Chuunibyou
ghost possessing this body
- Jun 11, 2025
- 27
This is going to be an incredibly juvenile post, I know, but I feel myself reaching my limit.
I have plenty of things that should be making me happy. I have plenty of things my younger self would've never even dreamed of having. I live in a good place semi-independently with many friends and partners.
But I'm so emotionally fucked up. I don't know why, I've always been this way. I'm low empathy, on the aromantic and asexual spectrums, and more than that I just do not care about other people the way that other people seem to care about people. I don't understand when people say they love me, because I don't feel I'm even capable of loving them back in any genuine capacity. I don't understand when my friends say they love each other, because whatever emotional connection they experience is invisible and inaccessible to me. I'm self centered and narcissistic on a clinical level. When I care about my friends or partners, most of what I care about is really just what I get out of the relationship, what they can do for me, what they can give me, how they make me feel. But as people they bore me at best, and more often just annoy and frustrate me. I do my best to mask my true feelings to maintain the relationships and to be nice, because I do care about being nice and doing the right things, but internally I simply do not care about other people's emotions, experiences, or opinions. If it doesn't pertain to me I don't care. I've tried to care. I've tried many many times over my life to care about people, to feel love and empathy, and to be normal. But there's a disconnect between myself and the rest of the world that I don't think is fixable.
Maybe I could learn to accept this about myself over time and find pride in whatever kind of neurodiversity this is, if it wasn't for the fact that there's one exception to this state of my being. There's a guy I'm friends with who I'm madly in love with. It's embarrassing and nonsensical how strongly I feel about him, especially given the large incongruity in my affection for him compared to my lack-of-affection for literally everyone else. I genuinely care about this guy as a person. I think he's incredible, unique, special. I love hearing his thoughts in conversations, rather than me just waiting for my turn to talk again the way most of my other conversations go. I love his opinions and I love the things he loves. I feel a real connection with him. He's not replaceable, and he's more than whatever he could provide for me. He could do nothing for me and I would be happy doing everything for him, for as long as he cared about me too. And being around him makes me feel happier and more alive than any drugs have ever made me feel. It's like my world is in color when I'm around him.
We dated many many years ago for a while and in many ways it was the most magical time of my life. I really felt like I could imagine my whole life ahead of myself living with him. But he broke up with me, moved away, and went no-contact for a long time.
Over that time I fell into the same routines I had from before meeting him. People came and went in my life, I pretended to like them, and by pretending I was normal I told myself maybe I could keep grinning and bearing it forever until it became true. But I could no longer imagine a future for myself. I tried to move on and find sources of love elsewhere, but my brain just isn't wired for it. I don't know why.
Recently-ish however, we've reconnected. We're solidly friends again. In many ways this alone is an unimaginable dream come true and like my prayers have been answered. I'm feeling alive and hopeful again in ways I couldn't before. I want to be grateful for this, because I am. I love learning about the ways he's grown and changed since we last knew each other. I love sending him letters and gifts. I love making him happy. I can't help but imagine us having a future together again, that's all I want, and often all I'm capable of wanting.
The problem is I've let myself be too hopeful. My feelings are clearly unrequited and I'm not nearly as important to him as he is to me. Some kind of karma I guess, I see the irony. I've been trying to talk him into moving closer to me again, thinking maybe closing the physical distance between us would help us reconnect better than we have so far, but today I found out he's scrapping the idea of moving and is likely going to be buying property where he lives now. It's not set in stone yet, he might change his mind again, but I don't know. Maybe I could be the one to move closer to him, but I feel like I'd be crazy to do that for a guy who clearly isn't invested in me. And either way I'm beginning to realize there might not be a future where we're partners again after all. I know he's not just being shy about it too, because he's polyamorous like me and makes moves with his crushes, but not with me. I continue to be the only one to initiate all our conversations.
It's stupid to pin all of my hopes and dreams on one person, but I can't help it. I didn't choose to fall in love with him. I didn't choose to be loveless towards everyone else. I know this whole post must make me sound awful. I'm sure many of you will think I'm a manipulative sociopath, and you're probably right. But I can't help being the way I am. And I can't help that the only thing I want in life is just to live in a house with this person as my partner and to make him feel happy and loved every day. I want to buy him gifts to come home to. I want to decorate everything to make our living space joyful. I want to do fun things and try new things with him and only him. I want to raise cats and dogs with him, I want us both to fall asleep at night knowing we're safe.
But this will never happen, and it breaks me. I really want to die. And I would probably be doing everyone a favor by dying anyway. It's not good for anyone for me to be living a lie like this. It's not good for me to lie to everyone I know about how I feel. And it's especially not good for this person for me to unfairly place so many of my emotions on him like this without him really knowing. He's building such a beautiful life for himself while mine falls apart, and he's barely noticed, and I think it might be best if I don't drag him down with me. I've known him for about 12 years now. My whole life I've been (almost entirely) loveless but for 12 years there's been this one source of genuine love and connection for me. And that's a connection I can't even pursue. I don't know if I can keep living like this. I feel like I'm going to die.
