Venting The urge to crash out

[fungus]

I just feel trapped in my life. I can't CTB because my parents would really suffer from it, but I also just don't want to live.
I had one attempt that failed because I backed out, and I ended up in a mental hospital, but since then, nothing has changed. I mean, I go to therapy, but it just does not work for me and sometimes makes things worse.
I am almost jealous of people who don't have anyone they would feel guilty about leaving behind.
Sometimes I even wish my family would just die, so I'd be relieved of this guilt. I'm not proud of that thought, but pretending to be fine all day and being pressured to perform well, to do good, when all I want to do is break down, is horrible.
If my parents were at least terrible people, I could hate them, but they try their best. It's not enough to fix my relationship with them or make me feel free and loved, but it is enough to give me this unbearable guilt whenever I think about how much I want to die.

There is nothing I can do to relieve this pressure.
My therapist expects me not to do anything self destructive, my parents expect me to be happy or else they become overly worried, and my own anxiety keeps me locked in the same repetitive behavior and mindset. So I smile all the time and just do all the things I don't want to do. But sometimes it just feels like torture. always forcing myself out of my comfort zone and ignoring my own feelings.
But it's not as if people really care. I tell them things are hard for me, and they just tell me to suck it up and try harder, or they say they're there for me, but in ghe end aren't.

I really want to escape, but there is no direction to go. I'm not able to CTB, I can't move forward and do better, and I can't even avoid things without getting into more trouble. Sometimes I just want to crash out. do anything to get out of this miserable position.

How the fuck can my parents have such a big hold on me? I'm an adult, I should finally be free. But I am just not. They aren't even abusive, but the twisted emotional feelings in my relationship with them are enough to put me through all this torture and keep me in chains. I love them too much to CTB and feel too distant to talk to them.
I hate them sometimes, and I hate myself for hating them.

 

[bipolar22]

Classic conundrum. Seems like CBT is off the table for now. Not because you physically cant but because the guilt is making it impossible. This will sound like a poor consolation but at least you know it's there if things genuinely get unbearable.
Other than that the only option to me seems to woek at just making your life as less miserable ss possible. Do you hsve a pet? Taking care of a pet can significantly add to quality of life which is too strong of a word for someone who is suffering this much. Maybe just visiting an animal shelter sometimes. Start slow and try to build it up. If it gets too exhausting no shame taking a break or trying something else. Maybe something as easy as going out sometimes. A walk in the park or in the woods. Simple things to kinda get the ball rolling again. Worst thing you could do would be to just wnd up in a kinda stupor and just suffering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so similarly to you. It's horrible to feel so trapped but then, I just feel stuck with it for now. Sometimes I toy with the idea that my Dad could come to terms with it- he's the only one left for me now but, I know he couldn't. I'm sorry.

 

[fungus]

Classic conundrum. Seems like CBT is off the table for now. Not because you physically cant but because the guilt is making it impossible. This will sound like a poor consolation but at least you know it's there if things genuinely get unbearable.
Other than that the only option to me seems to woek at just making your life as less miserable ss possible. Do you hsve a pet? Taking care of a pet can significantly add to quality of life which is too strong of a word for someone who is suffering this much. Maybe just visiting an animal shelter sometimes. Start slow and try to build it up. If it gets too exhausting no shame taking a break or trying something else. Maybe something as easy as going out sometimes. A walk in the park or in the woods. Simple things to kinda get the ball rolling again. Worst thing you could do would be to just wnd up in a kinda stupor and just suffering.

I would love to have a pet. Just something I can care about and that keeps me going. But my parents don't want/ can't have one, so not as long as I life with them.
And animal shelter near me don't offer volunteer work at the moment. Especially not for people without experience.

Getting out.. well I think that is the part were I struggel the most. I try but I just can't get out without a clear goal or motivation in mind. But I think that is my own fault.

It is just so hard, to actualy change things. I try and sometimes I think it works but even when It seems to make things better It just does not hold up for more then a few weeks. It is so frustrating.
Like I try and try and in the end I am always were I started.

But I am really thankfull for the nice words. That alone is definetly getting my mood up a little bit.
And as long as I don't find a solution I just vent I guess. Better then nothing.

I feel so similarly to you. It's horrible to feel so trapped but then, I just feel stuck with it for now. Sometimes I toy with the idea that my Dad could come to terms with it- he's the only one left for me now but, I know he couldn't. I'm sorry.

I totally understand what you mean. Sometimes I think my parents might just get over it, but after seeing them cry in the hospital after my first attempt, I know they definetly would not. Sucks but I can't realy expect them to care less or suddenly stop loving me.