Venting Thinkin about it

[rottingrotten]

Hello everyone. Im new here so excuse me if i do something wrong.
I see no hope for my future. Im a 24 year old virgin. I cannot socialise no matter how hard i try. At this point i cant stand to be around even the people I love. God i don't even know how to write this it just hurts. I was such a mistake and i want to fix the mistake. Im disgusting to look at and i know ppl are repulsed by me i just don't understand why they lie to me about it when i can see it in their face. I have fantasies of smashing my head into the pavement and finally being free but i dont have the strength im just too scared of dying. But there is no chance i will be able to change my life for the better, I've been trying so long doing all the right things but im always gonna be this way. So I should kill my self. I don't know what the point of me posting this is. There's nothing anyone can tell me i think to make any of it better. I just want the pain to stop. Im at work rn and i cant focus cant stand to be around my colleagues and there's nowhere i can be alone. I wish someone would do it for me. I wish i could piss someone off wnough for them to just kill m me. I wanna throw up. Sorry i dont know what else to say.

 

[SVEN]

You'll find many in this community who can empathise with how you feel, we just don't have any words or solutions to offer you to ease your distress. We can't even help ourselves most of the time.
All I can say is that you've found a place where folk get where you're at in your existence. Best wishes.

 

[Worndown]

Not everyone is comfortable around others. It is a thing.
Welcome.

 

[Marine]

Hello everyone. Im new here so excuse me if i do something wrong.
I see no hope for my future. Im a 24 year old virgin. I cannot socialise no matter how hard i try. At this point i cant stand to be around even the people I love. God i don't even know how to write this it just hurts. I was such a mistake and i want to fix the mistake. Im disgusting to look at and i know ppl are repulsed by me i just don't understand why they lie to me about it when i can see it in their face. I have fantasies of smashing my head into the pavement and finally being free but i dont have the strength im just too scared of dying. But there is no chance i will be able to change my life for the better, I've been trying so long doing all the right things but im always gonna be this way. So I should kill my self. I don't know what the point of me posting this is. There's nothing anyone can tell me i think to make any of it better. I just want the pain to stop. Im at work rn and i cant focus cant stand to be around my colleagues and there's nowhere i can be alone. I wish someone would do it for me. I wish i could piss someone off wnough for them to just kill m me. I wanna throw up. Sorry i dont know what else to say.

I understand how you feel. But are you truly sure there is no way to fix how you look if that's the main issue ?

 

[rottingrotten]

The plot shittens! I am in love, to an obsessive extent, with the closest friend i am likely to ever have. I told her this a month ago, and at the time she was ok with it, doesn't reciprocate but was supportive of me and all that. But even tho she rejected me the feelings haven't disappeared, and i told her that yesterday. And for the first time i think I've lost her trust. She was so disappointed with me. And she thinks we ought to have time apart, indefinitely. She didn't come in to work today and i worry it was my fault, even tho there are many other reasons why she wouldn't. I miss her and I hate myself for ruining the only reliable, deep friendship I have. I feel alone. I don't want to hurt her more by reaching out but i miss her, I feel like I need her… i know it's unhealthy. I just don't know what to do. im worried about her also coz she has a history of mental problems worse than mine. All because i had to fall for her. If i could castrate myself emotionally… never caused me anything but pain. I dont want to want anything anymore because i will just stay yearning for the rest of my life and thats not a life i can handle.

I understand how you feel. But are you truly sure there is no way to fix how you look if that's the main issue ?

I have been trying… been going to the gym, eating better, accepting that im going bald and actually trying to work with that instead of denying it. But I never feel better about myself. I still look like a fat balding retard child.
Besides its not just my appearance. I feel like I never learned properly to socialise, to initiate sex, to express attraction, and it is too late for me now. The thought of showing anyone my body makes me wanna throw up, it would feel like i was hurting them or assaulting them. I've been going to therapy for years trying to help myself but i must be doing something wrong coz i don't ever get better

You'll find many in this community who can empathise with how you feel, we just don't have any words or solutions to offer you to ease your distress. We can't even help ourselves most of the time.
All I can say is that you've found a place where folk get where you're at in your existence. Best wishes.

