E
EmptyFields
Member
- Apr 11, 2022
- 12
I spent almost all of last night researching and practicing noose-tying. Only slept about three hours, hardly ate, and now I'm back at it. Eyes are burning. Stomach hurts. In movies and TV, it just happens. Everyone just has the perfect rope in their houses, perfect length, perfect apparatus to stand on, perfect support to hang from, and it's over off-screen: peaceful and pleasant.
I never thought I'd ever attempt hanging. For some reason, of all the ways to go, it just didn't sit right with me, but it seems it might be my only option. SN is just a bitch to get a hold of, and the couple sources I found don't seem reputable. It's a whole other process to test the purity. Looked into a gun again, but in my state, I need at least two people as references to vouch for my mental health, and there's just no way. Besides that they know of my mental health, they know I dislike guns. Suddenly wanting one would be the most obvious tell.
I was, honestly, prepared to stick it out another two or three years, but a couple things happened last week that made me feel like maybe I'd done all I can at this point. I'd mentioned in another topic I wanted to help more people before I go. I e-mailed a homeless shelter, but with the pandemic raging in most of my country, they're very selective about who they let in. They were only looking to fill a couple of positions, and I just wasn't equipped for what they wanted.
The bigger tragedy is something that happened at work. A girl who recently started confided in me that she was being harassed by two other guys. I told her I'd help her however she wanted, but she didn't want me to confront them or tell management. She was just looking for a friend. I told her I could be her friend at work and run interference between her and these jerks, but that I don't let people into my personal life(for obvious reasons). That wasn't enough for her. She wanted to be "really good friends." There was a lot of back and forth over the next couple of days, ending with me essentially saying, "I told you what I can offer. This is the way it is." Between that and the boiling point the harassment reached when someone else caught these guys, bringing it to the attention of almost the entire workplace, she just wanted to crawl away in embarrassment and never come back. I've truncated the story quite a bit for the sake of brevity, but those are the broad strokes.
This isn't remotely the first time I've been in this situation. Ironically, I tend to be a magnet for broken people, and I like helping people. I've done volunteer work in the past, worked in nursing homes, and in general, I find myself being the rock other people need in their lives quite often. Knowing what it's like to be in a horrible place makes it difficult to turn people away, and that's what got me starting to think about ending my own life. Most people would probably say I'm not that old, but it feels like it's been a long and exhausting life, and I want my eternal reward. It feels like everyone always needs something, and the world is only getting worse. I helped as much as I could. This recent experience made me realize that maybe I'm all used up. If I couldn't be a true friend to this person, someone who may very well have been suffering worse than I was, maybe I just don't have the emotional capacity to help people anymore. If that's the case, I feel it's time I earned my rest.
This isn't a goodbye thread. As I said, this is the first I've ever looked into hanging, specifically. I've got more research and practice to do. I'm definitely onto something with the simple noose + overhand knot. Had it around my head last night, and it seems to slide very easily and tighten around my neck. It's a 310lbs capacity rope, and at 275lbs, I need every bit of that. What I'm planning is one noose around a door knob, throwing the rope over the door, and tying another noose around my neck as close to the top of the door as I can. I'm not very tall. So I think the logistics of it work. I'll definitely need a hotel room with sturdy doorknobs. That's something else I'll have to look into. My biggest concern is that if I'm flailing about(very likely), the rope might slide off the door. My weight ought to keep a fair amount of pressure on the door, but it's a thick rope. The door won't be able to close completely and keep it perfectly secure. If I end up failing, I may get desperate and just throw myself on my ka-bar because this is getting ridiculous for me. I feel like an absolute fraud putting all of this effort into this and not, at least, making an attempt.
Apologies for the long post. I hope I don't vent too much around here. So many people here are suffering, and you're the only ones who get it.
I never thought I'd ever attempt hanging. For some reason, of all the ways to go, it just didn't sit right with me, but it seems it might be my only option. SN is just a bitch to get a hold of, and the couple sources I found don't seem reputable. It's a whole other process to test the purity. Looked into a gun again, but in my state, I need at least two people as references to vouch for my mental health, and there's just no way. Besides that they know of my mental health, they know I dislike guns. Suddenly wanting one would be the most obvious tell.
I was, honestly, prepared to stick it out another two or three years, but a couple things happened last week that made me feel like maybe I'd done all I can at this point. I'd mentioned in another topic I wanted to help more people before I go. I e-mailed a homeless shelter, but with the pandemic raging in most of my country, they're very selective about who they let in. They were only looking to fill a couple of positions, and I just wasn't equipped for what they wanted.
The bigger tragedy is something that happened at work. A girl who recently started confided in me that she was being harassed by two other guys. I told her I'd help her however she wanted, but she didn't want me to confront them or tell management. She was just looking for a friend. I told her I could be her friend at work and run interference between her and these jerks, but that I don't let people into my personal life(for obvious reasons). That wasn't enough for her. She wanted to be "really good friends." There was a lot of back and forth over the next couple of days, ending with me essentially saying, "I told you what I can offer. This is the way it is." Between that and the boiling point the harassment reached when someone else caught these guys, bringing it to the attention of almost the entire workplace, she just wanted to crawl away in embarrassment and never come back. I've truncated the story quite a bit for the sake of brevity, but those are the broad strokes.
This isn't remotely the first time I've been in this situation. Ironically, I tend to be a magnet for broken people, and I like helping people. I've done volunteer work in the past, worked in nursing homes, and in general, I find myself being the rock other people need in their lives quite often. Knowing what it's like to be in a horrible place makes it difficult to turn people away, and that's what got me starting to think about ending my own life. Most people would probably say I'm not that old, but it feels like it's been a long and exhausting life, and I want my eternal reward. It feels like everyone always needs something, and the world is only getting worse. I helped as much as I could. This recent experience made me realize that maybe I'm all used up. If I couldn't be a true friend to this person, someone who may very well have been suffering worse than I was, maybe I just don't have the emotional capacity to help people anymore. If that's the case, I feel it's time I earned my rest.
This isn't a goodbye thread. As I said, this is the first I've ever looked into hanging, specifically. I've got more research and practice to do. I'm definitely onto something with the simple noose + overhand knot. Had it around my head last night, and it seems to slide very easily and tighten around my neck. It's a 310lbs capacity rope, and at 275lbs, I need every bit of that. What I'm planning is one noose around a door knob, throwing the rope over the door, and tying another noose around my neck as close to the top of the door as I can. I'm not very tall. So I think the logistics of it work. I'll definitely need a hotel room with sturdy doorknobs. That's something else I'll have to look into. My biggest concern is that if I'm flailing about(very likely), the rope might slide off the door. My weight ought to keep a fair amount of pressure on the door, but it's a thick rope. The door won't be able to close completely and keep it perfectly secure. If I end up failing, I may get desperate and just throw myself on my ka-bar because this is getting ridiculous for me. I feel like an absolute fraud putting all of this effort into this and not, at least, making an attempt.
Apologies for the long post. I hope I don't vent too much around here. So many people here are suffering, and you're the only ones who get it.