Once upon a time, I thought our family cat dying was going to be the trigger. He was the only friend I ever had and, at the time, I couldn't imagine life without him. Unfortunately for both me & him, he died almost two years ago and I'm still fucking here. I guess he must not have been as important to me as I thought, at least not enough to finally commit suicide due to his absence. Then again, I suppose it was kinda unfair of me to pin that expectation on him in the first place. Hell, what's even worse is that, honestly, I don't even miss him. How messed up is that?
Anyway, as far as the future is concerned, I just don't know. My parents (especially my mother) dying would completely turn my world upside down both in a very literal & emotional way. I could probably get by without my father (since he and I, while somewhat close, don't really interact much), but my mother......no way man. She's the only one who's ever come close to really understanding me. A rare gift in and of itself, especially for a hermit. Not only that, but she's also the only thing protecting me from the rest of the world. The amount of times she's gone to bat for me number more than I'd care to admit. Like a soldier getting repeatedly mowed down by relentless machine gun fire while I look on meekly from the sidelines only for them to get up and have it happen again. Now don't get me wrong it's not like my father, or anyone else for that matter, wants to toss me out on to the street. In fact, I very much doubt my father would ever do such a thing even if my mother were gone. It's just that having her put down a defensive shield in front me against what wicked forces may come is very comforting and without it I'd, more or less, be a naked, shivering wreck in the muck of a WWI style no man's land. But maybe it'll just be like our cat all over again. Wouldn't surprise me, frankly. Although, at the same time, & not to disparage his own past importance, but something tells me that my mother's eventual departure is going to have way more of an impact than the one our cat did. When considering the myriad of ways she keeps my hikikomori ways afloat, while also acting as the occasional release valve for my pent-up feelings, it's hard for me to imagine somehow "getting by" once it's all gone. Again however, it's hard to say. Blegh, thinking about the kinds of realities I'm likely faced with really wears me the fuck out.
