Things can only get worse

[FuneralCry]

I am writing about the same thing again, of course there is no point to doing this, it is just a way to pass the time. This is not worth reading.
I think for me one of the worst things about my life is that things will get worse eventually and they can only get worse. I have so much dread when I think of the years ahead, I never want to get older. To think that this life could potentially last for many more decades is a horrifying thought. I think overall, life scares me. I will never be able to cope with living, in no way will I be able to accept this life. There is always something wrong with everything. I never feel relaxed or at peace. There will never be anything here for me in this world. I fear most things, things are already dreadful enough now and I know that there is only pain that lies ahead.

Of course for me, I never should have existed. I just hate the fact that this life had to be a thing in the first place. Life is just loss, disappointment, suffering. Even if there is anything to make things more bearable it will likely be ruined in some way. I think if my worst fears become reality then I will not be able to deal with it. I think as long as I am alive I will be suffering in some way, even if there was no feelings of dread, there would just be emptiness. I am broken by life. I know I need peace more than anything.

 

[Of The Universe]

May I ask a couple of questions? I know you are 21 and live in the UK.
Are you English? For some reason,I thought you were like Russian..
Are you a girl?
Do you have some clinical thing like depression, or some physical ailment?
I only ask out of curiosity! And I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[FuneralCry]

May I ask a couple of questions? I know you are 21 and live in the UK.
Are you English? For some reason,I thought you were like Russian..
Are you a girl?
Do you have some clinical thing like depression, or some physical ailment?
I only ask out of curiosity! And I wish you peace and happiness.

Yes, I am English, I said in another post it is the only language that I know. Yes, I am female, I am like the girl in my profile picture with the demon. I see that as being myself. I have suffered from health problems a lot of my life and I have tinnitus and I always feel extremely tired but even without that I would still want to die. I am just not meant for this world and I want nothing to do with living. Nothing would ever make me want to live. Thank you for the kind wishes, I wish you the best as well.

 

[absoluteanimal1]

The world is a cruel and unforgiving place. I'm sorry things are so hopeless, I wish you the best.

 

[jimmy7754]

I wish I was somebody else.

 

[milly]

We love you @FuneralCry !!

 

[tgfm]

I can empathize. For me, the consensus is that my condition will only get worse and never better. I'm not afraid in the least to die, but I'm terrified of not dying. It is incredibly cruel that people are denied the most basic bodily autonomy: the choice to not live. Or, at least the choice to end your own life in a way that is painless, dignified, and humane.

 

[milly]

I imagine most members relate to your feelings like I do. This is SS afterall.

 

[AlwaysAnhedonia]

When I contracted tinnitus that was my breaking point. Went from ideation to actively planning to CTB. It's such a shit condition to never have a moment of silence again. I wish you well.

 

[Onkyo74893]

I have tinnitus too. Not anything unmanageable though. It just sounds like cicada's and crickets making theie noises from away off. It's the relentless, soul crushing depression I have that I don't know how much longer I can stand. Constant anhedonia for the last year.

 

[Chiisai]

Yes, I am English, I said in another post it is the only language that I know. Yes, I am female, I am like the girl in my profile picture with the demon. I see that as being myself. I have suffered from health problems a lot of my life and I have tinnitus and I always feel extremely tired but even without that I would still want to die. I am just not meant for this world and I want nothing to do with living. Nothing would ever make me want to live. Thank you for the kind wishes, I wish you the best as well.

Hmmm you say you're fatigued and have tinnitus, are you anemic perhaps? I also feel the same and have been on iron supplements my whole life but it was actually detrimental to me as I just found out through electrophoresis that Im thalassemic and it has almost the same symptoms of anemia.

 

[FuneralCry]

Hmmm you say you're fatigued and have tinnitus, are you anemic perhaps? I also feel the same and have been on iron supplements my whole life but it was actually detrimental to me as I just found out through electrophoresis that Im thalassemic and it has almost the same symptoms of anemia.

I was definitely anemic years ago but I do not think I am any more. I probably do not get enough sleep which can explain how tired I am. Just simply being alive makes me feel tired, I know I will never feel well.

 

[noname223]

I was definitely anemic years ago but I do not think I am any more. I probably do not get enough sleep which can explain how tired I am. Just simply being alive makes me feel tired, I know I will never feel well.

I know this is a strange question. We interacted a lot on this website and I read a lot of your posts but have you ever tried medication? Your family does not know about your illness as far as I know. So maybe not?
Maybe you don't think it will help like some people on this website. At least for me I can say it helped. I am still suicidal though. The first medications I tried helped around 5-20%. But since 1,5 years I found one which helped like 40%. (But it is not fully sure whether there were other influences beside this medication.)
I absolutely don't want to force someone to medication. You say you are not made for living I can understand that problem. And the medication probably won't fix that issue. But sometimes the neurotransmitters can be increased and that eases the feelings how tiredness and pain.
It made my suffering a little bit more bearable.

I really don't want to pressure you but I see some parallels between my condition and yours. It is just an idea.

 

[demuic]

I see things the same way. Taking death into your own hands now will prevent even more suffering in the future. Things can always get worse, in ways you never even imagined. I am seeing this already. There is nothing good enough on this earth that makes the endless suffering worth it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know this is a strange question. We interacted a lot on this website and I read a lot of your posts but have you ever tried medication? Your family does not know about your illness as far as I know. So maybe not?
Maybe you don't think it will help like some people on this website. At least for me I can say it helped. I am still suicidal though. The first medications I tried helped around 5-20%. But since 1,5 years I found one which helped like 40%. (But it is not fully sure whether there were other influences beside this medication.)
I absolutely don't want to force someone to medication. You say you are not made for living I can understand that problem. And the medication probably won't fix that issue. But sometimes the neurotransmitters can be increased and that eases the feelings how tiredness and pain.
It made my suffering a little bit more bearable.

