There's no support for me, not even online

[wheelsonthebus]

If my writing sounds like a haughty victorian to you, try reading it in a Texas accent and it will make more sense -- much like Hamlet

I've thought about calling the hotline a few times, but aside from knowing that I really would just be doing it for the catharsis of not being alone with my own thoughts/I do in fact want to die and not hear some cushioned platitudes about live-laugh-love, and the fact that they've hung up on me in the past for not having a rehearsed elevator pitch ready to go (I dared ask if this was the right number to call, the answer was a scoff and *click*), is the fact that in all likelihood the person on the other end would either be ambivalent about someone of my background killing themselves or actively in favor of it. There is no 24/7 hotline for my community, in my country. There aren't enough of us around for something like that.

Ironically, being reminded about how much some people want me dead (more people than are in my community, in fact) is the only thing that keeps me alive. That and the concern that I could, with my luck, survive the GSW to the head. In related news, I've had a handgun malfunction on me at my last attempt in a way I could find no information about online, and I have trained with firearms for years. It feels like God is fucking with me sometimes.

You can probably guess what racialized group your writer falls into, or maybe not. But since I'd rather vent than fight with suicidal teenagers (this forum spans all ages, undeniably) or willfully misinformed adults about my people's right to live, allow me to remain vague. Funny enough, I've gotten so tired of people frothing at the mouth to recite to me whatever propaganda they most recently consumed about how my family eats children or whatever, that I've stopped entertaining any sort of "higher road" response. If they're allowed to tell me to go kill myself in 200 words, I see no reason why I can't tell them the same more plainly in just 2. Alternatively, I enjoy a healthy dose of instructing folks to "eat glass and choke on [their] own blood." Believe it or not, I used to be nice! But all the nice ones of us are dead.

I used to see a therapist/psychiatrist who was part of my community, but he is a shitty doctor. I don't think there are many more of us in mental health care in my town. I still intend to ctb, but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone in the community about it until then. I cannot even begin to understand the reasoning or cultural expectations of resources outside of my background, and cannot expect them to understand mine. That is, even if the likelihood that they were basically creaming themselves hearing me contemplate suicide wasn't a relatively high probability.

 

[NutOrat]

There is no 24/7 hotline for my community, in my country. There aren't enough of us around for something like that.

SAME!!! There's one online chat here that is only active TWO DAYS A WEEK, FROM 21 to 23 o'clock! I will try to attend it tomorrow for the first time, but I have my expectations set down in the underworld, because of what you mentioned, these people will not understand your point of view, no shot.

Ironically, being reminded about how much some people want me dead (more people than are in my community, in fact) is the only thing that keeps me alive. That and the concern that I could, with my luck, survive the GSW to the head. In related news, I've had a handgun malfunction on me at my last attempt in a way I could find no information about online, and I have trained with firearms for years. It feels like God is fucking with me sometimes.

If there is god, they are one sadistic pos. When I die, I wanna fistfight them

 

[bgh3192]

It's disheartening to hear you can't find support for your particular community. The experience of reaching out and not having someone reach back, hurts. It hurts to feel mocked and devalued.
I am a firm believer when they go low, I go lower. It's important to stick up for yourself and your people when no one else is. And, living out of spite is as good a reason as any other to keep on living and fighting.
I couldn't figure out just what your community is-maybe I am obtuse. And that's okay to only share what you feel is relevent. But maybe here, you can find another type of community in addition to the one you are already in. A community that is open minded and receptive. I've seen people here extend compassion and acceptance even when they have none to give to themselves. We, here, all have our different reasons for wanting to CTB, but we are united in our pain. Wishing you well, Friend.

 

[socksnsandles]

the hotline is just there to stop you if you are looking to immediately do it. once they ask you if you have a plan and are in the action, and you say no, they are only worried about getting onto the next call to help that next person that might be actively trying to kill themself

 

[wheelsonthebus]

the hotline is just there to stop you if you are looking to immediately do it. once they ask you if you have a plan and are in the action, and you say no, they are only worried about getting onto the next call to help that next person that might be actively trying to kill themself

What's funny is that I was, and imo it should have been somewhat clear to them that I was in what I was able to tell them, but I guess I didn't sound like... confident enough. Like I was too timid. I try to come up with any benefit of the doubt to give them or formulate some sort of perspective of theirs that could rationalize the behavior, but unfortunately, no.

 

[Falling_apart]

The most depressing part of the last two years was me finding out that chatGPT apparently cares more about my mental well-being than the actual mental healthcare system.