trying ungracefully
Experienced
- Jun 11, 2025
- 226
Things like that never last it seems and it goes back to soul crushing sadness. I am so tired of so many things. Today was the first time I cut in awhile and it seems so stupid but this stuff is really messing with me.
Shit with my boyfriend keeps happening. Right now he is being petty and not coming over even though I am relying on him to get my mom a gift because I was pressuring him to come over while he was getting ready. I'm done with the petty shit though, if he can't come by a certain time I am having my dad take me. I already asked but I am giving my boyfriend a chance because I want to start trusting that I can rely on him. I feel like he is going to be petty and not come by the time I have set though.
I am so tired of the drama and I know I have the power to end it but I love him a lot and have been with him for 5 years so I want this to work. But he said that he doesn't see a future with me right now with the way things are going so who knows if it is even going to work in the long run.
Then today my brother has prom. This is the thing effecting me the most. I didn't go to prom or go to graduation because of my issues really peaking in high school. I could barely get out of bed and only went to school when I could and had to go online to be able to finish. I also didn't have a boyfriend I could take (my boyfriend was 19-20 at the time) and my only friend had a boyfriend so I didn't want to be a third wheel.
I thought I wouldn't care about prom and I haven't felt like I missed anything since now but seeing him go makes me so sad for myself. I wish I was normal and had normal experiences growing up like going to prom and having that once in a lifetime event. I wish I went with a group of friends and could wear a pretty dress for once, I never dress up I feel to ugly to but that would give me an excuse to be pretty for a day. I feel like I would have fun too if I was okay, I could dance at the prom with my boyfriend and then have an after party where we really have fun. But I missed out because of my mental health issues. It would be different if it was an actually choice, I remember just not wanting to care or think about what I was missing. I didn't see what I was missing until now.
Then I ended up cutting because I just want life to be normal and to feel normal. I'm so tired of things in my control and out of my control and it is just making me want to die to end the emotional shit. I wouldn't do it because I still have things in my control that can make life better if I try, it just is terrible right now experiencing it daily.
I'm honestly taking Ativan a decent amount and I can't tell if it is an addiction forming. I get prescribed 15 0.5mg-1mg pills and I have a few left over when my monthly visit comes a long. I take it for anxiety but I also take it sometimes when I am sad. It can either help me fall asleep or tire me out enough where I am not overwhelmed by emotion anymore. The emotions are still there they just aren't taking over. I don't want to ask my psychiatrist about this honestly because I don't want to stop getting the pills which may be a warning sign but I am afraid of going back to my anxiety without this medication. Like I took the pill a little before a cut and now that I am writing this and it has kicked in I am feeling a lot calmer and like I can go back to crocheting or watching shows.
I'm going to try and remember the good things I experienced recently like a few weeks ago going to California and going to the beach. It isn't going to solve anything but it will keep me from the suicidal thoughts by remembering that there are still good things I have done and can do in life.
Shit with my boyfriend keeps happening. Right now he is being petty and not coming over even though I am relying on him to get my mom a gift because I was pressuring him to come over while he was getting ready. I'm done with the petty shit though, if he can't come by a certain time I am having my dad take me. I already asked but I am giving my boyfriend a chance because I want to start trusting that I can rely on him. I feel like he is going to be petty and not come by the time I have set though.
I am so tired of the drama and I know I have the power to end it but I love him a lot and have been with him for 5 years so I want this to work. But he said that he doesn't see a future with me right now with the way things are going so who knows if it is even going to work in the long run.
Then today my brother has prom. This is the thing effecting me the most. I didn't go to prom or go to graduation because of my issues really peaking in high school. I could barely get out of bed and only went to school when I could and had to go online to be able to finish. I also didn't have a boyfriend I could take (my boyfriend was 19-20 at the time) and my only friend had a boyfriend so I didn't want to be a third wheel.
I thought I wouldn't care about prom and I haven't felt like I missed anything since now but seeing him go makes me so sad for myself. I wish I was normal and had normal experiences growing up like going to prom and having that once in a lifetime event. I wish I went with a group of friends and could wear a pretty dress for once, I never dress up I feel to ugly to but that would give me an excuse to be pretty for a day. I feel like I would have fun too if I was okay, I could dance at the prom with my boyfriend and then have an after party where we really have fun. But I missed out because of my mental health issues. It would be different if it was an actually choice, I remember just not wanting to care or think about what I was missing. I didn't see what I was missing until now.
Then I ended up cutting because I just want life to be normal and to feel normal. I'm so tired of things in my control and out of my control and it is just making me want to die to end the emotional shit. I wouldn't do it because I still have things in my control that can make life better if I try, it just is terrible right now experiencing it daily.
I'm honestly taking Ativan a decent amount and I can't tell if it is an addiction forming. I get prescribed 15 0.5mg-1mg pills and I have a few left over when my monthly visit comes a long. I take it for anxiety but I also take it sometimes when I am sad. It can either help me fall asleep or tire me out enough where I am not overwhelmed by emotion anymore. The emotions are still there they just aren't taking over. I don't want to ask my psychiatrist about this honestly because I don't want to stop getting the pills which may be a warning sign but I am afraid of going back to my anxiety without this medication. Like I took the pill a little before a cut and now that I am writing this and it has kicked in I am feeling a lot calmer and like I can go back to crocheting or watching shows.
I'm going to try and remember the good things I experienced recently like a few weeks ago going to California and going to the beach. It isn't going to solve anything but it will keep me from the suicidal thoughts by remembering that there are still good things I have done and can do in life.
