Thinking About Last Year

[KafkaF]

I've made posts like this before, I know. But I can't help myself. These feelings feel trapped inside of me and they need out sometimes...

Today, exactly one year ago to the day, I went to a small violin concert with my previous girlfriend. I remember they played "Greensleeves" and I loved that.

Later that night we went to her favourite Irish bar and I remember she got a bit misty at one point. I was sitting opposite her to eat but I remember moving over to her side of the table instead, sitting next to her and holding her close.

And before that we walked through the city and we went to a little, special bridge where we kissed. She took me there unexpectedly because legend had it that if you kissed on that bridge you'd be together forever.

I remember sitting in her car in the parking lot of the train station afterwards. And I remember us talking about how hard it was for me to go home.

Things have been over for months now but I still miss her so much...

It's funny, there are a lot of times these days where our relationship feels almost like it was a dream. Like she never existed at all. Like we were never together.

But it's on days like this that it really hits me. That it really feels concrete. And that it hurts so much to be without her.

I know that the way she ended things was very shitty. I guess she didn't turn out to be the best person or, I guess, even who she seemed to be. But I still can't shake it. When I have memories like these flood back. I still love her. I still just want to go back to then and I would do almost anything to get that.

The only way I can think to resolve this is to end it, honestly. I can't live with this kind of pain. I just can't.

To be clear, CTB isn't only about this. My life in general is pretty fucked up and hopeless. But that on its own I could just about trudge through. But these feelings just hurt so much they make me WANT to die so the pain will stop.

 

[SadLad]

What happened? Breaking up can hurt. My first heartbreak happened when I was only 17 and it devastated me. Chat to me if you feel like it.

 

[KafkaF]

What happened? Breaking up can hurt. My first heartbreak happened when I was only 17 and it devastated me. Chat to me if you feel like it.

I'd rather not talk about that. And, yeah, this isn't my first break-up. But it has been by far the most painful one ever. And that's saying a lot. And thank you, that's very sweet of you. But it's ok.

 

[SadLad]

I'd rather not talk about that. And, yeah, this isn't my first break-up. But it has been by far the most painful one ever. And that's saying a lot. And thank you, that's very sweet of you. But it's ok.

That's OK. God I know how much it can hurt. I cried for months. Years later I realised she was really nothing special ha.

 

[h.s.p.]

What I say may not make sense to you at all since it's based on my own perspective, but I'll say it anyway.
Years ago, I had kind of an affair with a very special girl. I've never met anyone like her: strong, independent, intelligent, sensitive, funny, loyal.
We had lots of fun but also a deep emotional connection. It lasted 5/6 months and didn't end well, mainly because of me.
After a period of 'grieving', I realized that even the bad moments were worth living, because every single second I was with her has been part of an experience, and what an experience that was. After that realization, every single memory I have of her became pure bliss. I thought about her many times through the years, and I still cherish all the memories I have of her. There's a saying that goes "Don't be sad because it's over, be grateful because it happened". I don't know if this makes sense to you, we're all different after all, but I wish you could one day reach this way of feeling, or at least feel like even if it's long gone, it's not been in vain.