Think I'm actually going to do it tomorrow.

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

It still feels unreal. I can't fully convince myself this is my last day on earth, and my brain picks random intervals to suddenly turn my SI up to 11 and send me into a sweaty panic, but I actually think I'm going to do it. My lizard brain can't come up with any more excuses. My note's done. My apartment's clean. If I wait another day or two people are going to start getting suspicious. I'm out of reasons to postpone again. I really think this is it.

I'm still resisting the urge to just say fuck it, curl up with my cat and forget this whole thing, but that's what I did a week ago and I regret it. I really wanted to do it a good distance from Christmas to not ruin the holidays for everyone, but I threw in the towel last minute, and I'm intent on not doing that again. I know you're supposed to wait until you "know you're ready" or whatever, but I can't just let fear and apathy prolong things for the worse. I don't think I'm ever going to be 100% at peace at death, and at some point, I just need to grin and bear it until the finish line.

I guess one good thing about putting it off last time is my last day should be pretty free. I still have to burn some journals and put my note in the mail, but otherwise I can take my time in how I spend it. I wish I could've spent it with my best friends, but they're all over the country right now, and I don't think I could've pulled off a spontaneous road trip without giving away my intentions, so my cat will have to suffice. I might do something special for my last meal, or maybe just go out into the forest and make ramen noodles among the trees. I'm trying not to sweat it too much. There's no such thing as a perfect last day alive, and honestly if I just stay in bed rewatching Community all day, then that's as good a last day as any.

Anyways, I don't know who cares but I'll update tomorrow. Putting my note in the mail is kind of the point of no return, and I think right now doing that is way more terrifying than my actual death. I don't think a 700-word suicide note and like 3k dollars is something I can easily talk my way out of, so the second I do it, I'm kind of locked in. I'm scared I'm going to have a sudden, end-of-life revelation afterwards and it'll be too late, but hopefully it'll just be a relief to be over the hump. Either way, I appreciate you guys for reading. I hope you're all doing well.

 

[Its like that]

I hope you find peace in whatever you choose!

 

[Ta555]

It still feels unreal. I can't fully convince myself this is my last day on earth, and my brain picks random intervals to suddenly turn my SI up to 11 and send me into a sweaty panic, but I actually think I'm going to do it. My lizard brain can't come up with any more excuses. My note's done. My apartment's clean. If I wait another day or two people are going to start getting suspicious. I'm out of reasons to postpone again. I really think this is it.

I'm still resisting the urge to just say fuck it, curl up with my cat and forget this whole thing, but that's what I did a week ago and I regret it. I really wanted to do it a good distance from Christmas to not ruin the holidays for everyone, but I threw in the towel last minute, and I'm intent on not doing that again. I know you're supposed to wait until you "know you're ready" or whatever, but I can't just let fear and apathy prolong things for the worse. I don't think I'm ever going to be 100% at peace at death, and at some point, I just need to grin and bear it until the finish line.

I guess one good thing about putting it off last time is my last day should be pretty free. I still have to burn some journals and put my note in the mail, but otherwise I can take my time in how I spend it. I wish I could've spent it with my best friends, but they're all over the country right now, and I don't think I could've pulled off a spontaneous road trip without giving away my intentions, so my cat will have to suffice. I might do something special for my last meal, or maybe just go out into the forest and make ramen noodles among the trees. I'm trying not to sweat it too much. There's no such thing as a perfect last day alive, and honestly if I just stay in bed rewatching Community all day, then that's as good a last day as any.

Anyways, I don't know who cares but I'll update tomorrow. Putting my note in the mail is kind of the point of no return, and I think right now doing that is way more terrifying than my actual death. I don't think a 700-word suicide note and like 3k dollars is something I can easily talk my way out of, so the second I do it, I'm kind of locked in. I'm scared I'm going to have a sudden, end-of-life revelation afterwards and it'll be too late, but hopefully it'll just be a relief to be over the hump. Either way, I appreciate you guys for reading. I hope you're all doing well.

What method have you chosen? I hope you find peace whatever path you choose to take. No shame in changing your mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

Jesus. Been a long week.

It's a long story, but I got institutionalized. The last two days have almost definitively been the worst of my life. I was just getting some coffee, when suddenly four cop cars swarmed the place and put me in cuffs in the middle of the cafe. I was smart enough to lie my way out early, but I can't believe that's how the most vulnerable people in society are treated. Just arrested and then thrown into a room to claw each other's eyes out. It was $300 dollars just to get my car from the towing company, and I've yet to see how much insurance will cover for my "treatment".

I guess if I have to find the silver lining, I feel a lot less conflicted about CTB. I've written about it before, but I couldn't help but sometimes feel the urge to just call somebody and tell them everything, or call 911 on myself. Now I'm afraid of writing something down in case someone finds it. As much as all this sucks, I think I needed one last reminder of the extent of human cruelty to truly go out without regrets.

I fantasized about just doing it the second I got out of there, but I can't help but feel rude ruining everyone's Christmas like that. Plus everyone's looking at me weird, and I'm afraid if I'm suddenly missing for too long, I'll find myself in cuffs again. Everything's still ready to go, so the first chance I get after the 25th, I'm just going for it, hell or highwater. No room for mistakes this time.

Thanks to everyone who wished me luck, I hope ya'll are doing better than I am.

What method have you chosen? I hope you find peace whatever path you choose to take. No shame in changing your mind.

Partial suspension off a doorknob. Funny enough, doorknobs actually seem more consistent than higher ligature points because of how much unconsciously standing seems to be a problem with partial attempts. I'm still planning to tie a belt around my knees to reduce the likelihood even further.

 

[timelag]

I believe there's no perfect last day, it's just another day. I'm happy you settled all your stuff, i would do "something" just before but it's not me. It's your life and you are free to picture it with your own color. It's up to you and i'm glad to heard about your story.

i wish you luck