I have plenty of things that should be making me happy. I have plenty of things my younger self would've never even dreamed of having. I live in a good place semi-independently with many friends and partners.
But I'm so emotionally fucked up. I don't know why, I've always been this way. I'm low empathy, on the aromantic and asexual spectrums, and more than that I just do not care about other people the way that other people seem to care about people. I don't understand when people say they love me, because I don't feel I'm even capable of loving them back in any genuine capacity. I don't understand when my friends say they love each other, because whatever emotional connection they experience is invisible and inaccessible to me. I'm self centered and narcissistic on a clinical level. When I care about my friends or partners, most of what I care about is really just what I get out of the relationship, what they can do for me, what they can give me, how they make me feel. But as people they bore me at best, and more often just annoy and frustrate me. I do my best to mask my true feelings to maintain the relationships and to be nice, because I do care about being nice and doing the right things, but internally I simply do not care about other people's emotions, experiences, or opinions. If it doesn't pertain to me I don't care. I've tried to care. I've tried many many times over my life to care about people, to feel love and empathy, and to be normal. But there's a disconnect between myself and the rest of the world that I don't think is fixable.
Maybe I could learn to accept this about myself over time and find pride in whatever kind of neurodiversity this is, if it wasn't for the fact that there's one exception to this state of my being. There's a guy I'm friends with who I'm madly in love with. It's embarrassing and nonsensical how strongly I feel about him, especially given the large incongruity in my affection for him compared to my lack-of-affection for literally everyone else. I genuinely care about this guy as a person. I think he's incredible, unique, special. I love hearing his thoughts in conversations, rather than me just waiting for my turn to talk again the way most of my other conversations go. I love his opinions and I love the things he loves. I feel a real connection with him. He's not replaceable, and he's more than whatever he could provide for me. He could do nothing for me and I would be happy doing everything for him, for as long as he cared about me too. And being around him makes me feel happier and more alive than any drugs have ever made me feel. It's like my world is in color when I'm around him.
We dated many many years ago for a while and in many ways it was the most magical time of my life. I really felt like I could imagine my whole life ahead of myself living with him. But he broke up with me, moved away, and went no-contact for a long time.
Over that time I fell into the same routines I had from before meeting him. People came and went in my life, I pretended to like them, and by pretending I was normal I told myself maybe I could keep grinning and bearing it forever until it became true. But I could no longer imagine a future for myself. I tried to move on and find sources of love elsewhere, but my brain just isn't wired for it. I don't know why.
Recently-ish however, we've reconnected. We're solidly friends again. In many ways this alone is an unimaginable dream come true and like my prayers have been answered. I'm feeling alive and hopeful again in ways I couldn't before. I want to be grateful for this, because I am. I love learning about the ways he's grown and changed since we last knew each other. I love sending him letters and gifts. I love making him happy. I can't help but imagine us having a future together again, that's all I want, and often all I'm capable of wanting.
The problem is I've let myself be too hopeful. My feelings are clearly unrequited and I'm not nearly as important to him as he is to me. Some kind of karma I guess, I see the irony. I've been trying to talk him into moving closer to me again, thinking maybe closing the physical distance between us would help us reconnect better than we have so far, but today I found out he's scrapping the idea of moving and is likely going to be buying property where he lives now. It's not set in stone yet, he might change his mind again, but I don't know. Maybe I could be the one to move closer to him, but I feel like I'd be crazy to do that for a guy who clearly isn't invested in me. And either way I'm beginning to realize there might not be a future where we're partners again after all. I know he's not just being shy about it too, because he's polyamorous like me and makes moves with his crushes, but not with me. I continue to be the only one to initiate all our conversations.
It's stupid to pin all of my hopes and dreams on one person, but I can't help it. I didn't choose to fall in love with him. I didn't choose to be loveless towards everyone else. I know this whole post must make me sound awful. I'm sure many of you will think I'm a manipulative sociopath, and you're probably right. But I can't help being the way I am. And I can't help that the only thing I want in life is just to live in a house with this person as my partner and to make him feel happy and loved every day. I want to buy him gifts to come home to. I want to decorate everything to make our living space joyful. I want to do fun things and try new things with him and only him. I want to raise cats and dogs with him, I want us both to fall asleep at night knowing we're safe.
But this will never happen, and it breaks me. I really want to die. And I would probably be doing everyone a favor by dying anyway. It's not good for anyone for me to be living a lie like this. It's not good for me to lie to everyone I know about how I feel. And it's especially not good for this person for me to unfairly place so many of my emotions on him like this without him really knowing. He's building such a beautiful life for himself while mine falls apart, and he's barely noticed, and I think it might be best if I don't drag him down with me. I've known him for about 12 years now. My whole life I've been (almost entirely) loveless but for 12 years there's been this one source of genuine love and connection for me. And that's a connection I can't even pursue. I don't know if I can keep living like this. I feel like I'm going to die.
