Help Therapy help + vent

[abyss.all]

Although I feel locked in on CTB within the next couple months (two or less), most of me does not want to die. I feel I have to, because I cant seem to change myself. Every week I get more thoughts of "I dont need to plan, I cant wait, I just need to go now", and on the other hand I also get more calm thoughts of locking in, researching for CTB, planning.
I have been to therapy before, a handful of times. Im 21 now, the first time I went I was probably 9-10. My mother found I was selfharming and said I either had to talk with her or go to therapy, so I reluctantly went. I had to go a couple years later for a custody battle. Go to a therapist, tell them about my father, therapist testifies in court on my behalf. A couple years after that I tried some random therapists on my own behalf (I think?) as an older teen, ages 15-16. I went through 1-3 therapists I think, got put on sleep + depression medication. I stopped going around age 17 though. Around 18-19 I went to one to two therapy sessions with another random therapist to get a letter to be prescribed testosterone, at the time I thought that was the path I wanted to take with myself.
Im 21 now and havent been to therapy since. I dont remeber any real memories with these therapists, just feelings. Not wanting to be there, not knowing what to say, not feeling like therapy could help.

Long story short, I want help now. I tell myself Im just selfish, just lazy, just an abuser, that I just dont self reflect enough, feel enough guilt, want to learn and live enough. That if I just set my mind to it I could be at peace with myself eventually. I cant seem to set my mind to it.

Im aware this has probably been asked here, the internet, many places before many times. People of SASU, whatre your experiences, thoughts, opinions on therapy? Also, any advice on how I can get in with a local insurance covered therapist asap? I know its probably just a couple steps, but a few peoples first hand accounts on how they setup therapy and how it went would go miles for helping + motivating me to do it.

Im nervous about spilling my guts to a random stranger, all to have it go wrong. Them say I cant help you, a bad therapist/bad practices, ect. For so many reasons Im scared, but I tell myself if I plan on CTB anyways what could I have to loose with therapy?

 

[fedup1982]

You've been through an awful lot. Well done for getting this far!

Abusers don't do the kind of self reflection you're doing normally, so I think you really need to give yourself a break.

With therapists, its all about compatibility in my opinion. If you don't feel comfortable opening up with one, you don't have to. If so, just find another one, maybe their personality or techniques will be better for you. Exactly, you've got nothing to lose, everything to gain. Honestly don't worry if one therapist doesn't work out, there are plenty more!

 

[bluebook]

I've had similar experiences in therapy. A good friend is 10,000 times better than any therapist.

 

[lost_one]

My genuine opinion is that it isn't as useful as people make it out to be. I have been to four different therapists, since I am not rich they were all kind of cheap therapists, AKA usually recently graduated. So maybe not the best ones to deal with someone wih such deep rooted depression. I like it mostly cause I am lonely and I like having someone to talk to. But it hasn't helped me much. I tried psychanalysis didn't like it, I am not on CBT but don't love it either.

I honestly think therapy isn't for everyone, and there are therapists and threapists, some better than others, and there is the whole finding one the fit you personally.

So bottom line, it's harder than people think, but with effort it can help.

It's good you are willing to try, I hope you can find something that helps you manage your depression or just your struggles. Good Luck.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I understand your hesitancy about therapy. As others have said it often is an issue of finding a person that you feel comfortable with. Many therapists offer a free consultation. Before I found my therapist I went through several, sometimes not more than the consultation. Therapy is a huge umbrella. It includes many different modalities and approach.

In regards to finding one, I have had a lot of luck with psychologytoday.com. You are able to filter your search according to focuses and insurance they take. I'm not sure, but this may be just for the US. I liked this as I could read their bios and get a general idea of their approach and focus. Being able to do this before meeting has made me feel more comfortable. Not going in blind makes a big difference.

Good luck, OP. I hope that you're able to find a way to pass the time you have here with a little more ease.

 

[wishingonstars]

I second what _AllCatsAreGrey_ said about psychologytoday.com it is a fantastic resource if you are in the US. Also for someone who has done a lot of therapy before especially if you have trauma and a lot of guilt/shame I recommend specifically EMDR and IFS as techniques to look for. Talk therapy, DBT, and CBT can be helpful for some people but they don't really tend to address the root cause and focus more on the symptoms.

