voidstar
time heals nothing.
- Jan 7, 2024
- 137
Where do I even start? Do I include my 'life story' for some more context?
I'm at a loss, I might have reached my decission to CTB by the end of this year.
Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, it's mostly venting with some story.
Even when I was still only 6 years old something seemed off with me, my mom - god bless her - wouldn't rest until it was finally found out what my issue was. Well, ADHD. Not such a great surprise since my father also had it. Still made school hell for me, I was relentlessly mobbed, had my schoolbag emptied, nobody ever talked to me, they even hit me.
I even go a bunch of eating disorders thanks to that, started with anoerxia and then bullimia. I'm dragging those still along with almost 30 now, gee thanks.
Finally being done with school should've been grat, right? No more cruel kids and teenagers making your life miserable, right? No.
My first job&trainee position was even worse. Germany has this duel system when you start a trainee job, it's around 3 days a week at your workplace and 2 days a week at business school. Turns out I got PTSD from school back then. It made this whole thing even more hell, pair that with incompetent people who were supposed to take care of us and teach us stuff but hey, how about 10 push/ups for ever minute you're late? Great deal, thanks.
In 2016 I had another breakdown and quit that trainee thing, at the same time my mom got her cancer diagnosis. Well. Things went downhill fast from there.
Everything went okay for a while, chemo was good, it helped, she got better. Then in 2017 after a routine checkup with her blood - well, it's spread over her lungs and intestines. It's palliative care in a hospital now. I spent EVERY day for the next two weeks right in that room with her, I fed her, talked to her, took care of her, cried with her, held her, slept there. And then she just died. The day I went home to get something and my dad was there she died. Parents rather not let their kids see that, right? I've just lost my best friend, my mom, the spark of light in my life.
I promised myself that I'd kill myself then and there, went home and prepared my CTB of choice. And if my partner hadn't found me so quickly I'd be already out. But the shit continues.
The relationship between my father and me was never the best, we struggled a lot together and just couldn't live with each other. No chance in hell. I packed everything that I could carry, broke up with my partner and moved 550km away. And it helped. Didn't talk to my father for 3 years until we tried to reach out again.
And then in 2020 - BANG. Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. 26 back then and already relying on a cane to walk. Incredible daily pain, fatigue , diziness, mis-sensations in all my extremities. It fucking sucks. So much. Add to that endometriosis, some constant nerve pain called trigeminus neuralgia, mix it good with Borderline and ADHD - that's me.
And even all of that was somehow semi-managable. But my partner of 5 years now had struggled with alcohol when he met me, he did quit and hasn't touched anything since but dear god the sex drive and intimity is GONE. And it's driving me insane, besides all the other shit. I can't take it anymore. We talked about it, he wants to get a blood hormone test to check his T levels but... it's been 5 years now. I'm not holding up much hope anymore. But it drives me insane, we had a great sex life before and then just POOF gone.
My sleep is also fucked thanks to some very considerate shitstain living below us who deems it nice to start work before 6am - believe me when I tell you that you FEEL the vibrations on our floor. I have anger issues now thanks to that and a very short fuse. I destroy things because I don't know where to put all this anger anymore. I've screamed at my cats before, I hate it and I don't want to do that.
Then a week long visit to my father and... Jesus Christ. His household is dirty, he can barely do anything on his on anymore, he still smokes like a fucking chimney and... god. Since my mom died these thoughts of death and loss and everything haunt me every day, every fuckin day. I'm going insane. There's so much death and the possibility of death and my hands are basically tied. I can just watch.
I'm... rambling I think. Sorry. But I can't do this anymore , I don't want to do this anymore. It's he same mindnumbing shit ever day; get up, feed the cats, vacuum, cat toilets, clean, some free time I don't know how to spend anymore (my hobbies don't bring me joy anymore) and then bed. Rinse and repeat. I can't.
I'm not who I was anymore and I don't think I'll ever be her again.