Its nice to know. But it makes me sad too. Why are we all so fuck up that we consider suicide. Whats so wrong with us, or the world? Who made us this way? How do I make them pay?

 

[Forever Sleep]

The plot shittens! I am in love, to an obsessive extent, with the closest friend i am likely to ever have. I told her this a month ago, and at the time she was ok with it, doesn't reciprocate but was supportive of me and all that. But even tho she rejected me the feelings haven't disappeared, and i told her that yesterday. And for the first time i think I've lost her trust. She was so disappointed with me. And she thinks we ought to have time apart, indefinitely. She didn't come in to work today and i worry it was my fault, even tho there are many other reasons why she wouldn't. I miss her and I hate myself for ruining the only reliable, deep friendship I have. I feel alone. I don't want to hurt her more by reaching out but i miss her, I feel like I need her… i know it's unhealthy. I just don't know what to do. im worried about her also coz she has a history of mental problems worse than mine. All because i had to fall for her. If i could castrate myself emotionally… never caused me anything but pain. I dont want to want anything anymore because i will just stay yearning for the rest of my life and thats not a life i can handle.

I have been trying… been going to the gym, eating better, accepting that im going bald and actually trying to work with that instead of denying it. But I never feel better about myself. I still look like a fat balding retard child.
Besides its not just my appearance. I feel like I never learned properly to socialise, to initiate sex, to express attraction, and it is too late for me now. The thought of showing anyone my body makes me wanna throw up, it would feel like i was hurting them or assaulting them. I've been going to therapy for years trying to help myself but i must be doing something wrong coz i don't ever get better

Its nice to know. But it makes me sad too. Why are we all so fuck up that we consider suicide. Whats so wrong with us, or the world? Who made us this way? How do I make them pay?

I'm so sorry for your situation. This may be completely irrelevant, so obviously feel free to ignore it if it doesn't apply to you but, do you feel like your crushes are obsessive? I'm pretty sure I suffer with limerence- obsessive crushes on people. Literally over 13 years of my life were spent hopelessly yearning after people. It helped me to discover the term and the symptoms and I'm far better at controlling it now. Again, it might not be relevant for you but, I thought I'd mention it. There are some really good YouTube videos on it by 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'.

 

[lamargue]

I feel like I never learned properly to socialise, to initiate sex, to express attraction, and it is too late for me now. The thought of showing anyone my body makes me wanna throw up, it would feel like i was hurting them or assaulting them.

man i feel the exact same way. i never learnt how to socialise properly, and have since continued to waste all social opportunities because of this characteristic, in particular formative sexual experiences. it's fucking terrible. sorry that you're going through this

 

[justkatie]

I know how frustrating it is when you despise how you look. It took me decades to finally accept this is how it is and it still upsets me that people will always treat me worse because of how I look over more attractive people.

 

[rottingrotten]

I'm so sorry for your situation. This may be completely irrelevant, so obviously feel free to ignore it if it doesn't apply to you but, do you feel like your crushes are obsessive? I'm pretty sure I suffer with limerence- obsessive crushes on people. Literally over 13 years of my life were spent hopelessly yearning after people. It helped me to discover the term and the symptoms and I'm far better at controlling it now. Again, it might not be relevant for you but, I thought I'd mention it. There are some really good YouTube videos on it by 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'.

Yes they generally are. I get so much worse when i like someone. The Crappy Childhood Fairy seems interesting but idk if its relevant, i dont have trauma im pretty sure. Thank u anyway

man i feel the exact same way. i never learnt how to socialise properly, and have since continued to waste all social opportunities because of this characteristic, in particular formative sexual experiences. it's fucking terrible. sorry that you're going through this

What sucks is that most people just don't understand, will even mock u for this. And the only ppl who do seem to relate are incels, which is not a group i want to be associated with. If im going to be this way forever i dont want to live. But i just can't get rid of the hope that something will change. Or my fear of dying. So idk what ill do
Looked up limerence and i think it applies quite well… the complicated thing is that i was friends with this person for a while before. Close friends even, we lived together for a while when she had nowhere to go. The feeling was there th whole time I suppose, but i think the friendship was real too… did I help her just because of this obsession? thats awful. No wonder she doesn't want to speak to me