wall.713
The Hunter does us all great service.
- Aug 28, 2023
- 10
This is only my second thread, and, probably my last too. So I've been trying to CTB for god knows how long, but I've finally managed to find everything I need and have now gotten the opportunity and will do full suspension, within around 6 hours from now. I have been planning and gathering information for a few months now, and concluding that this method is the best for me, tonight, I'm going to hang myself using full suspension, from a set of stairs. I've been trying to do this for a lot of time now and I think I am ready. All it takes is loss of consciousness, after all, so I think I can make it successfully, and it seems even more reliable since I have practiced a lot too. Although I've been trying to do this for a long time, several things have stopped me, and even though I have almost succeeded with it previously, most of the time I still fail due to SI or lack of time or effort… pathetic that sometimes I don't even have the motivation to CTB alone when it's all I've been aiming for in several years, nonstop. As I've been going on with life everything only gets worse. The idea of being present absolutely everywhere and existing as who I am every single day terrifies me, I simply believe I'm destined to die at this point. No matter where I go, death is the only thing that actually belongs to me, as I belong to it myself. Drowning in that concept is all I do, so much that I almost forget about it often, and yet, time still passes by, and the further it goes, the more unbearable and dangerous existence gets for me. Despite that, on the inside, all I want is to be dead, without being brainwashed by people around me, or the idea of life, which I really feel like I have been completely senselessly. Both the inside and outside of living tortures me mentally, and at this point I barely know what's happening to me anymore, but the time has passed and I've gone over lots of deadlines, plans, limits and all of that, and all I know now is that I feel peaceful. Peaceful enough to die, to let go of it all. I'm a mess, I really am, and I feel like that's all I've turned into, and it will get worse and worse the more I let the time pass. Sometimes, I feel afraid of dying when thinking about it, not death itself, but the concept of what happens before, the process of dying at all that. But I think I've been better at comprehending it now, and I know I have everything I need. All I truly want is to be gone, in absolutely any and every way there is. It's the only thing I generally can do. And tonight I'm doing it, with no hesitation. I've pushed myself to the limit, and even being alive tomorrow is unbearable for me. I'm done. I'm truly done with it. My plan is to write a little, listen to some music & browse the things I love for the last time, think and prepare myself mentally, and then just wait until it gets dark and then compete the act until I'm finally dead. It's hard to comprehend, but it's all I can and want to do. I know I haven't really written much here before, but I just want to let it out for comfort, also as evidence of the fact that I'm dead, because this really is my last straw. I'm extremely scared of what's going to happen after I do it honestly, how tomorrow I just won't be there anymore. As if that matters, but my brain just makes me feel like it does. I'm also scared of the things that'll happen to people who are close to me, even though I never tend to care about them that much as my intentions are always the same, it just makes me scared to think about it. I may feel peace for a bit, but dying is enough to let all my surroundings turn into a hellhole… both for my dead body and for the ones around me, even though I won't feel or see anything at all. But this is really all I can do. And I'm just another person, except I have zero meaning or purpose compared to others. Even if I try to hide it, that's how it is. And the truth is that I'm going to die, it won't change.
I'm very grateful for all the information I've gotten from this site, I really wouldn't be able to do any of this and would've lived in constant frustration without all the information I've gotten on here. I may not really be known of at all, being a complete stranger with no backstory, but I thank you all so much even so. I'm truly grateful for everything.
Soon will be goodbye, and that is all I can say for now. I'm sorry.
I'm very grateful for all the information I've gotten from this site, I really wouldn't be able to do any of this and would've lived in constant frustration without all the information I've gotten on here. I may not really be known of at all, being a complete stranger with no backstory, but I thank you all so much even so. I'm truly grateful for everything.
Soon will be goodbye, and that is all I can say for now. I'm sorry.