I really don't want to pressure you but I see some parallels between my condition and yours. It is just an idea.

I'm pleased that it helped you, but I believe that no medication would ever change the way that I feel about life. I see wanting to die as being perfectly rational in a life as horrible as this. The only thing that I want is death. In a way I am used to feeling terrible all the time, it is all I know. I want nothing to do with any doctors or medical professionals, that is one of my phobias. I wish you the best.

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm pleased that it helped you, but I believe that no medication would ever change the way that I feel about life. I see wanting to die as being perfectly rational in a life as horrible as this. The only thing that I want is death. In a way I am used to feeling terrible all the time, it is all I know. I want nothing to do with any doctors or medical professionals, that is one of my phobias. I wish you the best.

Yes, wanting to have the right to a peaceful & dignified death at a time of one's own choosing is a perfectly rational thought! Especially since we didn't ask to be born in the first place.

You say you want nothing to do with doctors or medical professionals, but what if they're able to help you? I can empathise with your phobia, but not all doctors are bad. I won't even say all psychiatrists are bad. A good one may be able to help cure you, or at least manage your condition so that it becomes bearable.

I've seen you mention that you are too afraid or too worried about CTB. Are you going to spend the rest of your life in this terrible depressed state? You are young, and by taking a few simple steps, you can at least manage to make the rest of your life bearable (even if not enjoyable). You're in the UK where you have the NHS, which is by no means perfect, but at least you don't have to worry about hefty medical bills.

Don't consider this comment as me pressuring you to seek treatment, please! I'm only concerned that you're going to spend years in this terrible state when you could make things at least bearable for yourself by seeking treatment or therapy since you're not going to CTB.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes. long term chronic depression, coupled with anxiety. It sucks and society made things worse.

 

[JinZhin]

Could have wrote this myself. I'm sorry you have to go through it. World is a truly cruel, terrible place.

 

[summers]

Unfortunately, there will come a point for everyone where they peak, and things only get worse from there. Sad that this happened so early for many ss members.

 

[Rational man]

You must be in so much pain. Everything changes eventually. NOTHING is forevermore and even pain and suffering is temporary. We all die in tue end because life is impermanence.

 

[TooConscious]

Once you hit bottom it can go up and down from there, in my view, and situation, because it can't get any lower, when you're legitimately in fear of demons you unfortunately believe to be real.
so the only way it can ever go is to stay bottom, but it tends to go up, to crush me back down and feed on the misery again, but that becomes trivial too.

The sadistic suffering theivers really do squeeze us for everything.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Tinnitus can apparently grow unexpectedly worse with time. Even if you are careful about not subjecting your hearing to loud noises it can devolve, which is frustrating. It's especially frustrating if you want to enjoy an activity such as reading quietly and have to intentionally seek out noise to mask the ringing.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

You must be in so much pain. Everything changes eventually. NOTHING is forevermore and even pain and suffering is temporary. We all die in tue end because life is impermanence.

This thought is one that I find at least a modicum of comfort in when I am having a very bad physical pain day, or something really bad (medically) happens (I find the physical pain and suffering, and some of the symptoms I experience even more difficult to bear mentally than my other mental health issues like anxiety...): the reality that NOTHING, even pain and suffering is truly "forever"...it will end eventually, one way or another. The idea of impermanence helps me at least a little bit to reign in some of my 'freaking out' when I start freaking out because reminding myself that 50 years from now I'll be dead no matter what, and my suffering will be over and it'll be like I was never on this wretched planet at all. It's just a mind game trick to help me through the really really bad times but it does help me to remember that despite how awful something is in that moment, it's NOT forever. I still wish I'd drop dead today though...

 

[lyles]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I always look out and see your posts here and though we haven't talked much your presence here has been a comfort to me. I hope that regardless of your future you find some peace. I am sending you my best wishes and ultimate gratitude. Thank you for offering your input and kindness here, even if I don't always comment hearing from you does make a difference. <3

 

[Rational man]

This thought is one that I find at least a modicum of comfort in when I am having a very bad physical pain day, or something really bad (medically) happens (I find the physical pain and suffering, and some of the symptoms I experience even more difficult to bear mentally than my other mental health issues like anxiety...): the reality that NOTHING, even pain and suffering is truly "forever"...it will end eventually, one way or another. The idea of impermanence helps me at least a little bit to reign in some of my 'freaking out' when I start freaking out because reminding myself that 50 years from now I'll be dead no matter what, and my suffering will be over and it'll be like I was never on this wretched planet at all. It's just a mind game trick to help me through the really really bad times but it does help me to remember that despite how awful something is in that moment, it's NOT forever. I still wish I'd drop dead today though...

Buddhists often chant and walk the streets of cities, in part, apparently, to remind them that everybody they see in the streets will be dead in less than 100 Years. life, suffering and pain is part of life, part of death but abovementioned, is not permanent.

 

[Crazy4u]

what I find scary is there is no real bottom. Things can keep going down. Going up is not necessary going to happen.

I didn't hit a bottom but started preparing for ctb so I can off myself quickly when needed