GentleJerk
Carrot juice pimp.
- Dec 14, 2021
- 1,372
It's hard enough being in a position where I actually might have to kill myself.
One thing I want to do is minimize the potential impact on my family and loved ones as much as possible. I don't want to die. Really, I don't. There's so much I want to achieve in life and so many reasons why I need to be here. I have a beautiful daughter who is disabled with an acquired brain injury, whom I love more than anything in the world, and I promised I would always be there for her, to love and care for.
But after more than 14 months of enduring horrible pain along with other debilitating and uncontrollable symptoms, my quality of life is now so bad that I have lost the ability to do everything that I love and that is important. After seeing nine different GP's, not receiving any effective help or treatment, and being told repeatedly to simply accept living with these ongoing problems and keep waiting it out, things are not getting any better- in fact, they are getting seriously worse.
Every day is a constant struggle to do the most simple things like keep myself hydrated, eat normally and go to the bathroom. Even trying to lay down in bed is hard because I am constantly so aware of the various pain and dysfunction in my body, and ruminating about my impending demise, that I can't even relax.
When I first spoke to my mother a couple of weeks ago about how I am only able to cope with so much, and due to progressive dramatic loss of quality of life, I am having to now open up the possibility of suicide in the future- my intentions were to help her understand that this was a rational decision, and prepare her as much as possible. My mother is not like most parents who are on a totally different level to their kids, she has always been like a best friend and we usually understand each other.
She seemed to take the news rather well at first, though a few tears rolled down her face as I explained myself. As is her nature, she replied with understanding and even expressed that she wants to be there with me if that time comes, but also reassuring me that everything was going to be ok and things will get better. After a while she didn't want to talk about it anymore which is understandable, but she seemed ok overall.
Yesterday was a particularly rough day, things have started reaching a critical point. Since I now have the means available, I decided to bring up the subject with mum again. I discussed with her that if things continue to get worse I am still very much going to consider ending my life, however I can assure that I've gone out of my way to obtain a substance that will provide the fastest, most peaceful death possible...
...This time, mum did not handle it well at all. She got quite upset and sort of flew off the handle. Saying that I need try and see another different doctor, even though I have seen more than any normal person would without giving up. That I haven't done enough to fix this, when I have altered my diet, spent thousands on supplements medicines and herbal remedies, been hospitalized and pumped with radioactive dyes and CT scans, and for more than a year I've done literally everything I can think of. She even stated that she would kill herself if I did. She was crying, almost hysterical and I felt absolutely awful for having told her these things.
Neither of us have mentioned anything since, and strangely things have been carrying on normally almost as if nothing has happened. I think that mum is not able to cope with the idea that she may lose me, especially due to something like suicide even though it would be a rational and humane way to go, and in reality far better than a cruel medical related death.
I just want to say be careful and really think twice before you decide to open up to people in your life about feeling suicidal. Everybody encourages talking about it, which is more likely to be helpful for those who need to be talked down from irrational suicide- but for those people with rational reasons it's not always going to produce positive results, because unfortunately most people will react badly, likely want to stop you and not accept what you are saying. It can easily change the way people interact and feel about you, and cause a lot of strife. Of course you should make a decision based on your particular circumstances, maybe like me you think the people you want to open up to will be understanding. Just be careful.
One thing I want to do is minimize the potential impact on my family and loved ones as much as possible. I don't want to die. Really, I don't. There's so much I want to achieve in life and so many reasons why I need to be here. I have a beautiful daughter who is disabled with an acquired brain injury, whom I love more than anything in the world, and I promised I would always be there for her, to love and care for.
But after more than 14 months of enduring horrible pain along with other debilitating and uncontrollable symptoms, my quality of life is now so bad that I have lost the ability to do everything that I love and that is important. After seeing nine different GP's, not receiving any effective help or treatment, and being told repeatedly to simply accept living with these ongoing problems and keep waiting it out, things are not getting any better- in fact, they are getting seriously worse.
Every day is a constant struggle to do the most simple things like keep myself hydrated, eat normally and go to the bathroom. Even trying to lay down in bed is hard because I am constantly so aware of the various pain and dysfunction in my body, and ruminating about my impending demise, that I can't even relax.
When I first spoke to my mother a couple of weeks ago about how I am only able to cope with so much, and due to progressive dramatic loss of quality of life, I am having to now open up the possibility of suicide in the future- my intentions were to help her understand that this was a rational decision, and prepare her as much as possible. My mother is not like most parents who are on a totally different level to their kids, she has always been like a best friend and we usually understand each other.
She seemed to take the news rather well at first, though a few tears rolled down her face as I explained myself. As is her nature, she replied with understanding and even expressed that she wants to be there with me if that time comes, but also reassuring me that everything was going to be ok and things will get better. After a while she didn't want to talk about it anymore which is understandable, but she seemed ok overall.
Yesterday was a particularly rough day, things have started reaching a critical point. Since I now have the means available, I decided to bring up the subject with mum again. I discussed with her that if things continue to get worse I am still very much going to consider ending my life, however I can assure that I've gone out of my way to obtain a substance that will provide the fastest, most peaceful death possible...
...This time, mum did not handle it well at all. She got quite upset and sort of flew off the handle. Saying that I need try and see another different doctor, even though I have seen more than any normal person would without giving up. That I haven't done enough to fix this, when I have altered my diet, spent thousands on supplements medicines and herbal remedies, been hospitalized and pumped with radioactive dyes and CT scans, and for more than a year I've done literally everything I can think of. She even stated that she would kill herself if I did. She was crying, almost hysterical and I felt absolutely awful for having told her these things.
Neither of us have mentioned anything since, and strangely things have been carrying on normally almost as if nothing has happened. I think that mum is not able to cope with the idea that she may lose me, especially due to something like suicide even though it would be a rational and humane way to go, and in reality far better than a cruel medical related death.
I just want to say be careful and really think twice before you decide to open up to people in your life about feeling suicidal. Everybody encourages talking about it, which is more likely to be helpful for those who need to be talked down from irrational suicide- but for those people with rational reasons it's not always going to produce positive results, because unfortunately most people will react badly, likely want to stop you and not accept what you are saying. It can easily change the way people interact and feel about you, and cause a lot of strife. Of course you should make a decision based on your particular circumstances, maybe like me you think the people you want to open up to will be understanding. Just be careful.
Last edited:
and while I don't think we will see this in our lifetimes, it is possible that the capitalist extremes are bearing down right now because it may be dying and fighting for its life. I hold out hope for this.
