Discussion Theatrical departure

[rainhappy]

I'm tired of life, but I want to leave in a dramatic way. With every attempt, I stage my attempts like a play: the day has a specific meaning, the time, the setting I create… Almost nothing is left to chance so that I can leave a mark; preparing these kinds of scenarios gives me a morbid thrill.

What about you? Do you want to commit suicide in a dramatic way, and if so, why?

 

[dragonofenvy]

Yes, because I think it's the only way I'll be seen and that my pain could be real to people. I've had many plans, and almost went through with some of them to ctb publicly and make a huge deal out of it. I don't think I'm gonna do it now though. That means no candlelight vigils for me, it'll be months before anyone realizes I'm dead. It's probably better that way though. Other people shouldn't be traumatized by my actions. Admittedly too, the thought of people holding a vigil for me fills me with contempt. Those very same people wouldn't be bothered to fish for change from their cupholder to give me if I needed it for medical care, yet they're gonna put a flower at my death site? Sure.
But it only proves my point. Most of us only matter when we're dead. I want to do it on my birthday. I hate my birthday. I think it'd be poetic in a way.

I'm tired of life, but I want to leave in a dramatic way. With every attempt, I stage my attempts like a play: the day has a specific meaning, the time, the setting I create… Almost nothing is left to chance so that I can leave a mark; preparing these kinds of scenarios gives me a morbid thrill.

I'm curious about the details. What days mean the most to you? Where would you want to do it? What kind of impact would you like to leave?

 

[rainhappy]

Yes, because I think it's the only way I'll be seen and that my pain could be real to people. I've had many plans, and almost went through with some of them to ctb publicly and make a huge deal out of it. I don't think I'm gonna do it now though. That means no candlelight vigils for me, it'll be months before anyone realizes I'm dead. It's probably better that way though. Other people shouldn't be traumatized by my actions. Admittedly too, the thought of people holding a vigil for me fills me with contempt. Those very same people wouldn't be bothered to fish for change from their cupholder to give me if I needed it for medical care, yet they're gonna put a flower at my death site? Sure.
But it only proves my point. Most of us only matter when we're dead. I want to do it on my birthday. I hate my birthday. I think it'd be poetic in a way.

I'm curious about the details. What days mean the most to you? Where would you want to do it? What kind of impact would you like to leave?

I think I understand. You'd like a dramatic death, but in the most discreet way possible? That's a beautiful vision, too, and I've made several attempts—just for myself. I spend my time taking care of others, so for me, this is my moment of fun. Do you think that knowing people will think of you after you're gone brings you a little happiness—a desire to go through with this attempt precisely to feel loved—or does the thought that these people might be sad actually make you hesitate to do it?

 

[dragonofenvy]

I think I understand. You'd like a dramatic death, but in the most discreet way possible? That's a beautiful vision, too, and I've made several attempts—just for myself. I spend my time taking care of others, so for me, this is my moment of fun. Do you think that knowing people will think of you after you're gone brings you a little happiness—a desire to go through with this attempt precisely to feel loved—or does the thought that these people might be sad actually make you hesitate to do it?

Not quite. I wanted a very public death. To give an example, when I was 18 I had thought of shooting myself in the head in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I decided against it because I have no right to do such a thing and to cause so much trauma to people when I've experienced trauma. It's not about feeling loved, it's about being seen and my pain being validated. I used to care if people were sad, but not so much anymore. I don't I should sacrifice myself and continue this torture just because a couple family members would be sad.
I'm guessing you probably don't go through with it due to your obligations to take care of others?

 

[rainhappy]

Yes, because I think it's the only way I'll be seen and that my pain could be real to people. I've had many plans, and almost went through with some of them to ctb publicly and make a huge deal out of it. I don't think I'm gonna do it now though. That means no candlelight vigils for me, it'll be months before anyone realizes I'm dead. It's probably better that way though. Other people shouldn't be traumatized by my actions. Admittedly too, the thought of people holding a vigil for me fills me with contempt. Those very same people wouldn't be bothered to fish for change from their cupholder to give me if I needed it for medical care, yet they're gonna put a flower at my death site? Sure.
But it only proves my point. Most of us only matter when we're dead. I want to do it on my birthday. I hate my birthday. I think it'd be poetic in a way.

I'm curious about the details. What days mean the most to you? Where would you want to do it? What kind of impact would you like to leave?

