Venting Thinking about quitting therapy

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Just came from my second last therapy session this year and told them at the very end that I'm ambivalent regarding continuing therapy. Being ambivalent is nothing new, as I begun this therapy in 2019 and my symptoms only got worse, but I never told them that I thought about quitting it. I did therapies prior, even inpatient ones, and they only made it worse. It's not the therapy or the therapist, it's myself.

It's enough. Being myself is enough.

But it's hard to accept.

Quitting therapy is like accepting that there is only one solution left: death. I don't want to die, but I there's no other option left.
I'm unable to live with dp/dr and a shitload of other problems. I won't try another therapy. It's enough.

I'm a crying mess right now. There was only one legitimate shop left where I probably could bought SN (can't share it due to privacy reasons, sorry) and I just realized they banned my account. I'm not sure about trying the Ukrainian one. I don't want the police knocking on my door or pay a fine.

It's ridiculous.

Idk what to do next, it looks like the only choice I have is ctb via train as they are always accessible and I'm probably too stupid for Nitrogen, but all I want is a peaceful exit, why is this so difficult. I can't stand this hell any longer, I'm sick of living as a zombie in a dream, getting dumber day by day.

It's like I fell apart, there's nothing left except the desire to dissolve into nothingness.

I know that no one can "help" me. I have to help/exit myself somehow.

 

[darksideofthebright]

You are heard, OP, and I'm so sorry that things have been so difficult for you.

At the end of the day, others can just take you so far on your recovery journey, and the final steps to recover have to be taken by you. But if you don't see any other options and if you can't, it's totally understandable that you want to ctb. You've tried your best, and your best is good enough.

Sometimes, it can help just talk to different people with no judgement about your situation to get different insights. It doesn't have to be your therapist, it can be the SS family here, as most of us will always try our best to discuss and support you along the way (especially since we're all on the same boat, and we're free!). Also, therapy can be an exhausting process, emotionally and financially.

In the mean time, we are here for you. Sending you hugs!

 

[WornOutLife]

I wish I could quit therapy too! It's so pointless! However, I'm being forced to attend therapy and take some pills so as to "stabilize" myself.
Of course that doesn't work and I'm worse day by day but hey...these are the consequences of failing at CTB!

Final note: Therapy sucks. As you said, we are the ones who can help ourselves, not a guy/woman who only wants your money.

 

[suicidal257]

I never visit any therapies and use any medicine. Because they don't work for me.

 

[issyishere]

This is a tough one but I feel like since you went to therapy there's still a small but vocal part of you that believes you can get better. I'd stick it out for a few more sessions then re-assess and if you feel the same way then hey you exhausted your options. Regardless I support any decision you make as you are the one living it.