Thanks for sparing the time to read this, just letting my word vomit flow freely.
I'm at a loss, I might have reached my decission to CTB by the end of this year.
Feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, it's mostly venting with some story.
Even when I was still only 6 years old something seemed off with me, my mom - god bless her - wouldn't rest until it was finally found out what my issue was. Well, ADHD. Not such a great surprise since my father also had it. Still made school hell for me, I was relentlessly mobbed, had my schoolbag emptied, nobody ever talked to me, they even hit me.
I even go a bunch of eating disorders thanks to that, started with anoerxia and then bullimia. I'm dragging those still along with almost 30 now, gee thanks.
Finally being done with school should've been grat, right? No more cruel kids and teenagers making your life miserable, right? No.
My first job&trainee position was even worse. Germany has this duel system when you start a trainee job, it's around 3 days a week at your workplace and 2 days a week at business school. Turns out I got PTSD from school back then. It made this whole thing even more hell, pair that with incompetent people who were supposed to take care of us and teach us stuff but hey, how about 10 push/ups for ever minute you're late? Great deal, thanks.
In 2016 I had another breakdown and quit that trainee thing, at the same time my mom got her cancer diagnosis. Well. Things went downhill fast from there.
Everything went okay for a while, chemo was good, it helped, she got better. Then in 2017 after a routine checkup with her blood - well, it's spread over her lungs and intestines. It's palliative care in a hospital now. I spent EVERY day for the next two weeks right in that room with her, I fed her, talked to her, took care of her, cried with her, held her, slept there. And then she just died. The day I went home to get something and my dad was there she died. Parents rather not let their kids see that, right? I've just lost my best friend, my mom, the spark of light in my life.
I promised myself that I'd kill myself then and there, went home and prepared my CTB of choice. And if my partner hadn't found me so quickly I'd be already out. But the shit continues.
The relationship between my father and me was never the best, we struggled a lot together and just couldn't live with each other. No chance in hell. I packed everything that I could carry, broke up with my partner and moved 550km away. And it helped. Didn't talk to my father for 3 years until we tried to reach out again.
And then in 2020 - BANG. Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. 26 back then and already relying on a cane to walk. Incredible daily pain, fatigue , diziness, mis-sensations in all my extremities. It fucking sucks. So much. Add to that endometriosis, some constant nerve pain called trigeminus neuralgia, mix it good with Borderline and ADHD - that's me.
And even all of that was somehow semi-managable. But my partner of 5 years now had struggled with alcohol when he met me, he did quit and hasn't touched anything since but dear god the sex drive and intimity is GONE. And it's driving me insane, besides all the other shit. I can't take it anymore. We talked about it, he wants to get a blood hormone test to check his T levels but... it's been 5 years now. I'm not holding up much hope anymore. But it drives me insane, we had a great sex life before and then just POOF gone.
My sleep is also fucked thanks to some very considerate shitstain living below us who deems it nice to start work before 6am - believe me when I tell you that you FEEL the vibrations on our floor. I have anger issues now thanks to that and a very short fuse. I destroy things because I don't know where to put all this anger anymore. I've screamed at my cats before, I hate it and I don't want to do that.
Then a week long visit to my father and... Jesus Christ. His household is dirty, he can barely do anything on his on anymore, he still smokes like a fucking chimney and... god. Since my mom died these thoughts of death and loss and everything haunt me every day, every fuckin day. I'm going insane. There's so much death and the possibility of death and my hands are basically tied. I can just watch.
I'm... rambling I think. Sorry. But I can't do this anymore , I don't want to do this anymore. It's he same mindnumbing shit ever day; get up, feed the cats, vacuum, cat toilets, clean, some free time I don't know how to spend anymore (my hobbies don't bring me joy anymore) and then bed. Rinse and repeat. I can't.
I'm not who I was anymore and I don't think I'll ever be her again.
Thanks for sparing the time to read this, just letting my word vomit flow freely.
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