For now, I'd like to keep my entire plan to myself. But I can share, for example, one of my attempts. At the beginning of the year, to mark a turning point in the new year, I chose the night from Friday to Saturday and decided to hang myself because Sayori, a character from *Doki Doki Literature Club* who reminds me a lot of who I am, died in the same way on the same day. A full-moon night to feel as though I were rising toward that imposing light. On the "Birth Tree" for children born in 2005 in my village—because that represents my birth and the countless instances of harassment, beatings, and abuse I endured there. The clothes featured the colors of Mr. Puzzles and SMG4, a show that meant the world to me during tough times and that had ended exactly one week ago… and, of course, the farewell message addressed to everyone close to me. I was really happy to bring together so many symbols, and it excited me.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I want the exact opposite. I'm focused on successfully catching the bus, not on theatrics.

 

[dragonofenvy]

For now, I'd like to keep my entire plan to myself. But I can share, for example, one of my attempts. At the beginning of the year, to mark a turning point in the new year, I chose the night from Friday to Saturday and decided to hang myself because Sayori, a character from *Doki Doki Literature Club* who reminds me a lot of who I am, died in the same way on the same day. A full-moon night to feel as though I were rising toward that imposing light. On the "Birth Tree" for children born in 2005 in my village—because that represents my birth and the countless instances of harassment, beatings, and abuse I endured there. The clothes featured the colors of Mr. Puzzles and SMG4, a show that meant the world to me during tough times and that had ended exactly one week ago… and, of course, the farewell message addressed to everyone close to me. I was really happy to bring together so many symbols, and it excited me.

It seems to me like you've been inspired by many works. I'm very sorry for what you had to go through during your childhood. Nobody should have to go through that, especially not when you're a kid. You're very creative and are more thoughtful than many people I've met.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[rainhappy]

Not quite. I wanted a very public death. To give an example, when I was 18 I had thought of shooting myself in the head in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I decided against it because I have no right to do such a thing and to cause so much trauma to people when I've experienced trauma. It's not about feeling loved, it's about being seen and my pain being validated. I used to care if people were sad, but not so much anymore. I don't I should sacrifice myself and continue this torture just because a couple family members would be sad.
I'm guessing you probably don't go through with it due to your obligations to take care of others?

Oh, I see. You can be very proud of yourself for fighting so hard—it's beautiful to see how much you love your loved ones, and that you're willing to suffer so much for them. You have a big heart, and I think your loved ones are very lucky to have you .

Not quite. I wanted a very public death. To give an example, when I was 18 I had thought of shooting myself in the head in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I decided against it because I have no right to do such a thing and to cause so much trauma to people when I've experienced trauma. It's not about feeling loved, it's about being seen and my pain being validated. I used to care if people were sad, but not so much anymore. I don't I should sacrifice myself and continue this torture just because a couple family members would be sad.
I'm guessing you probably don't go through with it due to your obligations to take care of others?

Yes... and no. I love my loved ones dearly; I'm so grateful that they've accepted me into their lives, and I'd do anything for them. I'm the best friend to many of my friends—the most important person in their eyes, the most empathetic and caring person they know. Despite all that, I suffer terribly from depression, and I just keep dwelling on the past without ever being able to move past it all—despite my hospitalizations. I couldn't bring myself to try again because I care so much about my loved ones. But now I know what the payoff will be, and if it works, I won't hesitate to finally end it all.

Not quite. I wanted a very public death. To give an example, when I was 18 I had thought of shooting myself in the head in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I decided against it because I have no right to do such a thing and to cause so much trauma to people when I've experienced trauma. It's not about feeling loved, it's about being seen and my pain being validated. I used to care if people were sad, but not so much anymore. I don't I should sacrifice myself and continue this torture just because a couple family members would be sad.
I'm guessing you probably don't go through with it due to your obligations to take care of others?

Yes... and no. I love my loved ones dearly; I'm so grateful that they've accepted me into their lives, and I'd do anything for them. I'm the best friend to many of my friends—the most important person in their eyes, the most empathetic and caring person they know. Despite all that, I suffer terribly from depression, and I just keep dwelling on the past without ever being able to move past it all—despite my hospitalizations. I couldn't bring myself to try again because I care so much about my loved ones. But now I know what the payoff will be, and if it works, I won't hesitate to finally end it all.