Cress
Arcanist
- Oct 15, 2023
- 418
Hey guys I'm new here. I get the feeling that you guys are the type of people that I've been looking for. I do have Friends/Family/Social workers/Therapists in my real life That I can talk to about suicidality But I never really get any further than them saying it's logical for someone in my position to objectively think about suicide. What they're referring to is a nerve Condition that's eating away at my body. My eyes teeth face Arms and legs are all tremendously affected by the condition. However past Them acknowledging that it's rational no one is able to exist in the discussion for too long since it's simply too dark and too stressful for them.
Admittedly I've always Dealt with suicidality Even as a young teenager Or before my condition really started to become noticeable and serious. I'm in the maximum amount of treatment available for me for both my mental health and physically health. I see numerous doctors For my condition And some that were even actively doing research on it. I see numerous social workers Trained in mental health and I see a therapist and psychiatrist. I get a infusion treatment every two weeks from my condition I used to have to go into the hospital but now I get it done at home where a nurse will come out and see me of which I'm thankful for. However it still wipes me out Taking eight hours to do the infusion And a tremendous amount of rest the following days after. Unfortunately the infusions haven't helped Very much.
In 2019 I suffered a traumatic nerve injury to my right arm due to overuse and My condition weakening the nerve structure Some of the worst pain that I've ever experienced transpired over the next year following that I had completely lost use of my right arm allowing it to atrophy and had to do a lot of physical therapy to regain some usage of my right arm. I'm happy that I'm not experiencing that ungodly pain but my right arm has never been the same. I can't write anymore with it Nor can I effectively use it to play most video games something I used to really enjoy. I was able to learn to use a track ball To allow me to use a computer. Although I need both of my arms to use it effectively.
My autonomic nerves in my hands are tremendously damaged to the point that I will start taking significant Damage if I'm in an environment hotter than 70 degrees And keeping my hands cool turns into a full time job. My hands Do everything they can to build up heat and the tissue will start to open up and bleed. I sit in my apartment with the air conditioning turned up because it's the only environment where I can sit down and be a normal person for a little while If it's significantly cold. I'm effectively locked in my apartment unable to go outside and have short conversations with people without injury.
I was a paramedic In the past obviously I can't really do that anymore And I've had my fair share of things that I've tried to do to contribute to society.
To be totally honest with you guys I'm really really tired I don't want to have to keep fighting my condition anymore. I want to sleep and finally be able to rest. Everyone in my life treats me like I'm just on a downward swing and it'll get better and I'll be all the stronger for it. I can't say I blame most of them as the only lens that they have to empathize with me is trials that they've experienced in the past Which is usually temporary problems which are transitory. A lot of the times they don't have a good lens for What it's like to deal with a permanent problem that never will get better and causes immense suffering.
I could have avoided a lot of pain if I Passed away earlier in my life. If you gave me a button To immediately remove myself from existence at any point over the past 10 years I would have immediately slammed that button. However CTB Isn't as easy as people make it out to be. I'm merely a passenger in a living Creature that is hardwired to keep on existing And surviving no matter how difficult things get. The sentient part of me, the one that thinks, doesn't wanna do it anymore though.
I write this completely high out of my mind on Painkillers and not having slept through the night. I have no idea if any of it makes sense.
All I know is I'm tired and I don't want to wake up to this reality anymore.
I'm not sure what to expect posting this or if anyone will respond or read it. It's nice to meet anyone who does However
I hope you have a good day
Admittedly I've always Dealt with suicidality Even as a young teenager Or before my condition really started to become noticeable and serious. I'm in the maximum amount of treatment available for me for both my mental health and physically health. I see numerous doctors For my condition And some that were even actively doing research on it. I see numerous social workers Trained in mental health and I see a therapist and psychiatrist. I get a infusion treatment every two weeks from my condition I used to have to go into the hospital but now I get it done at home where a nurse will come out and see me of which I'm thankful for. However it still wipes me out Taking eight hours to do the infusion And a tremendous amount of rest the following days after. Unfortunately the infusions haven't helped Very much.
In 2019 I suffered a traumatic nerve injury to my right arm due to overuse and My condition weakening the nerve structure Some of the worst pain that I've ever experienced transpired over the next year following that I had completely lost use of my right arm allowing it to atrophy and had to do a lot of physical therapy to regain some usage of my right arm. I'm happy that I'm not experiencing that ungodly pain but my right arm has never been the same. I can't write anymore with it Nor can I effectively use it to play most video games something I used to really enjoy. I was able to learn to use a track ball To allow me to use a computer. Although I need both of my arms to use it effectively.
My autonomic nerves in my hands are tremendously damaged to the point that I will start taking significant Damage if I'm in an environment hotter than 70 degrees And keeping my hands cool turns into a full time job. My hands Do everything they can to build up heat and the tissue will start to open up and bleed. I sit in my apartment with the air conditioning turned up because it's the only environment where I can sit down and be a normal person for a little while If it's significantly cold. I'm effectively locked in my apartment unable to go outside and have short conversations with people without injury.
I was a paramedic In the past obviously I can't really do that anymore And I've had my fair share of things that I've tried to do to contribute to society.
To be totally honest with you guys I'm really really tired I don't want to have to keep fighting my condition anymore. I want to sleep and finally be able to rest. Everyone in my life treats me like I'm just on a downward swing and it'll get better and I'll be all the stronger for it. I can't say I blame most of them as the only lens that they have to empathize with me is trials that they've experienced in the past Which is usually temporary problems which are transitory. A lot of the times they don't have a good lens for What it's like to deal with a permanent problem that never will get better and causes immense suffering.
I could have avoided a lot of pain if I Passed away earlier in my life. If you gave me a button To immediately remove myself from existence at any point over the past 10 years I would have immediately slammed that button. However CTB Isn't as easy as people make it out to be. I'm merely a passenger in a living Creature that is hardwired to keep on existing And surviving no matter how difficult things get. The sentient part of me, the one that thinks, doesn't wanna do it anymore though.
I write this completely high out of my mind on Painkillers and not having slept through the night. I have no idea if any of it makes sense.
All I know is I'm tired and I don't want to wake up to this reality anymore.
I'm not sure what to expect posting this or if anyone will respond or read it. It's nice to meet anyone who does However
I hope you have a good day
