apgpfk
#menhera
- Nov 28, 2023
- 156
i think my brain has fully shifted from wanting to befriend my ex-friends to actually moving on. it's exhilarating. i finally feel like i can breathe again.
even when i said i was moving on in my last post, i ended up connecting with one of my ex-friends. we've established that we'd basically be acquaintance-like friends and i think it's for the better. as for others, they don't want to talk. the main reason why i even wanted to stay and wait in the first place is because one of them said they still wanted to be friends, and never gave me a time frame of how long they may take. in the end, i had to find out that he didn't have intentions of being friends again through the friend i reconnected with.
to be honest, i found that so fucking aggrevating. he basically lead me on, but in a friendship type way. strung me along. i think it's so ironic that he took a break to break the toxic cycle we had (which im grateful for tbh) but ended up leading me on :/
as for the other friend, i blocked them first and then unblocked them to find out they didnt want contact with me, so fair enough. i initiated so i found that i had an easier time accepting it.
but yeah, i'm so glad that all of this shit has ended. i can finally start easing my anxiety. i can finally relax and think about what i really want to do. and most importantly, i'm finally building a life where they aren't in the picture anymore. it's refreshing.
a lot of people have reached out to me because of this as well. i've grown closer to some people, and i got paragraphs and paragraphs of messages from this one person i barely talk to. it was so fucking sweet i started to cry because i never knew they went through such a similar thing. friends who were close to me got even closer.
i think i'll still get reoccuring nightmares about them leaving, but hopefully it dissapates... i still have to go to events where they are present though. but there's no way i'm not attending. i was invited and it's a neutral space. i'm not gonna fucking "sacrifice" myself or not go just because i may make them uncomfortable. i want to finally have some self respect and stop looking so pathetic for once. i actually wanna be happy like i was before.
i wanna smile like how i was when i was four; when i was genuinely happy. ugh, the time it's gonna take to get there is so daunting though. my ed may take me out before i get there, but at least i'm trying.
even when i said i was moving on in my last post, i ended up connecting with one of my ex-friends. we've established that we'd basically be acquaintance-like friends and i think it's for the better. as for others, they don't want to talk. the main reason why i even wanted to stay and wait in the first place is because one of them said they still wanted to be friends, and never gave me a time frame of how long they may take. in the end, i had to find out that he didn't have intentions of being friends again through the friend i reconnected with.
to be honest, i found that so fucking aggrevating. he basically lead me on, but in a friendship type way. strung me along. i think it's so ironic that he took a break to break the toxic cycle we had (which im grateful for tbh) but ended up leading me on :/
as for the other friend, i blocked them first and then unblocked them to find out they didnt want contact with me, so fair enough. i initiated so i found that i had an easier time accepting it.
but yeah, i'm so glad that all of this shit has ended. i can finally start easing my anxiety. i can finally relax and think about what i really want to do. and most importantly, i'm finally building a life where they aren't in the picture anymore. it's refreshing.
a lot of people have reached out to me because of this as well. i've grown closer to some people, and i got paragraphs and paragraphs of messages from this one person i barely talk to. it was so fucking sweet i started to cry because i never knew they went through such a similar thing. friends who were close to me got even closer.
i think i'll still get reoccuring nightmares about them leaving, but hopefully it dissapates... i still have to go to events where they are present though. but there's no way i'm not attending. i was invited and it's a neutral space. i'm not gonna fucking "sacrifice" myself or not go just because i may make them uncomfortable. i want to finally have some self respect and stop looking so pathetic for once. i actually wanna be happy like i was before.
i wanna smile like how i was when i was four; when i was genuinely happy. ugh, the time it's gonna take to get there is so daunting though. my ed may take me out before i get there, but at least i'm trying.
