Venting Thinking about family now

[BBY]

I'm just now thinking about the fact that while I'll be dying the rest of my family will be sleeping peacefully in their bed. It seems so strange to me. One room over my brother is getting rest so he can get up for work the next day- in the morning he and my dad will get up, going about their morning routine before leaving. Meanwhile, under the assumption that I succeeded, my cold body will be laying in my bed. My mom will wake up and go about her day, probably opening my bedroom door to let my cat in so he can meow around before going to sleep on my bed, beside me, or chair. He'll probably meow for a bit before realizing I won't reply and just go about what he wanted to do. My mom will most likely let me sleep till 12 before calling my name to wake me up. After a while of calling she'll come to my room, telling me to wake up only to realize that I have passed on. How will she feel? Despair? Fear? Will she be overwhelmed? Will she call my father or just sit down? Will she hold me? Will she love me the way she couldn't while I was breathing? Will she blame herself? How will the rest of my family feel? When will they find out about it? Will she immediately tell everyone else to get support or will she take time? So many questions that I want to know the answer to. The biggest one is if people will blame themselves though.
I think my emotions are currently on a roller-coaster. Despite knowing what ctb entails for me I feel like it's by far more for the people that have to life on. Can I really put that kind of burden on them? Do I have the right to do something like that?

(If anyone read this word vomit thank you. I just needed to put my thoughts into words.)

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I posted about this exact thing yesterday. Passing the burden onto those I care about... besides SI it is one of my biggest hurdles to just hanging myself.

 

[BBY]

I posted about this exact thing yesterday. Passing the burden onto those I care about... besides SI it is one of my biggest hurdles to just hanging myself.

Yes!! I spoke to my cousin(my closest friend) about this and she wrote me a long message talking about how she can't stand the thought not being able to do the stuff we usually do together. The line that broke me was when she wrote that she could do it with other people but she wants to do it with me. I don't wanna leave her but I can't help myself to hold on.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

Yes!! I spoke to my cousin(my closest friend) about this and she wrote me a long message talking about how she can't stand the thought not being able to do the stuff we usually do together. The line that broke me was when she wrote that she could do it with other people but she wants to do it with me. I don't wanna leave her but I can't help myself to hold on.

I get that. My best friend said he would never forgive me or himself if I went through with a suicide... it's stung a little bit ever since.

People say "do it for yourself", etc... but a huge reason I don't CTB is for others. Maybe if I had the strength to hold out for myself easier but at this point I am ready to die by suicide.

 

[BBY]

I get that. My best friend said he would never forgive me or himself if I went through with a suicide... it's stung a little bit ever since.

People say "do it for yourself", etc... but a huge reason I don't CTB is for others. Maybe if I had the strength to hold out for myself easier but at this point I am ready to die by suicide.

I'm just trying to hold onto the "I'll be dead so it won't matter to me" mentality- but it's hardly working.

Giving up on being alive is fair tbh. I really hope you get your peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, we all have to die someday, death is the most normal thing and we are only destined to be forgotten about, people die everyday. But I just wish that nobody chose to procreate in the first place so that nobody would have to die and experience loss, existence is just too cruel but it's true that eventually most of us very likely won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here. And of course all humans have the right to die, it's a personal decision deciding when to take control over our inevitable fate.