved even if that life is absolutely joyless and miserable and also belongs to a pissy little asshole.

So I'm just chilling, really. How are you?

 

[iloverachel]

Sorry to hear you failed 3 attempts.
I can relate nothing being fun and interesting in life and dreading the thought of slaving away and suffering for decades
I don't think you are a weak bitch our pussy or whatever at all. The thought of killing yourself is actually terrifying if you really think about it
Anyway best wishes for your future attempts if that's what you decide to do I wish you peace

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it's not so difficult for one to die on their own terms, trying to die going wrong sounds so horrible to me, I just despise how there isn't some easily accessible peaceful suicide pill. But anyway best wishes, I understand feeling tired of being stuck in this dreadful, undesirable existence.

 

[Vision4ry]

I really wish it's not so difficult for one to die on their own terms, trying to die going wrong sounds so horrible to me, I just despise how there isn't some easily accessible peaceful suicide pill. But anyway best wishes, I understand feeling tired of being stuck in this dreadful, undesirable existence.

Me too. I wish, in all honesty, that I could just disappear. I don't need anyone finding my corpse or thinking about me, and I don't want to die in pain, I just wish there was some clarity. Best wishes to you as well

 

[LaughingGoat]

You clearly have awareness of what went wrong, choosing 3 methods with low success rates and maybe there is a part of you subconsciously that is holding onto life in some way. I would argue that ctbing with the proper firearms destroys the brain so quickly that you wouldn't even process the pain.

 

[Vision4ry]

You clearly have awareness of what went wrong, choosing 3 methods with low success rates and maybe there is a part of you subconsciously that is holding onto life in some way. I would argue that ctbing with the proper firearms destroys the brain so quickly that you wouldn't even process the pain.

Yeah, I admit my first was impulsive but because I've been constantly monitored and going in and out of wards since diagnosis, I don't have a lot of things I can do. I live in NA so no access to firearms and the like, and SI is something I struggle with the worst. Even drunk and high, I couldn't bring myself to hang. Tied the noose, sat there for 4 hours, couldn't do it. With painless and easier options like OD, I just have this fear of failing to die and being permanently disabled or vegetative, and it keeps me from taking too much. I just wish my body was a little more cooperative with me, you know? Like damn, I don't wanna fuck myself over AND have no surefire way out of a hospital bed later. Lol

You might be right about the subconscious stuff, I've been thinking about it too. I have some shit to sort out with myself first it seems.

 

[Ironborn]

Welcome friend, you're in good company here, don't sweat it, we're all on a journey, all at different stages, so take a breather, rest a while.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Yeah, I admit my first was impulsive but because I've been constantly monitored and going in and out of wards since diagnosis, I don't have a lot of things I can do. I live in NA so no access to firearms and the like, and SI is something I struggle with the worst. Even drunk and high, I couldn't bring myself to hang. Tied the noose, sat there for 4 hours, couldn't do it. With painless and easier options like OD, I just have this fear of failing to die and being permanently disabled or vegetative, and it keeps me from taking too much. I just wish my body was a little more cooperative with me, you know? Like damn, I don't wanna fuck myself over AND have no surefire way out of a hospital bed later. Lol

You might be right about the subconscious stuff, I've been thinking about it too. I have some shit to sort out with myself first it seems.

Definitely understand that. Fully understanding oneself is a long journey so it's not something you have to or can do overnight, I guess from a relative standpoint you have all the time in the world.