 

[liesabouthelp]

"I was probably 9-10. My mother found I was selfharming and said I either had to talk with her or go to therapy, so I reluctantly went."

what a fucking failure of a mother. "either talk to me now or go to therapy". its ALL her. its her failure of not teaching you to be open. its her failure of not teaching you about mental health. i bet she was MAD at YOU for self harming yourself. thats not natural, thats stupidity. its HER fault, HER failure.

 

[orpheus_]

I think it really matters that this time you WANT the help and you're an adult fully responsible for yourself so you can choose who you go to. Also - I don't know how much you know about different therapy approaches, it's quite useful to read about them and choose a therapist that works best in the approach that fits you best (or, at least: doesn't annoy the fuck out of you).
Also I think you could benefit from it if you feel like your problems are (even partially) in the way you think and/or behave, because that's what it's for: changing or accepting those things, and all that stuff.


Personal experience:

(it will be long, but maybe you can get something, even motivation out of it).

I was always very reluctant to therapists either thinking that a) it's all bullshit, b) maybe it helps someone but will not help me because I have a different kind of problems. My parents sent me to a few when I was in high school (because I was quite visibly miserable) but most of those visits were either just a waste of time or very unpleasant. I couldn't open up. I felt like I was expected to do something that I "don't know" how to do. I only saw each of those therapists once and didn't want to go back.

Around a year ago I started going to therapy again (I'm 21, for context). Long story short, I was kind of "made to" by my friend. I also personally had a bit of motivation because around 2 months prior I started taking antidepressants which luckily worked on me and I was starting to feel a bit better, so I had more hope. Still reluctant though. I felt that I should figure things out myself, "besides I have no trauma to solve or anything so it will be useless". Decided to try. Well. Some people say it helps, might as well give it a shot.

I saw one therapist for 3-4 sessions, but decided she definitely wasn't for me. The thing is, I always hated "therapy speak" and just couldn't stand it as it felt... Artificial, like stripping life of its humanity. Everything is about "boundaries, toxicity" and all that shit... And she was constantly speaking like this, in a tone that felt so artificial. Also I felt like she didn't understand what I was saying. I speak very fast and a lot, and sometimes with very complicated metaphors. She just stared at me... And then went "and how do you feel?" Or something like she got nothing. I decided it was a waste of time, really.

I tried a second person and this time it was better. It still felt... Uncomfortable, talking to a stranger about your issues. And I was like, "what is it even going to change anyways". But this person felt more "human" and seemed to understand me at least sometimes. I guess some people might prefer the more "professional-looking" style, but for me what works better is "just talking like two friends drinking beer together instead we only talk about one of us and the other one has knowledge from the realm of psychology and used it to explain me things and draw conclusions about myself". Still. I didn't know if it was worth spending the money on that as I didn't feel like it was changing much.

Then, for a few months, some very hard shit was happening in my house and I simply came to those sessions to cry and have someone to talk to. And tell me that I'm not the asshole in the situation. Because when you're around someone who keeps accusing you of everything (because of their disorder, but still) your logic starts playing tricks on you. So I kept coming, because I just needed a place to get a breakdown and not get shouted at, honestly. I guess that just helped because I sometimes left feeling a bit better.

Anyway sometimes between the crying we would actually talk about some *other* stuff from my life, "as context". I came to some conclusions about myself because of it; some *new* ones. Like why I do certain things or how I do certain things and stuff. I guess that over time I kinda got used to my therapist... And realized all of this is not actually that bad and can help me sometimes. After the *situation* calmed down I actually engaged more in like, actually talking about myself and my life. I feel that over time my therapist also "learned" the way I think and perceive things and was able to tailor what we're talking about to that more.

Also, I think what really helped me trust her was that even when I said I am actively suicidal she didn't threaten to put me in psych ward or sth. It was just. Okay. We can talk about it. So I didn't need to have secrets. I found out I could mention it freely and she never freaked out. Once even said, that if I decide to end my life it will be my own decision which I am technically allowed to make. For some time I actually thought that she didn't take me seriously (over time I realised that was NOT the case). So the fact that I didn't need to hide wanting (and maybe planning, just not that soon) to die , it helped a lot.

So in the end I guess my life got a bit easier as I understood some things about myself. Which were not entirely distorted by pessimism, this time. Therapy is not the holy grail, especially for people with chronic and deep rooted mental health problems, BUT it can help make things a bit less heavy.