Venting this feels weird and stupid to be envious about.

[livingdeaddyke]

I'm aware of this being dumb to be jealous about but I'm very jealous with people who have so many friends.
I feel like this is mostly my fault for not being social, but it feels hard when you feel like you're too weird, to odd, to ugly, to have friends, and it doesn't help that whenever i had an irl friend, some way, somehow, it never lasted, either they broke up the friendships, or i had to move away, and/or lost contact.

I've began thinking to myself, what was the point of making friends, I'm gonna lose them anyway, nothing lasts forever. my happiness doesn't last forever.

I've had a few online friends but i lost a lot of them from something i never did, and i only have little few i frequently talk to. i feel like that incident made me realize i can never truly trust anyone, i cannot make friends anymore. They couldn't wait to get rid of me.

I tried to rebuild my friendships and make new friends but i don't think anyone is really interested with me. and I'm too scared to find out the hard way or find out at all.

I'm tired of being backstabbed, being abandoned when I'm no longer a punching bag for people, being someone so easy to get rid of.

 

[wylcel]

I'm really sorry about that, It's very natural to feel jealous about that sort of thing.
Are you in school or graduated already? Social dynamics can be very different in each case.

'Nothing lasts forever' I really get that feeling, I kind of forced myself to never think about the future to stay sane because if not I'm constantly anxious and scared and worried. I ended up becoming pretty cynical and nihilistic, trying my best to just not care about much or assume that nothing's gonna last so just try to enjoy it while it does. It makes life a whole lot easier acting like it's not real, or just some piece of art. (but it'll probably come back to bite me some day, assuming im still here).