Venting Therapy Doesn’t Help

[ObssessedEirika]

It doesn't help with my surroundings and the people around me. I keep getting blamed by friends that I'm not trying hard enough because I keep saying I wish to die. It's as if they want me to stop being honest and tell them the lie that I'm happy living, even though I'm not. My friends are confused about why I smile whenever I talk about ctb and it's because I genuinely do want to do it. It feels like an escape. I really wished SI didn't interfere with my last attempts. I'm so tired of doing all of this therapy and medication and trying to change just to be told I'm not trying. I'm so tired. I try and try, but whenever I relapse or something, I get told I'm not doing good and that I'm not trying. I just want to them to think for once and acknowledge that I am trying.

 

[casual_existence]

This is probably one of the reasons I've gotten so good at lying. It's easier for me to lie than to "get better" whatever that means.

 

[ObssessedEirika]

I relate to how you feel OP and I'm sorry you have to go through this. There was a post on here that really resonated with me, it's title was along the lines: the most painful part about being suicidal is no one knows how hard you tried. I tried doing it for myself and when that flame died out I tried doing it for others. Looking back, I can't understand why. Not once did they stop to think how their actions might affect or sabotaged me, meanwhile I'm supposed to tiptoe around their feelings, play doll and comfort them for every pity-party and sob story. The progress I made, I often celebrated alone because they never bothered to acknowledge my own personal struggles or the mental state I was in. I don't know how people expect you to miraculously become a success story when you're stuck in an environment that is akin to salting the earth so that nothing of any inherent value could grow.

It really is sad how much we have to pretend to be alright just so people can actually acknowledge us. Also thank you.

 

[NoHorizon]

I really feel this. It's like a lot of the stuff we have to do to "get better" is more for the benefit of others rather than ourselves.

People tell you talk to them but they're really not willing to hear what you actually want to say with regards to suicide.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Unless you can change the circumstances that cause your MH issues / suicidal thoughts, therapy has hardly any chance to be successful. Your friends / family should be supportive and acknowledge when you do therapy to get better. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[UKscotty]

Getting better takes so much effort, sometimes it's hard to work out if it's worthwhile or not.

I don't think normal people can understand as they only know a healthy mind.

A normal brain just doesn't say its a good idea to CTB.

 

[ObssessedEirika]

Thank you for the replies, it really does make me feel less lonely.

 

[Argo]

Most therapists are not equipped or skilled enough to deal with the level of trauma(and the ways of being that come from that trauma) that most people suffer from. The best therapist in the world can probably dramatically help someone who is struggling a bit, but there are countless people with very severe damage. Progress is possible with some methods, like certain drugs ( they tend to not get used therapeutically , like MDMA, Ketamine, Psychedelics seem promising if a professional and long term therapeutic approach was applied ), and techniques like meditation, but again, a there's just almost no presence of skilled people to actually apply those things properly proportional to the amount of people who are severely hurting.