Venting This depression thing really never goes away

[isthisit?]

Pretty sure I asked about a year ago whether depression and the need to ctb ever goes away. I think I was told something like "eh, you will get used to it". I wasnt exactly satisfied with the answer, but I thought that if I get used to it then maybe I wont even notice it at some point.
about a year later and nothing has changed. The thought that maybe I should ctb still comes up every time I fuck something up even if overall my life is okay. Sometimes, I just say that I want to ctb out loud when Im thinking about it. Everything is good and not good at the same time and I dont know what to do to fix it.
This seems permanent to me and I really miss my close friend.
Will probably lose my mind at some point in the next 2 years.

 

[tonicer]

Ever since i caught this curse of depression when i was around 13 years old it never left me. It gets weaker and stronger depending on how good life is but it never goes away. Maybe if i win the lottery and find a nice lady and maybe even have kids with her my depression will fade away, who knows. My ugly ass will never get a lady so suicide is all there is in the future for me. I am now 43 years old and i am just waiting for my parents to pass first because i can't bear the thought of them having to bury their kid.

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

For me, it ebbs and flows. I just try to ride it out and not close myself off from communicating to people when its bad.