Venting Thinking about a friend.

[Anne Alias]

This is just rambling about something that nobody cares about, so pay it no mind. I just want to get this.. out.


You know, I've only ever had one friend at a time. even since I was a little little kid, I've had one good friend and didn't really care about anybody else.

The.. the last friend I had from the longest stretch of time, from the time I was 9 or10 or so up until junior year of HS- well, I can't use real names here, so ill call her N.

One of the few times we actually spent time together, walking to the store. Shed gotten a text from a friend (B) and they were in the area, so N invited B along. When they talked, and.. it was so natural. They were friends, real friends. not the kind of friends I have, not this horrible bullshit, but real friends. I could feel how much easier it went, there were no long pauses or obvious missteps. they laughed and caught up and I just followed behind the two. According to N, they weren't even very good friends- only knew eachother for a month or so at that point. still.. it felt so much closer and human.

It was just so easy for them to forget about me. We were supposed to go to an arcade, but they just played some old game while I stood around and watched them get along so fucking well.

She was my best friend, you know? we never saw eacother- always too busy and in different schools never able to make time for eachother. well, I had plenty of time. I wasn't much of a person back then, no obligations or anything to do.

And all it took for me to be a second priority was some guy I've never seen or heard of before or since.

My only friend, for all those years. I could never make any myself- i was too quiet and "fucking offputting" (quote, multiple people). Its really a blessing she ever took interest in me and my whole deal back then.

I guess it doesn't matter. Its two people, one afternoon, years ago- just something so easily forgettable. kind of petty to even remember it much less get all fucked up about it.

I just don't- this one thing, this one little thing had so much of an effect on me. I guess I wasnt that important to her those last few years after all, i can't get mad about something little. I wouldn't be fair to her. its j- I. I don't know. Its not even that bad, right? making a mountian from a pebble, a sea from a drop, a rambling analogy from what could've been a much shorter sentence, I don't.. fuckin god. what a nightmare. Im just not built to be with people. it's.. its not for me.

What a great life this is.

 

[casual_existence]

Oof this is brutal to read. I'm sorry that you can't make genuine connections. It's never been easy for me to make good friends. My sister is the only one that I can say is my best friend.

 

[ma0]

I feel this way about a lot of people. I'm not a very interesting person, so I never have anything to talk about, and when I'm talking with someone, and they finish what they're saying, it's the most painful awkward silence imaginable.

So it's really no surprise that when someone else is there, there's just a lot more chemistry and connection, and, like you, I often find myself pushed to the backburner.

All this to say that I understand how disheartening it can be, having no sense of emotion can really be detramental to how this world treats you. I'm sorry this happened.