When I used to SH it was so I could feel something! Real Pain and then the relief of knowing I can feel good because that made me feel good. Pathetic is what people say to you, I don't think that of you. I don't think you feel or think that either but if you do you are not Pathetic. ! You are also not alone. I am not usually one to be soft and huggy in here on sasu but in this case I can relate. Hugs to ya. Peace.