I have been a member of suicide support on Reddit but it's mainly self righteous people telling you not to do it. I am so glad someone sent me a link to SS.
My life isn't objectively bad. I have options, but I am so tired of trying. I am on a LOA for mental health and plan to quit as soon as my leave is over. My job is high stress dealing with people's lives and my anxiety and OCD means I am constantly doubting myself and while busy doubting my self I make legitimate mistakes
My living plan is to quit, cash out my 401k, sell my house, and move back in with my parents after living away since I was 18. I will have enough money to live off for at least two years before I have to get a job. But, if I take this path I will try to find employment ASAP. I am currently 43 y/o. My parents said they are ok with me moving back home, but have said some things "jokingly" that make me question how much they actually want me there. Maybe it's my current frame of mind that makes me feel rejected by my parents. I think they are more worried I am making a regrettable decision to quit my career and selling my house. I don't talk about my feelings with my parents. I cannot say to them that this job is slowly killing me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can't afford to quit my job and keep my house.
I always assumed I would have to eventually move back to home to care for them. My husband died seven years ago and I have no kids. My sister has her hands full w/ her adult kids and her grandchildren. With me being the one w/o a life, I was more than willing to move back to help out. At least I would have a noble purpose for continuing this wretched life.
My CTB plan is still to cash out 401k, sell house, maybe have a good time for once, then end it. I want to drive to the beach, get a nice hotel room, maybe gamble, smoke weed, have a nice time, pop all my klonopin, then shoot myself as the sun comes up. I have a gun but it's a .380. That's a small caliber, but I plan to take blood thinners before so I will bleed out quickly if the gun doesn't do enough. I might should buy a higher power like a .38 to increase success, plus, I can't kill myself with the gun that was gifted to me by my parents.
I am trying to hang on long enough to get my affairs in order. I told the lady who runs the rescue I got my dog from 5 years ago that I have a disease that will most likely kill me (not technically a lie) and my dying wish is that my dog is only sent to the safest trustworthy home. I am still waiting on her reply, but I will do nothing until I make sure he has the best home. I contemplated taking him with me b/c that way I can be sure he'll never know hunger or pain or be mistreated. But I could never bring myself to harm him.
If done correctly, w/ my house proceeds, 401k, and possible insurance payout (I am way past the 2 year suicide clause), I would leave behind over 300k to my parents. They have money so they'd probably give it to my sister and her family, which I am more than fine with. I just don't know if I will be able to hold out that long.
I don't believe it's a "sin" to CTB. But, I do feel it's a sin to leave my family to deal with aftermath of my death. It's a pain I wouldn't want to inflict on my parents-who are good people and do care for me. I know no matter how much money I leave behind, or how well written my suicide note is, it won't make a difference in their pain. My mom has commented more than once someone she knows whose son committed suicide and every time she saw her the woman was like a walking corpse, like she died the day her son did but her body just doesn't realize it yet. I feel that's my mom's indirect way of telling me that she would be like that woman if something were to happen to me or my sister.
I have contemplated other methods but firearms seem the easiest and most likely to succeed. I live in a red state so I can get a new gun the same day. I just wish it wasn't messy.
If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting my actual thoughts out in the open helps a great deal.
My life isn't objectively bad. I have options, but I am so tired of trying. I am on a LOA for mental health and plan to quit as soon as my leave is over. My job is high stress dealing with people's lives and my anxiety and OCD means I am constantly doubting myself and while busy doubting my self I make legitimate mistakes
My living plan is to quit, cash out my 401k, sell my house, and move back in with my parents after living away since I was 18. I will have enough money to live off for at least two years before I have to get a job. But, if I take this path I will try to find employment ASAP. I am currently 43 y/o. My parents said they are ok with me moving back home, but have said some things "jokingly" that make me question how much they actually want me there. Maybe it's my current frame of mind that makes me feel rejected by my parents. I think they are more worried I am making a regrettable decision to quit my career and selling my house. I don't talk about my feelings with my parents. I cannot say to them that this job is slowly killing me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can't afford to quit my job and keep my house.
I always assumed I would have to eventually move back to home to care for them. My husband died seven years ago and I have no kids. My sister has her hands full w/ her adult kids and her grandchildren. With me being the one w/o a life, I was more than willing to move back to help out. At least I would have a noble purpose for continuing this wretched life.
My CTB plan is still to cash out 401k, sell house, maybe have a good time for once, then end it. I want to drive to the beach, get a nice hotel room, maybe gamble, smoke weed, have a nice time, pop all my klonopin, then shoot myself as the sun comes up. I have a gun but it's a .380. That's a small caliber, but I plan to take blood thinners before so I will bleed out quickly if the gun doesn't do enough. I might should buy a higher power like a .38 to increase success, plus, I can't kill myself with the gun that was gifted to me by my parents.
I am trying to hang on long enough to get my affairs in order. I told the lady who runs the rescue I got my dog from 5 years ago that I have a disease that will most likely kill me (not technically a lie) and my dying wish is that my dog is only sent to the safest trustworthy home. I am still waiting on her reply, but I will do nothing until I make sure he has the best home. I contemplated taking him with me b/c that way I can be sure he'll never know hunger or pain or be mistreated. But I could never bring myself to harm him.
If done correctly, w/ my house proceeds, 401k, and possible insurance payout (I am way past the 2 year suicide clause), I would leave behind over 300k to my parents. They have money so they'd probably give it to my sister and her family, which I am more than fine with. I just don't know if I will be able to hold out that long.
I don't believe it's a "sin" to CTB. But, I do feel it's a sin to leave my family to deal with aftermath of my death. It's a pain I wouldn't want to inflict on my parents-who are good people and do care for me. I know no matter how much money I leave behind, or how well written my suicide note is, it won't make a difference in their pain. My mom has commented more than once someone she knows whose son committed suicide and every time she saw her the woman was like a walking corpse, like she died the day her son did but her body just doesn't realize it yet. I feel that's my mom's indirect way of telling me that she would be like that woman if something were to happen to me or my sister.
I have contemplated other methods but firearms seem the easiest and most likely to succeed. I live in a red state so I can get a new gun the same day. I just wish it wasn't messy.
If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting my actual thoughts out in the open helps a great deal.
